The Blue Steel

“Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Gracie anyway? The dog has only one look for Christ’s sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They’re the same face! Doesn’t anyone notice this?!

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Gracie? Nothing! YOU’VE GOT NOTHING! NOTHING!!”

Quote from Mugatu, taken from the film Zoolander.

Pics of the same face….our dog, Gracie, and one combo pic with our beloved wolf, Mischa. Both of whom are no longer with us.

She’s so hot right now….


Found this in the archives of good2begone. It gave me a needed smile and laugh. Hope it does the same for someone else.


The Now Know Row

I talk a lot of nonsense.

Sometimes I try to pass it off as fact.

How do I know that they know?

Yeah…thats the look.

Even Stella knows when I’m full of crap….

Eventually, I will learn how to pass off what I think I know to those whose dont think I know and then we will all know that I’m in the know….

Ya know?

What a strange word….

The Bazooka Paradox

While we were out shopping yesterday, I made the mistake of leaving my work lunchbox opened on the kitchen table.

I came home to find out our can’t be left alone German shepard, Stella, had gotten into said lunch bag.

She devoured a stick of habanero beef Jerky


And entire pack of bubble gum….

The whole pack…

Left us the wrappers to clean up…

We have been waiting to see which end starts blowing bubbles…

Bare Bones Love

Some are known for being great gift givers.

I’m not one of them.

I try….but dog gone it…I usually fall short.

We have this stray that has taken to hanging out in our front yard.

We even have a name for her-

“Front yard dog”

Yes…the naming creativity in our household is astounding.


She showed up and won’t leave.

My wife has taken a big liking to her.

Apparently…the 4 other dogs we have all take to me, and she wants one to take to her.

Look, I can’t help it that I’m the Cesar Milan of our family.

She has tried to come up with other names besides “front yard dog”.

I tried to give suggestions-

Character defect
A stray
Professor Aloicious Stuff n Stuff

The greatness of those names just flow off your tongue.

Not my wife’s, though. She looks at me like I am an idiot.

She decided on Serenity.

So Serenity it is. She even got her to venture into the house last night….where she stayed until the morning.

I let her out before I went to work this morning.

When my wife got off work, she returned home to find a gift that Serenity had left on our doorstep.

Obviously, given in gratitude for allowing her to stay and be part of the family.

Great gifts….

Some can.

Some can’t.


It’s the thought that counts.

Time Alone

This is my weekend…..alone.

My wife is out at the lake for a weekend long AA conference.

The kids are at their Dad’s.

I have the house to myself.

I can eat a bunch of crap without the ingredients and sugar content being scolded into me.

I can watch a movie without having to stop it to answer questions about what is going on or what is going to happen.

I can leave the bathroom door open.

Hell, I don’t even have to wear pants if I don’t want to!

I could play rock, paper, scissors with my reflection in the mirror…for hours until someone wins.

My options are limitless.

Ahhh…just the thought of it makes me giddy.

In reality, what have I done with my weekend-

-grocery shopping
-went through my clothes and got rid of stuff

While grocery shopping at “the Walmart” I got to watch a demonstration of some new fancy schmancy food slicer….

I know what you’re thinking-

“Wow! Say it isn’t so!”

Yeah…it’s so.

For that 10 minutes of time I won’t ever be able to get back I got a free peeler.

I guess it’s European or something, it says so on the box..that or it is worth 1 euro.

I did go Goodwill hunting. I need jeans for work. I refuse to pay regular price for jeans that will be used for construction purposes. I go there and pay $5 for a pair. The best thing is the pre existing blood stains and bullet holes are at no extra charge.

Sweet deal!

While I was hunting, I was accosted by a guy who swears he knows me.

He told me that after the last time he spoke with me he got in a dispute with his “baby’s momma” and it took 15 officers of the law to restrain him.

I don’t even think there are 15 officers employed in this county.

I listened, nodded and asked him if he needed a euro peeler.

He looked at me like I was crazy and walked away.

It took 15 Goodwill volunteers to keep me from reminding him who was crazy.


My most excellent idea for the weekend was to give my dogs baths.

I have 4 of them.

-a chihuahua
-a shitzu/weenie dog
-mini sheltie

There is water everywhere.


Worst idea ever.

That’s them post bath, chillin’ on the furniture that had to be covered…

I have until around noon tomorrow to unclog the bathtub drain and get all the paw prints off the tile and wood floors.

Hopefully by that time the house and I won’t smell like wet dog potpourri.

And maybe I can get back to family and work and get some rest.

In The Dog House

I really thought I knew her. I do know her…for over 4 1/2 years. But yet…I feel I don’t know her at all.

I found out the hard way. I found her passed out on the couch, all spread eagle like a common floosie. Maybe she’s drunk…I don’t know how..we don’t even have alcohol in the house. Maybe she was with that dirty dog down the street.

And to thing we named her


What will I tell the kids?


The Barking Gecko

I have owned an odd array of pets over the years. The one that leaves me with the heebie jeebies is the gecko I aptly named Zilla.

Due to fear of copyright infringements and the some of the religious zealots I call friends, I named him Zilla instead of Godzilla.

To dispel any myths, I first must say a few things about this reptile.

-they are quick
-they are agile
-they don’t have British accents
-they don’t like tea or crumpets
-they are not nice
-they don’t like to be touched
– they bark

I brought Zilla home from Reptile gala at the local pet store. I had the pet store guy put him in a ready made reptile ready aquarium equipped with heat stone and reptile light fixture. I had a screen clip on top to keep him from getting out. I also bought about 20 live crickets for him to snack on.

I loved watching him stalk his prey. He would stick himself upside down or sideways on the glass and wait. And wait. And wait. Then BAM. He outstretched his gecko tongue and snapped up the cricket and devoured him.

After a couple of weeks, I knew I needed to clean the aquarium. The question was how was I going to clean the aquarium without “he who can stick to and climb anything” getting away. So back to the pet store I went for some much needed information.

The lizard guru of the establishment gave me the simple rules of the cleaning process.

1- open the cage
2- throw a towel over the gecko and quickly grab him
3- put him in another cage while cleaning
4-repeat the aforementioned 3 steps

The towel is to kind of stun him, in order to make it easier for me to handle. Plus, he apparently is fairly limber and does not like to be touched. When touched their vice grip jaws tend to latch on to whatever is near.

All info I needed BEFORE buying this beast, not after.


I get home. Take the aquarium into the bathroom. And begin the extraction process.

Step 1-no problem
Step 2-I missed, we have a problem

I think he saw the old throw the towel over me trick coming. He dodged it, bolted up and out of the cage. He stopped 7 feet up the wall and turned around. And leered at me.

I wasn’t going to be defeated. He was like 8 inches long. I’m 6 over six feet tall. I wasn’t scared.

I grabbed the towel and started to reach up to just grab him.

Then he BARKED……..

Now I was scared.

And he knew it.

I didn’t know what to do. I tried to reason with him by pleading with him to just be nice and get back into the cage. But like I said, they don’t talk. I heard no “try my insurance sales cliches”, no cute accents, nada.

To make a long story short, I never got him into cage number two.

My repeated attempts failed.

His last bark, before darting up into the vent cover on the ceiling sounded strangely like impersonation of Hans Gruber from the movie Die Hard-

“Yippe Kay Ay, Mudda Fuk”