The Pickpocket Putback Principle

The pickpocket pilfers the pockets of the plenty,
placing packages onto his person to please his perverted pleasure.

Podering perhaps that his pathway to pain is predestined,
He proceeds to place packages pointlessly INTO the pockets of pedesrtrians and passersby.

Thereby pouncing the predicament of prison….

Say all that 10 times fast…but just watch the video once.

I know I am not much of a poetry person, but please be polite….

For some reason I gotta go “P”.


Things I Found While Cleaning Out My Truck

I realized, today, that my truck has a back seat accessible with the handy 3rd door which opens from the passenger side.

What a revelation for me.

I have had the truck for about a year and thought the extra room behind the front seat was used for just throwing stuff over my shoulder while I drove.

Here is a list of things I found after uncovering the bench seat that resides behind the front seat….

-14 convenience store styrofoam individual hot dog boxes

-7 convenience store coffee cups

-Pat Boone “In A Metal Mood-No More Mr. Nice Guy” CD


-13 convenience store coffee cup lids…….I know 7 cups, 13 lids….

-21 losing scratch off lottery tickets

-3 losing mega millions lotto tickets

-35 Reese’s Fast Break candy wrappers

-25 pesos, 6 rubles, 4 francs, and a Chuck E. Cheese token

-a Ross Perot for President bumper sticker


-One word…..Waldo

-9 carpenters pencils

-the manuscript to the sequel of “Ishtar”

-1 size 3 “Toy Story 2” flip flop

-4 screwdrivers

-2 sets of Allen wrenches

-1 empty package of “ExtenZe”…..not mine…..seriously…..

– a camouflage bandana

– 1/2 roll of grey duct tape

-15 straws still stuck in the lids with no cups attached


-a half eaten Mcdouble

Quit thinking about the ExtenZe……..


Things I Have Lost

List of stuff I used to have but somehow misplaced:

-the combination to my unicycle bike lock

– a 1986 Honda Accord

– My Space password

– Elvis “Blue Hawaii” bobble head

– perfect attendance award earned at anger management class

– 1 neon green shoelace

– ” How to pick up Lithuanian girls for dummies” instruction manual.

– nose hair trimmers

– “my parents went to midget wrestling and all I got was this t-shirt”…..t shirt

– one word……boomerang.


Salesmen for God

I’m not a fan of “organized religion”. I choose to be a spiritual person rather than a church going book thumper. I am not against anyone who is. As I have stated before….

To each his own.

I took it upon myself….once….to see what the whole church thing was about. I took a very open minded approach. I visited various denominations over a couple of months timeframe. I sat. I listened. I prayed. I tried to be excited about the process.

I went to the library and checked out various books of faith from different religions around the world. I’ve read everything from the Bible to the Koran. (I hope I spelled it correctly), Buddhism to the works of the Dalai Lama. I wanted to learn in order to see if I was missing out in something.

I tried.

From my journey I learned I believe in parts every faith. Disagree with parts of every faith. It taught me that having faith and believing in something greater than me is essential. So basically I found out that ( for me ) I am fine with who I am and I don’t need to go to a “House of Faith” and hear one persons interpretation of what I need to do or believe in.

Since this personal revelation occurred, I have taken the time to acknowledge all the “Salesmen for God” that are out there. At least 2 times a week, there will be a knock at the door. 2-3 people will be there smiling, ready to sell me their God. I log onto Facebook, at least 4-5 people are asking me to see what their God has done for them and he can do it for me….if I hit the like button. The people from the churches that I visited see me around town and tell me I need to come back…their God is waiting for me. The topper was today I got a call from a 1-800 number. I don’t answer but a voicemail was left so I listened. Apparently God has a prayer circle with a toll free number and they want to pray for me.

When they come to my door or see me around town, I tell them honestly where I stand on the faith issue. I get wide eyed blank stares as they back away from my door clutching their books. Next week a new batch will return. I’m never rude, I listen to what they have to say. I guess by not believing it their God I have offended them.

Happiness and faith is a personal issue. What I believe in works for me.

It not broke….so I prefer not to fix it.

On the (know)ledge

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be “in the know”. Do I really want to know what being “in the know” is all about? All I know, is what I know, and I don’t know if that if that puts me “in the know” or out of the know. Maybe, being “in the know” is not all its cracked up to be. It just might be alright to say no to those that are “in the know”. You know, I’m pretty content with what I know. Maybe, they would be interested in what I know. It’s been known to happen.

All I know at this point, is that using the word know 13 times and never getting anywhere near any sort of subject matter is probably more than you wanted to know……


30% chance of brain

It’s not rocket science….but if it seems like it, we have the how to books for you.

How to ________ for Dummies….

I don’t know who came up with the idea, but I would like to stab them in the eye with a sharp object. If its not bad enough that we don’t have he confidence to ask someone with the knowledge to help us, we have to further berate ourselves by buying a book that labels us as unintelligent.

I bought one once. I had the distinct feeling that I was being followed by someone, saying things such as-

“Don’t trip on your shoelaces, dummy”

“The sign says push…not pull, dummy”

“Pull the tab on the can of you plan to drink it, dummy”

I don’t think I am dumb. What was dumb was purchasing a book that told me I was.

We all need help with something at one time or another. Increasing our knowledge on subjects, increases brain activity and allows to answer question with an answer other than “I don’t know.” The information we seek is out there. It doesn’t take a dummy to know where to find it. Just the willingness to ask for help.

Texting Bee

Here is a list of replies I have received from messages sent to my step daughter-

1- k
2- ya
3- omg
4- no
5- ttyl
6- wutev

Of the 6 listed, one represents an actual word. In case you are not sure which one it is, that would be number 4. As a parent I am currently on the lookout for a book titled-

“Texting for parents who were taught how the English language is supposed to be used, but have been forced to raise children who believe that punctuation, spelling, grammar, proper word usage, and face to face communication skills are a thing of the past”

For the texting crowd, naturally the title would be-


Thanks for listening

Paired up

Some things in life were made to be together-

Peanut butter and jelly

Salt and pepper

Sneezing and Kleenex

Hippies and Patchouli

The first 3 mentioned pairings speak for themselves. I believe it would be fairly safe to say that one could continue to flourish without the other. Not so with the 4th pairing.
I can’t be certain that this question will ever be answered….

Which came first the hippie or patchouli?

The answer, whichever it may be, does nothing to hinder the fact that the hippie will cease to exist without patchouli, and vice versa.
Wearing peace signs, tie dye clothing, Lennon glasses, and trooping around in Jesus Joggers (sandals to those in the know), does not a hippie make. The true hippie foregoes showering, shaving, and basic hygiene. It is hard to work cleanliness into a daily routine which involves crowding your brood into VW Van and traveling to the next Grateful Dead or Phish show. To remedy the situation….patchouli is the only answer. It masks the various body odors that only the body can produce when not being cleaned for days on end. It leaves the wearer smelling like a really dirty flower.
I have never worn patchouli. I have had the opportunity to hang around enough hippies to recognize the smell. You wonder why they are always showing the peace sign?…..they always receive the peace and quiet they need because of the rancid hippie cologne they wear.
If patchouli were somehow eradicated from the Earth like the dinosaurs, I am quite certain that the hippie fad would also. Until then we all have to put up with the Bonaroo and Burning Man festivals and various other hippie events which attempt to capture the majesty and magic of Woodstock. Sadly that was a different time and a previous generation who actually had passion for their beliefs.


Instrument of extinction

I have stated

previously that I am a music lover. It has the effect of setting the tone for my day, carrying me thru various moods, and makes my life better.
I don’t have a favorite genre or artist. I listen to it all. The way musicians make their instruments talk and tell stories amazes me.
There is one instrument in particular that I never hear. I know the reason why. It has placed itself out of the music business. Any time I hear it, which isn’t often, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I get a weary chill of terror. There is no substitute for striking fear in the minds of men than this five stringed demon.

I am speaking of the banjo.

The fear comes from a movie that people older than I will remember well. I was only 3 when it was released. I saw it when I was a teen and have been scared of the banjo ever since. The movie is “Deliverance”. The banjo is not featured throughout the movie but plays a big part.
Any man who hears the banjo will no doubt have one comment to utter, probably quite loudly.


Just got the chill again.

If you haven’t seen the movie or would like to know how the banjo will be remembered once it is finally extinct. Please go rent the movie. You won’t be disappointed and might not ever go into the woods again.