The Small Talk

Today, my boss asked me to go back to a job we did last week.

Apparently, a few of the deckboards were sticking up or did not get screwed down properly.

He said the owner would be there, just introduce yourself, tell him what you are there to do, do it and get out.

I said-

I’m pretty sure I can handle it….I’m not a complete idiot.

I went to the jobsite, saw the owner and said-

Hello, I’m good2begone…I hear you have a few screws loose.

Maybe…just maybe, I need some work on my presentation.            

Image-bumpy Brain

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The Never Slow Down

Here’s a little conversation my boss and I had yesterday-

Him- You need to slow down.

Me- Why?? (I said a bit sarcastically)

Him- Its over 100 degrees I don’t want you to stroke out on me.

Me- I’m not even sweating…and we are in the shade…I’m keeping hydrated and working at a steady pace to try to stay one step ahead of these assclowns that are just working towards their next break. You know I only have one speed and it aint slow.

Him- I’ll deal with them.  Just attempt…you aren’t a kid anymore. You’ve been here longer than anyone and deserve to take it easy now and then.

Me- yeah…yeah

Every couple of months we have that same conversation. I’ve been there 10 years.

It’s the longest employment run I’ve had.

He tells everyone else they need to get a move on…

But I need to slow down.

I used to be like Wile E. Coyote.

Always trying to sabotage the ones who got stuff done so I wouldn’t look as bad.

He’s a super genius, ya know.

Now after years of self changes for the better, I’m more like his counterpart…

When I get to work, I get a plan of what needs to get done and I’m off to the races.

I figure, if I get done with the tasks at hand I can move on to other tasks to keep the job moving forward.

I don’t like to ACME my way through things.

Now, the Wile E’s I work try to find ways to keep up with my pace or try to find ways to slow me down.

It usually ends up with them worn out n sweating while I am just steady moving on.

I try to teach them my system, which saves time….and effort,

But….

I just don’t have the slow down in me.

Work starts in a couple of hours…gotta run.

Beep beep.

Wolf Brand Chillin’

While the husband is away…the wife will arm herself in case of an apocalypse.

I have been working overnights…..ummm…working,

which leaves my wife and daughter at home by themselves until dawn.

I took the precautions of having our wolf inside for protection…just in case.

Normally when she is inside, she patrols each room and won’t relax until she knows everyone and everything is where it should be.

We live in a safe neighborhood, but, as crazy as the world has gotten, you just never know.

A few nights ago, she called me at a weird hour to tell me she had the guns loaded and had to check the house because she heard something. Everything turned out to be fine. She just wanted to inform me that she got spooked and doesn’t like me working nights.

I said,

“What happened? Did Mischa (our wolf) wake you up and alert you and that’s why you decided to get the guns?”

Her reply was sent by text message-

A wolf in sleeps clothing.

UGGGH!

Bouquets In The Attic

I have been home from week 1 of “project attic restoration” for about 3 days. It took me more than 24 hours to garner the strength to to anything more than this….

That is the interpretation of my view.

A blank screen.

The light at the top, is the sun trying to break through the darkness, that remains of my soul, after getting the full picture of the task at hand for said project.

The light at the bottom middle is my head…..

Exploding from the full picture of the task at hand for said project.

What started out as constructing a bedroom up in the attic….and a staircase to reach the bedroom up in the attic….has blossomed into much more than mere flowers in the attic.

The owners of this upstairs garden of dreams have decided to expand the project and add a few more roses to our bouquet.

Rose #1-the media room

From this-

They want this-

Rose #2-

From this-

They want this-

That and that along with the previous this and that of the bedroom and the stairs from that previous post that can be uprooted by pressing “this” represents the full picture of the current state of the attic project.

We have returned home for a week to allow the plumbers, electricians, internet and phone providers, insulation dudes, farmers and soil technicians time to do what they have to do….so we can return to do what we have to do, in order, to get their flowers into their attic.

It’s gonna take more than a few green thumbs to do this do.

Get Squirrely

I used to be a strapping young child full of wonder and questions. A lot of the wonder and questions came from watching

“Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom”

Here is the host/animal god

Marlin Perkins

He usually was in the studio.

Here is the assistant/ animal bait

Jim Fowler

Perkins would be all cozy in the AC of TV City explaining how dangerous this weeks animal was.

Fowler would be the gopher to prove it.

I always wondered what kind of sadistic boss is this mustache guy?

I would question the judgement and sanity of Jimmy boy on why he always had to do the dirty work.

“Dude…there is a reason these animals are in cages at the zoo.”

I told myself at a young age…I will NEVER EVER be that guy.

Fast forward to my destiny…

I’ve posted about my run in with animals before.

To read the travesty of working in the sticks, please read

12 Seconds Of Terror

Hit the link….you will thank me all the way to Hog Heaven if you do…..

My destiny continues…

“We have a job to do…that is tailor made to your abilities..” My boss proudly stated.

I looked at him with a smirk and replied,

“I don’t know what that means…but I know I’m not going to like it…”

He smiled big and clapped me on the back.

We arrive at said job and gives me the lowdown.

“Ok…here’s the deal…these customers had a squirrel crawl through an exposed vent in the roof and got trapped in the walls…I need you to get it out…”

“…..and why the f”$k is this tailor made for me? I’m not the Squirrel Whisperer..”

“Look…they know where it died. They heard the scratching in the walls and traced it to behind the kitchen cabinets, before they could figure out how to get it out….the scratching stopped and the smell of dead animal followed. I can’t fit under the cabinets…you can.” He stated

“So because you are a fat ass I have to pull a Jim Fowler while you drink lemonade with the customers?”

“Whose Jim Fowler?…and I don’t drink lemonade if smells like urine. Just get it done…here is a hole saw to cut into the cabinet and here is a coat hanger to find the squirrel. Just hook him and pull him out.”

“Ugggh…I need rubber gloves…AND A RAISE!!”

The smell in the kitchen was unbearable. Every known odor blocking product ever made was stacked on the counter. Candles burning in every corner of the room. All that and it smelled like something rotting covered in roses and coconut and vanilla and sea breeze.

I opened the cabinet and started to go under with my given tools and a flashlight. I looked up at my boss and said,

“I hate Marlon Perkins.”

And did what I had to do.

Luckily, it only took about 25 minutes…..

But the smell stayed in my nostrils for weeks.

It’s a jungle out there folks.

Square Footage

Keeping caught up on finances is much like dangling a apple on a stick just out of reach of a horses mouth.

He thinks he is going to get it, but no matter how hard he tries…..he doesn’t.

To attempt to earn a little extra fruit, I picked up a job on the side.

(Beetlejuice)

To make ends meet I took on installing laminate wood floor in my neighbors house…..his entire house.

It’s not a mansion or necessarily a huge house, but 800 sq. feet of floor is a daunting task for 1 weekend.

(Beetlejuice)

I worked a total of 16 hours this weekend. With the help of my handy Wife, I installed 795 sq. feet.

5 short.

Why you ask?

(Beetlejuice)

IT’S SHOWTIME!!

“Oh, no…you again?”

Betelgeuse-“Yes sireee, Mr. red on the head like a..”

“DONT GO THERE!”

Betelguese- “feeling a little sensitive are we….I`m feeling a little, ooh, anxious if you know what I mean. It`s been about six hundred years after all. I wonder where a guy, an everyday Joe like myself, can find a little *action*.”

“You’re in the wrong place to find action wearing that stripes getup. Where did you escape from….prison?”

Betelgeuse-“You released me from my prison, funny bone.” He says as he looks at my Dc Comics Flash statue and then continues.

Betelguese: (kicks over statue) Nice F*ck*n model (as he grabs his genitals)
Honk honk

“Hey, that’s a collectible figurine you undead wannabe!….beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice.”

Betelgeuse- “Crap”

I couldn’t finish the last 5 because I was tired and frustrated.

I still am.

I think I will try to relaxing by watching an old movie.

Any suggestions?

I’m still chasing the apple, by the way.

MC Joe

Joe got into a fight today. He lost.
__________

I have posted about Joe before-

Joe Lean Lies
Lyric Lesson With Mo Joe

For today’s entry he will be called MC Joe
__________

He got into a fight with a screw that was imbedded in concrete.

His best idea for extracting the screw from the concrete was to use the claw of a hammer.

MC JOE-“You are not going to screw me!”

Me-“Joe….what are you doing….”

MC Joe–“I’m going to use this hammer to get out this screw! That’s what I’m doing..”

Me- (pleading with his object of extraction) “Please hammer don’t hurt him.”

The screw in the concrete-“You can’t touch this!!”

MC Joe-“I won’t give up until I got you…cuz I am too legit to quit!”

MC Joe places the claw of the hammer on the head of the screw and begins to tug..

And tug

And tug

And…..

Then it slips off and smacks him in the forehead….

That hammer hit him so darn hard
It made me say, “Oh, my lord!”

Here is the picture to prove it….

(Forehead and eyes only….I don’t want to completely embarrass the guy)

As Mc Joe is rapping obscenities in utter pain, “the kid” walks over and unscrews the screw from the concrete with his index finger and thumb….and tosses it into the trashcan.

As for me….I just have to pray to make it today.
__________

MC HAMMER thanks me for the multiple references in one post…you all can too….after you get the songs out of your head.

It’s still good2begone.