Get Squirrely

I used to be a strapping young child full of wonder and questions. A lot of the wonder and questions came from watching

“Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom”

Here is the host/animal god

Marlin Perkins


He usually was in the studio.

Here is the assistant/ animal bait

Jim Fowler


Perkins would be all cozy in the AC of TV City explaining how dangerous this weeks animal was.

Fowler would be the gopher to prove it.

I always wondered what kind of sadistic boss is this mustache guy?

I would question the judgement and sanity of Jimmy boy on why he always had to do the dirty work.

“Dude…there is a reason these animals are in cages at the zoo.”

I told myself at a young age…I will NEVER EVER be that guy.

Fast forward to my destiny…

I’ve posted about my run in with animals before.

To read the travesty of working in the sticks, please read

12 Seconds Of Terror

Hit the link….you will thank me all the way to Hog Heaven if you do…..

My destiny continues…

“We have a job to do…that is tailor made to your abilities..” My boss proudly stated.

I looked at him with a smirk and replied,

“I don’t know what that means…but I know I’m not going to like it…”

He smiled big and clapped me on the back.

We arrive at said job and gives me the lowdown.

“Ok…here’s the deal…these customers had a squirrel crawl through an exposed vent in the roof and got trapped in the walls…I need you to get it out…”

“…..and why the f”$k is this tailor made for me? I’m not the Squirrel Whisperer..”

“Look…they know where it died. They heard the scratching in the walls and traced it to behind the kitchen cabinets, before they could figure out how to get it out….the scratching stopped and the smell of dead animal followed. I can’t fit under the cabinets…you can.” He stated

“So because you are a fat ass I have to pull a Jim Fowler while you drink lemonade with the customers?”

“Whose Jim Fowler?…and I don’t drink lemonade if smells like urine. Just get it done…here is a hole saw to cut into the cabinet and here is a coat hanger to find the squirrel. Just hook him and pull him out.”

“Ugggh…I need rubber gloves…AND A RAISE!!”

The smell in the kitchen was unbearable. Every known odor blocking product ever made was stacked on the counter. Candles burning in every corner of the room. All that and it smelled like something rotting covered in roses and coconut and vanilla and sea breeze.

I opened the cabinet and started to go under with my given tools and a flashlight. I looked up at my boss and said,

“I hate Marlon Perkins.”

And did what I had to do.

Luckily, it only took about 25 minutes…..

But the smell stayed in my nostrils for weeks.

It’s a jungle out there folks.