R U 😊?
Not just at this moment…but generally speaking….or writing as it may be…
How does one get there?
I believe it’s an individual journey.
I also believe that until I was happy with myself….as in who I am, that I couldn’t be happy WITH anyone or anything else.
That occured well into my late 30’s.
I’m in my early 50’s now.
Does that mean I was miserable my first 30+ years of existence?
That was a happiness of the growing up variety.
I was a people pleaser, fad follower, just…like me please, kind of person.
A portrayer of a goofball without a care while the home life was the shadow of pain I couldn’t get away from. Always right at my feet casting a darkness that hid behind the smile.
My first “real” taste of happiness was my discovery of the euphoria of cocaine.
It was instantaneous.
What I didn’t know at the time was that level of happiness would NEVER be attained again.
That didn’t stop me from chasing it.
I NEEDED that happy to make me feel anything.
The chase took over a decade and I gave away EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE to pursue it.
I pursued it into psychosis and faced the real possibility of a lengthy prison sentence.
Chemical happiness is not happiness.
It was a lie.
I had to begin the pursuit again from
By zero….I mean..
I GAVE all that away to pursue my so called happy
I had to find a way to be comfortable with myself….
To truly find happiness.
During that pursuit I realized that distractions had to be eliminated.
For me, that was TV, movies anything that took time away from….me.
Those were escapes. I was tired of escapes.
If I could sit alone by myself, with my own thoughts, without going nuts I had a chance to find the elusive happiness.
That didn’t happen overnight.
It took time.
It’s been over 15 years since then.
The elusive true happy of me was found and nurtured throughout that time.
It has allowed me to find happy with another.
My younger than me wife and the ever expanding family that goes with it.
But without my personal happy, none of that would be possible.
There are still ups and downs,naturally, and the pursuit continues, but it’s a sustaining pursuit more than a seeking pursuit.
Thought this lifetime pursuit, there has been one constant-
It’s has been part of me for as long as I can remember.
Through the hardships of then to the life of now it’s always been my companion.
So I ask again…
R U 😊?
Whatever the answer, keep up the pursuit.