On a positive yet strange note….
It appears that here in my little corner of central Texas, that a strange phenomenon is occuring.
What seems to be particles of H2O are falling from the sky at an exponential rate.
Not sure what to make of it.
Conspiracy theorist in our area are saying it will probably be happening all day quite possibly into tomorrow.
Also strange noises that resemble a bowling being throw down an alley and flashes of light from the sky as well.
Strange days, indeed.
After 18 years of continuous sobriety my wife started drinking again.
Not being able to adopt the baby was the final straw in a haystack built over a lifetime of trauma that sealed the deal.
18 years.
We have been married for over 13.
Simple math.
I had never seen her drink alcohol.
Now I have.
To say that there will be a rough road ahead is an understatement.
But, I said “I do” to ALL of the cliche vows that go with being married and I’m sticking to them.
We met in sobriety. I didn’t marry her because of it.
I love her and will do whatever it takes to help her.
Except, drink with her.
The storm is brewing, another change on the horizon.
Damn, this life.
Always give more than what people expect….
Unless you are a bank teller.
I tell ya….its hot here in Texas…
HOW HOT IS IT?
Well. Since you asked….its so hot here in Texas that the screen on my Galaxy Z Fold smartphone…melted today.
I’m still paying for it….
So I am back to my beat up, broken screen, galaxy s8+ active.
Maybe. This phone will be smart enough to stay out of the over 100 degree heat.
Im starting to think that all of my life’s problems, misdirection, failures and challenges are stemmed from one thing…..
That damn chain letter I never sent to 15 different people to bring fortune and good luck when I was 11.
I’ve been on a meditative routine for a bit over a week now.
The routine consists of meditating at least twice a day.
The day begins with meditation.
The day starts between 4 and 5 am.
The day starts too early.
The day starts because of Stella…our German Shepard.
She has decided that between 4 and 5 am is the perfect time to start the day.
So, she paws me in the face and whines until I get up.
Ughh.
She doesn’t even like to meditate.
The only reason she’s up at that time is because one morning about 3 weeks ago she found a frog once we went outside.
Now. Every morning she expects Kermit to be there.
Guess what? He’s not.
My deal is…once I get up from sleeping…I stay up.
As long as I’m up I might as well meditate.
It’s peaceful and quiet which makes for good conditions.
I’m using guided meditations for now.
The voice in them helps to distract my hamster on a wheel brain and I can focus on what is being said.
In the evening, my wife n I meditate together. Each with headphones and separate meditations.
She has been meditating for years.
So far, this routine has helped me….I think.
Just a week in, so I’m not hopping a train to an enlightment ceremony or anything I’m just enjoying the start of the journey.
What I have noticed is what may be side effects of meditation….
I’ve had a lot of recurring thoughts, images and replays of past situations in my life that are best left…in the past.
I thought I had come to terms with these…..situations and events…when I went through the 12 step process of a recovery program.
I was thorough and honest when it came time to talk about the “bad things ” and followed the road throughout the step process….
Twice.
I don’t like to live in the past.
The past is behind me.
I’ve already weathered that storm
The past is who I was, not who I am today.
This whole change thing….
It’s this thing….
That keeps changing
It all comes down to a choice…
I either roll with the changes
Or
Get rolled over by them.
I wasn’t planning on this being the second installment of the adoption files…
But such as life, things change quickly.
The young lady who is pregnant with the baby we are planning to adopt and her mother just had a huge blowout.
My wife had the mother on speaker phone. All I heard was yelling and screaming.
A short time later. A car pulled up and a door slammed. Then the car hastily drove off.
I opened the door right as the the young pregnant girl was walking up….crying.
The end result….
The young lady who is pregnant with the baby we are planning to adopt is moving in with us.
My wife is off to pick up her things.
I’m setting up the room for her, which is usually for my son when he is town too see his 2 sons per the custody agreement, which is every other weekend.
Next weekend is the other weekend.
Is anyone else’s life like this?
I consider myself to be a bit…umm..socially awkward.
It’s not that I can’t hold or carry on a conversation….
It’s just that…well read for yourself..
I recently met one of wife’s friends and her husband. Naturally…small talk happened-
“So, good2begone. What do you do for a living?” The husband innocently asks.
I matter of factly reply.
“I work for a company that engineers, constructs, and installs water structures used for leisure and also for storage of water crafts.”
My wife quickly interjects with a slight irritation,
“They build boat docks. Could please talk normal for once….”
I just shrug my shoulders.
The husband chuckles a bit and comments,
“You must spend a lot of time in the water with the Texas heat being over a hundred so often…”
My lightning response mechanism kicked in without me even channeling it-
“Honestly….I don’t go IN the water…I prefer to stay ON the water…kinda like Jesus.”
I actually heard my wife’s blood begin to boil.
The husband again chuckles and continues to engage me while his wife…and mine just glare at me…quite possibly in anger or frustration…not sure which.
“Whats the deal…can’t swim?….Afraid of the water?”
“No. Here’s the real reason…”
I say, almost in a whisper, as I look all around me with wide eyes as if the room is bugged by some conspiratorial government organization…
“Various aquatic creatures FORNICATE in the water….and that’s GROSS!”
I accentuate the reply with a strong index finger point in his general direction.
At this point my wife and his wife get up and head to the other room….
Maybe annoyingly….would be the term to use.
I dunno…
To make long story short…
My wife’s friends husband and I are meeting for coffee next week
But…
We are not planning for a couples fishing trip anytime soon.
Was it something I said?
The child holding the string cheese triggered a mental flash from her past that she did not remember.
Kind of odd when she thought about it. Not knowing her past was not a new thing. She was adopted from the agency when she was 9. She loved her adoptive parents and felt no need to find out who gave her up or why it was done.
Until she saw the child in the park.
She was going on a stroll through the park to clear her head and enjoy being outside. People were riding bikes, sitting under trees and basking in the warm summer glow. Kids were running around, like kids do, and it made her smile.
She saw a family having a picnic. She glanced over and saw the pretty young girl hold up a strand of string cheese, cock her head sideways and giggle.
That was when the image overtook her vision. It was her, as a 5 year old child, head cocked sideways. The face held a blank expression. She was holding up something and the words she saw herself mouth were, “Toopid Moose”.
She stopped in her tracks. She couldn’t understand what it was. She tried to shake it and just couldn’t do it.
She went home and thought about it. The one thing she could remember was when she lived at the adoption home, she was always watching “Rocky and Bullwinkle”. A cartoon with a flying squirrel and a moose. But it just didn’t fit with the image.
The image wouldn’t go away. In her sleep, she heard her own childhood voice repeat that phrase, “Toopid Moose”. When she looked in the mirror, she would be sitting behind her in child form holding up…..whatever it was with a tilted head and blank face. She had to know what it meant.
To find they answer she went to her adoptive mother and father.
She normally had dinner with them once a week. Upon arrival they knew something was up. She wasn’t herself.
“What’s wrong, honey. You look a little pale. Have you been sleeping well?”
“No Mom I haven’t. Can I ask you a strange question?”
“You know, you can ask me anything.” she replied as she began placing the the dinner plates on the table.
“I’ve been wondering about my childhood…..before you and Dad adopted me….do the words toopid moose ring a bell with…
The plates hit the floor with a crash. Mom lost color and held the chair for support.
“Mom? What is it?” she asked.
“Well, I had a feeling this day would come …..but I prayed to the good Lord that it wouldn’t. Your Father and I can’t be the ones to tell you the truth. The only one who can is your old caretaker from the adoption agency. We made a promise to her to let her tell you. You know how we are about our promises. We keep them. Just like the promise we made to love you as if you came from my womb on the day we adopted you.”
Mom reached into small box and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to her. ” Here is her address. Go visit her and ask for the truth. She promised she would.”
She left her parents house and went directly to the address. She pulled her car up to the curb and got out. An elderly lady sat on a bench on the patio. As she approached the steps the old woman spoke,
” My, My….I knew it was you the second you got out.”
“it’s been over 15 years since I was adopted. How could you possibly remember me?”
“The look on your face now matches the one you had when you came to us. Bright green eyes, blank expression. You came for the truth, didn’t you?”
“Yes, I keep having this image of me holding up ….string cheese….and saying toopid moose. What does it mean?”
“Sit, child. I have to get something.”
She went inside and returned with an old cigar box. She back back on the bench and placed it beside her.
“Child….When you were brought to us, you were in a state of shock. Your biological mother loved you dearly but could not handle the state of her affairs. Financially, emotionally and spiritually broken she was. You were not a burden to her….she wanted you to have better but did not know how to accomplish it. The more she tried the more depressed she got…….
for right or wrong I took it upon myself to attempt to train you to hide your memories of that night. That cartoon with the moose was the best I could come up with. I had you watch it continually to cloud your memory of the words you always repeated. Toopid Moose. I thought because of your young age you would forget the truth. Eventually the truth always wins out.”
She opened the cigar box and handed her a newspaper clipping…..
The headline read- Single Mother Commits Suicide While Child Watches
Police were dispatched to a home in response to apparent suicide. The woman was found hanging from a noose tied to a basement ceiling rafter. Her young daughter was found in the room. Name withheld due to her being a juvenile…..
A white flash erupted in her vision. A scene from her childhood began to play.
“I need to end this sweetie. Someone will find you. If I could just figure out how to do this knot right….”
She tied her 4th attempt at a noose to the rafter and got up on the chair. She placed her neck into it and kicked the chair out.
And for the fourth time the rope came unloose and she came crashing down.
“Stupid noose. I can’t even kill myself right.”
The child lifted up the first discarded attempt at a noose, tilted her head and said,
“yeah mommy toopid moose.”
The mother became frantic. One more try…..
She picked up the thick rope from the hardware store and REALLY concentrated on the instructions she got online. She tied the square knot around the rafter and pulled it tight. It seemed secure. She calmly figured out the height of the noose she needed and formed it at the other end. She looked at her daughter.
The child looked up, cocked her head, held up another piece of rope and said, “Toopid Moose”
“Hopefully not this time sweetie. I love you” before getting on the chair she picked up the phone and dialed 911, and left the phone receiver lying on the shelf. She got up on the chair and placed her neck in the noose….
“Emergency services, how can we assist you?…..hello….is anyone there….hello….”was heard in a muffled voice
She kicked out the chair. The rope tightened. She struggled for a moment….then swung in the air until she stopped.
The child looked up, holding a piece of rope, and said, “Toopid moose!….. Mommy?….mom meeeee!!…”
Her normal vision returned…and she began to cry. The old woman held her and rocked her like she did when she first met her 19 years before and said,
“There, there child…. It’s over now.”
This was the first story I wrote on this blog years ago.
Entertainment wise….the world seems to love reboots.
As I attempt to break in my new story writing boots…..
I’m trying on the oldest to see if they still fit.
I hope it caused some sort of stir of emotion, as stories should.
Why and what happened when I stopped blogging years ago?
The answer is best explained using this analogy…
When I started blogging it was much like the vehicle I now drive. Which is a GMC Yukon Denali XL.
It’s big, imposing, comfortable. 2 rows of captains chairs, 12 speaker BOSE stereo system. 2 video screens, leather interior, wood trim. It has it all.
I treated my blogging as such.
Just get in and drive.
Be spontaneous and let it ride.
By the end of my run. I felt I was no longer in the Denali….
I was back driving my first car. She was dubbed ” the mazdarati”.
That’s close to it. Mazda GLC hatchback. No frills. Bells or whistles.
The horn didn’t even work. I had to lean out the window and scream.
The only spontaneous thing about it was the smell…ugh.
I put diesel gas in it once…
Not a good idea.
Anyway, my blog ended up like that car…
Abandoned.
Now, all this time later. I giving it another go.
Where have been during that time and what have I been doing since then?
Follow along as I get back in the Denali and take a long ride.
The last six years have been life changing and eventful. The future promises to be just as chaotic.
I tell it as I see it.
Once again….
It’s good 2 be gone.
Good2begone 