humor

The A May Zing


I wanted add to my-I am the greatest grandparent in the history of grandparentkind!!

So, this evening we took the 3 musketeers (ages 4, 4, and 2) out for pizza.

Then out for handmade ice cream.

Then home for new coloring books and coloring.

I should have a parade in my honor.

That is as long as the parade organizers ignore anything I say about the coloring incident…

It wasn’t my fault….

Really….

I had it all planned out.

I even bought myself an adult coloring book.

I’m a man….I ain’t coloring no paw patrol.

I went with this…..

Notice the $3 price tax…

THATS A DEAL BABY!!

Got it at the dollar store.

You realize….that I could have bought 3 separate things for a dollar, but, I opted to go big and spend ALL three dollars on 1 item.

Pretty amazing, huh.

Yeah…my wife tells me all the time how amazing I am.

Now you see why….

While I basking in my glory I decided I should by crayons as well….for me.

I’m a man, I ain’t sharing no crayons with a bunch of whiny kids.

Boom.

64 crayons for a buck.

A May Zing.

And that was the start of my downfall without even knowing it.

Apparently…

All crayons are not the same.

And I found that out by losing my collective shit over the fact these crayons break by touching to the page.

My wife says it’s amazing that I’m so comfortable cursing and having a tantrum in front of the boys.

Maybe I’ll hold off on the parade….

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The Refresh After 40


My younger than me wife and I like to do things together.

Usually that means we take something that is old and make it new again.

Like when she married me….

But this ain’t about me.

It’s about her over 40 year old dresser and nightstand.

She has had it since childhood….but doesn’t want it to look like it.

So, we went to work by taking it outside, removing the drawers and handles and I showed her how to use the belt sander to take off the finish and get it ready to paint.

Next, it was paint. We headed to the Home Depot and decided one 3 shades of grey.

She took care of the lighter color and I took care of the trim and cut in and also the spray painting of the handles.

After drying, I put everything together.

Then moved it back into the house, where we hope to have it for another 40 years or so.

First time for us refinishing our own furniture.

Further proof that an old dog can learn new tricks.

The 2 Cups 1 Guy


It’s not what you may think…

Get your mind out of the gutter…or not..

You do you, boo boo.

Anyway …

New year….new me…

Which is a statement I have never uttered before.

Yet, here I am.

I’ve always had back pain.

Work, injuries…just general age related stuff on top of that.

I don’t like chiropractors. My experience is they are pain givers. The more cracks the better.

I’ve never had a professional massage.

Why?

I don’t like paying people to touch me.

My younger than me wife suggested something different..

Back Cupping Therapy

New year new me so why not.

It consists of 2 Cups connected to a suction thingie that raises the skin in different places on the back to ease pain, stress and the like.

Here is what my back looked like after the session…

The top of my spine was a bit bruised afterward. Coincidentally, that’s where a lot of my pain resides.

New year new me.

It was also suggested to drink lots of water.

If cut back my sugar and caffeine intake by about 80 percent.

By February I hope to be off all sugar and caffeine drinks.

New year new me.

Quit smoking cigarettes as well. 30 years of it is more than enough.

Change ain’t all that bad.

As always…

It’s good to be gone….that’s why I go.

The Spot I Fy


I listen to a lot of music.

Now I have a way to justify that statement.

Spotify gives me a rundown of the year of listening.

That be mucho minutes.

It works out to about 9 hours a day….

Every day….

For 365 days a year.

I was kind of surprised with the Buddhist chant music as the number 1, but I’ve been working fairly diligently on my inner peace.

I listened to 2611 different artists within 101 different genres.

I listened to more music than 97% of the platform users in the United States.

Top 3%. That puts me on the medal platform…..

“All I do is win”

First place on the platform will be mine….even she can sense it!

Next year I’m coming for that 1st place envelope… better strap those pink rain boots on tight and be ready for my symphony of victory….

The Blue Steel


“Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein. Who cares about Gracie anyway? The dog has only one look for Christ’s sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They’re the same face! Doesn’t anyone notice this?!

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. I invented the piano key necktie. I invented it! What have you done, Gracie? Nothing! YOU’VE GOT NOTHING! NOTHING!!”

Quote from Mugatu, taken from the film Zoolander.

Pics of the same face….our dog, Gracie, and one combo pic with our beloved wolf, Mischa. Both of whom are no longer with us.

She’s so hot right now….

_______________________________

Found this in the archives of good2begone. It gave me a needed smile and laugh. Hope it does the same for someone else.

The Triangle Buffoon (Revisited)


In 7th grade I was in the band…..keep in mind I said “the” band not “a” band.


There’s a difference you know.

Being in a “band” means you and a few buddies have aspirations of being the next Rolling Stones or Aerosmith. It means you get together and try to learn and play instruments together for the purpose of playing shows and being loud and obnoxious.

Being in “the” band means it was a class. In my case it was an elective. It was either that or art. I tried that one already. Apparently having the ability to write your own name in the snow while peeing is not very impressive to the art teacher. Also, our first lesson was learning how to draw a bowl of fruit. I drew stick figure ninjas. It was requested that I channel my energies through music.

I was told I was going to play the trombone. I giggled and said, ” you want me to play tom’s bone?”

Strike one.

One more teacher unimpressed with me.

I was the worst trombone player in the history of all 7th grade. You knew how good you were based on the “Chair System”. There were 4 other trombone players that year. I was chair #5. To my credit I did get a lot of attention in that class. The trombone makes great loud fart noises. Not too great when I chose to utilize them during an after school performance. I was told to just “pretend” like I was playing. I didn’t.

Strike 2

Shortly after the performance. The instructor had a talk with me. He felt my strong point in the band was not playing a brass instrument and that I should be delegated to something more my style. I thought DRUMS HERE I COME!

He handed me the dreaded triangle. I tried to argue and state my case.

“This is not an instrument, it’s a shape!”

He just smiled widely and said, ” It’s too late to change classes. You play this….when you are supposed to…and I will pass you. If not you will fail.”

Stupid triangle.

There are like….no songs for the triangle. No solos. Nada. Not even a chair system for grading. Just me, no chair. I had to stand.

It was school policy that I had to be in performances. It was there that I took my revenge.

I was at the back of the stage for the next performance. I had one “ding” to perform for the hour long show. So pretty much I was ready.

From the beginning of the performance, up until my “ding” , and until the show was over I did what I thought was right. For each number played, for the duration of the number, I did “the robot dance”.

I was out of view of the audience, by design, but in perfect view of my instructor. If he didn’t have the job of guiding his musical flock with his baton, he would have used it on me. But I hit my one note on cue. Smiled. And continued to robot dance.

I was not allowed to be in any more performances. But I passed.

Now any time I hear the bell of an elevator or a microwave or a low fuel ding in the truck, I have the urge to robot dance.

My wife and kids are not impressed with it either.

Strike 3

I’m out.

Dug up from the archives of good2begone

The Small Talk


Today, my boss asked me to go back to a job we did last week.

Apparently, a few of the deckboards were sticking up or did not get screwed down properly.

He said the owner would be there, just introduce yourself, tell him what you are there to do, do it and get out.

I said-

I’m pretty sure I can handle it….I’m not a complete idiot.

I went to the jobsite, saw the owner and said-

Hello, I’m good2begone…I hear you have a few screws loose.

Maybe…just maybe, I need some work on my presentation.            

Image-bumpy Brain

The Ducknot




Things are looking up in the land of good2begone!

Yesterday at work, I was walking with my head down watching my feet so I wouldn’t fall on the rocky landscape…

And walked full force into a horizontal metal pole.

Almost fell unconscious.

Thought I broke my nose.

I didnt.

Just broke my stride….

While a few choice adult words that rhyme with…

Duck and hit

Fell from my mouth.

Basically I jarred my neck so good that it hurts to look down.

So I have to look up.

Note to self-

Let the feet do the walking
The eyes do the watching

Duck when necessary

Not me…but a fair representation of the event

The Buzz


Cheating is a serious allegation in any form or facet.

In any gameplay, the accusation better be backed up with fact or you may get your ass handed to you.

The number 1 chess player in the world lost a match to a 19 year old American, who coincidentally is ranked number 49.

He is being accused of cheating to win.

How did he cheat….in chess?…..

There are 2 scenarios-

1-the ‘ol vibrating shoe trick


My guess-the shoe is hooked up to a wifi signal after the champ makes his move, someone remotely puts that move into a computer program  and sends the best move to counter to the shoe.

Or…something like that.

The second scenario kicks ass!!

It is being reported that the 19 year old American could have quite possibly been using…..

Wait for it….

VIBRATING ANAL BEADS

……….
……….
……….

What the…who the….why the…

Just win baby.

But dont get caught with your pants down.