The Fork Off


I blame the show “Seinfeld”.

Plain and simple..no bones about it.

It’s that damn TV show that has and will be in syndicated re runs for eternity that caused this mess…or lack there of it.

I could just be making something out of nothing….

BUT I DOUBT IT!

I should probably get PETA involved.

They have to be stopped…

Not PETA…

Whoever decided to breed and raise boneless chickens.

They must have some stealth operation going on. I have Googled, Bing, Yahooed, and even used some search engines that run off guinea pigs running on a wheel for one thing-

“Boneless chicken pics”

Not cooked, fried, breaded, grilled, or baked boneless chickens

Actual rolling around boneless chickens.

(They can’t walk without bones so they must be rollers.)

I found one pic.

20130823-211950.jpgNot what I was looking for.

Chicken wings are fun to eat. They are messy AND delicious.

That is a winning combo.

But that damn George Costanza and his eating a snickers with a fork has ruined it all.

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No melting chocolate and nougat on the hands means less napkins wasted and better etiquette..I guess.

There is nothing more American than going to a restaurant and seeing patrons with buffalo wing sauce covering their faces and hands…

And mounds of used napkins on the floor.

The need for etiquette is taking all of that away.

I’m not a pinkie raiser..

I choose to raise a different finger.

Once the bones are taken out of the wings they can no longer be called wings.

Chickens without bones need a new go to phrase to separate itself from everything else.

How about-

Boneless chicken…the other…other white meat.

Seinfeld…stick to big salads and bring masters of your domain, but leave our etiquette deficiencies alone.

It’s one more thing that makes America great.

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The Sugar Shakedown


Witch Doctors are real.

I know…I know…you probably think I’m poking up the wrong voodoo doll on this one…but it’s true.

My wife visits one on a monthly basis.

He doesn’t call himself a witch doctor..I call him that.

He calls himself a “Nutritional Response Therapist”.

Psst…don’t tell anyone….that’s just fancy mumbo jumbo for witch doctor.

YouTube that term for a video explanation…I aint gonna do it for ya.

It really doesn’t matter what I call him. What he does works. He has helped my wife with various issues she has been having…and they trace back to what she puts into her body.

To get better, she has has to cut out various food items.

-chocolate
-peanuts
-soy
-wheat
-corn
-granulated sugar
-rice
-gluton

to name a few.

I am a supportive husband. I have told her that I would do my best to eat what she has to eat….or not eat, as to not isolate her from the family eating frenzy.

We have become label checkers. Anything that contains the above items in any form is a no no.

Trouble is EVERYTHING contains some of those items.

I need to find a secret black market delivery service that can steathily get me food contraband so I be supportive face to face but can be a gluttonous sloth behind her back.

Or…

Someone who is willing to forge ingredient labels to say they don’t include any of the above listed items.

The nutritional data also needs to be fudged (every pun intended) to inform me that the sugar count per serving is ZERO OR LESS.

Every item I pick up at the grocery store gets snatched out of my paws by wife so she can check the hyper count.

She is the sugar Gestapo.

I. NEED. SUGAR. PERIOD.

(The word period was spelled out for dramatic effect to exemplify the point that I am taking a stand to everyone except my anti sugar wife)

I even took her to a couple of hippie grocery stores that were 80 miles away.

I think one was called-

“Ve Gan Do It!”

Or something along those lines….

You know what these people eat?

No meat….meat.

That’s not groovy.

Here is what I found to illustrate what no meat….meat…is for other sugar devouring carnivores in hiding like myself.

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Tofurky
Trademark

Tofurky is the brand name of an American vegetarian turkey replacement made from a blend of wheat protein and organic tofu. Tofurky is a trademark of Turtle Island Foods, a company based in Oregon. -Wikipedia

It may be the greatest no meat…meat in the history of no substance….substances…

BUT I NEED SUBSTANCE!!!

Please send me donuts hidden in a box of gluton free spinach fettuccini.

They make that you know. I’ve seen it. I’ve not only seen it, I will be eating it soon.

Either that or find “The Good Witch Doctor of the West” for me before the flying monkeys force me into a hippie commune.

I don’t want that to happen.

Patchouli makes me nauseas.

The Truth About Shrivel


Raisins are shriveled up grapes. I know that’s not earth shattering news to anyone, but I have a point I will (eventually) get to.

I like raisins.

Specifically, in my cereal. You know the one called Raisin Bran.

Their claim to fame is 2 scoops of raisins in each box.

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Ahhhh…the sun looks so happy sharing those 2 obviously HUGE scoops with the breakfast cereal eating world…

But how much scoop of raisin is in 2?

Rather than buy a box and separate the bran from the shrivel….

Which I seriously considered.

Until I remembered that my wife and kids already believe that I am whack job….no need to add fact to their assumption.

I used the wonders of Google to seek my answer.

It led me to the Q and the A I was looking for by way of a website named

CHOW. com

I have already stated the question…no need to beat a shriveled grape. Here is the answer-

Contrary to what the packaging and years of television conditioning would have us believe, the raisins in Kellogg’s Raisin Bran are not added by a happy sun wielding two little scoops. The Two Scoops!™ promise that appears on Raisin Bran boxes is a marketing phrase “intended to differentiate Kellogg’s Raisin Bran from other types of raisin bran,” says Susanne Norwitz, Kellogg Company spokesperson. The raisins are added to the cereal by weight.
“Because we make Kellogg’s Raisin Bran in several package sizes, the amount of raisins in each package may vary and increases proportionately with the size of the package,” says Norwitz. “Each box contains approximately the same percentage by weight of raisins and flakes.”
In our unscientific analysis, we found that a 20-ounce box of Raisin Bran contained a scant cup of raisins, so for that size package, a “scoop” equals a stingy half cup.

Fascinating isn’t it?….OR MAYBE CONSUMER RIP OFF IS MORE LIKE IT!

(All caps used to exemplify raisin lovers distaste of marketing ploys that have fooled me for years)

I heard through the grapevine that companies lie to consumers….

I’m shocked.

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Stuff it singing shrivel with arms and legs…you look like a roach. Which I don’t like singing or in my cereal.

Great…now I lost my appetite.

And I had no point to get to…..

The Taco Uproar


When is a taco more than a taco?

I have been perplexed with this very question for weeks now.

The ingredients of your standard taco are

Ground beef
Lettuce
Tomato
Shredded cheese
Crispy corn tortilla shell

Of course it can be flared up with

Salsa
Sour cream
Guacamole

That pretty much sums up the taco….
Or so I thought.

First, Taco Bell…..

There motto used to be

“Make a run for the border”

Currently, they have been running FROM the border. Nothing on there menu resembles anything I ever ate in Mexico.

I mean “Locos Tacos”?

What half baked stoner fast food hippie executive came up with this idea?

“Dude….imagine it…get rid of the corn tortilla shell of the taco and replace it with huge taco shell shaped nacho cheese flavored dorito. That…..would….be…LOCO….man.”

No…it is ESTUPIDO!

Please…put down the bong while you are in the process of losing what identity of a Mexican style restaurant you have left…..Gracias.

Second, Taco Fusion

ABC news reports-

Since Taco Fusion, a Mexican restaurant known to offer unusual game meats like ostrich, camel, and bison in its tacos, added lion meat to its menu of “Safari Tacos” on May 2, the restaurant has had to field hostile calls from critics who are up in arms over the menu choice.

“[People have been] coming into the establishment and throwing punches,” the restaurant’s manager Brad Barnett told “Good Morning America.” “They say they are going to bomb us, burn us down, blow us up.”

“They threatened to kidnap Brad [Barnett] and the owner,” another manager, Bayardo Alvarez, told ABC News.

Despite the disapproval, Taco Fusion ran out of lion meat Friday night, Alvarez said.

Even though the animal is in danger of extinction, it is legal to sell and eat lion meat in the United States.

On its menu, the establishment alerts patrons that its game meat offerings are in limited supply and are available at market price. For lion meat, this translates to $34.99 a taco, compared to less expensive options like kangaroo or ostrich, both costing $13.99, Alvarez said.

I am personally not offended by lion meat tacos…..I wouldn’t eat them…..but I am not offended.

Why?

It probably tastes like chicken.

If I want a chicken taco….I will get one….and won’t have to invade Africa to satisfy my taste buds to do it.

During my high school years, I would go get drunk in Mexico on at least a weekly basis. Before stumbling back across the International Bridge I would often stop to eat at a roadside taco stand. I called it “Gatos Tacos” which translates to cat tacos for all you non Spanish speakers.

Was I, in fact, partaking in consuming feline flesh?

I don’t know, but there were no strays anywhere and a collection of cute collars with bells on them stashed in the alley. Make your own judgement.

Anyhoo….I would get 3 exotic tacos for 85 cents. Sometimes if I was feisty I got 2 orders.

What offends me about the Fusion place is-1 Mufasa taco….$34.99….

ONE TACO FOR $34.99????

A weem away…a weem away, indeed.

They must be catering to a fairly ignorant crowd if they are willing to pay that for 1 taco.

I bet refried beans and rice are extra.

And….

How come ostrich and kangaroo tacos are over $20 cheaper?

Have you ever tried to catch an ostrich or a kangaroo?

They are pretty quick….and the kangaroo has a mean left hook.

Like Forrest Gump used to say-

“Life is like an box of tacos….you never know what you are going to get.”

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Feastival of Me


I like to eat. I think most people do. If not for eating I am pretty sure that I would just waste away.

I hear that for survival, all that is needed is water…..

HORSE HOCKEY!!

(I don’t even know what that means…)

Here is a list of what I have eaten since returning from my day at work.

Strangely enough….I have the metabolism of a squirrel on crack, so no matter what I eat, I don’t gain any weight……maybe I have a tapeworm….

5:10pm

-1 bowl of steel oats made from the crock pot.

-1 bowl of strawberry mini wheats cereal.

-1/2 bag of Snyder’s pretzel pieces…cracked pepper and sea salt flavor.

-1 V8 spicy vegetable drink thingie

8:35pm

-4 pancakes with
>butter
>peanut butter
>cinnamon maple syrup

-6 slices of bacon

-4 links of turkey sausage

-roughly 3 and 1/2 scrambled eggs

-2 glasses of OJ

Its about to be 10 pm…

I think there is some mint chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer. I better eat it before it gets freezer burn…..

Food….get some before I get to it.

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A Sport With No Fans


Speed is everything. Olympic competitors work very hard to lower their times in the races they compete in.

-swimming
-track and field
-cycling

Men and women athletes share the same mental aspects in these sports. No distractions. Get from point A to point B in the shortest time possible. Period. They do not compete to win a “porcelain medal”. It’s go for the gold. Second place is nothing more than the first loser.

There are lesser known athletes in the world that also compete in time trial type training and events.

To be honest, women of this sport are not very good at it. They tend to be distracted easily. Point A to Point B is eventually reached, but by the time the goal is reached the judges have gone home.

It is a men’s sport. Most of us don’t even look forward to the weekly competition. It’s not fun. The only personal reward gained is when the journey from Point A to Point B is reached in the shortest time possible. When allowed to compete our way….we always win the gold.

The sport-

“Olympic Time Trial Grocery shopping”

This event is always a chore. The weekly trek to “The WalMart Superstore” is a first class trip of epic boredom…….when it is taken with a woman. Every aisle has to be ventured down. Each shelf has to be inspected. Every shade of makeup and face stuff has to be pondered upon. Various racks of clothing are sifted through.

Butter or margarine?
Orange or grape?
Low fat or 2%?
Flavored or original?
Whole wheat or multi Grain?
Crunchy or creamy?
Frozen Pizza or Frozen Flautas?
2 ply or superply?

Ugghh…….

There is always one single saving grace to grocery shopping.

While tediously pushing the cart behind the female the ultimate distraction occurs…..

Another female will venture past and say,

” I love those shoes you are wearing! Where on Earth did you find them?”

The cart will stop and a lengthy, happy footwear conversation will ensue.

The time trial is about to begin…

Ready….tap the female on the shoulder

Set…..say, ” I’m going to allow you to indulge in your pumps versus flats controversy while I finish shopping.”

Go!

The gun has gone off. We quickly scan the items in the basket. Check.

Think back to what is in the fridge and cabinets back at the house……check.

Gentlemen…..start your engines.

The race is on. The markers on the rows of each aisle that indicate what is in each row are for men. Not women. We can look up and see what is coming up, usually 3 aisles in advance and know if anything is needed there or not. We don’t need no stinking lists. We are mental giants. If the row is crowded and weaving through is not an option, go past and come back to it on the turnaround. Mental focus and speed are gained with each item hurled into the cart.

I usually begin with the frozen food and meat section. Why? The reason is simple.

By the time my 12.48 minute, $243.63 aisle blowing, cart squealing extravaganza is completed, I can calmly return to where my wife is inevitably still talking and say,” Honey, we need to get going before your Ben and Jerry’s starts to melt.”

I push the cart to the shortest checkout lane possible and dream of standing proud as Sam Walton places the gold medal with the shopping cart on it around my neck.

Once again, it is a great day to be a man.

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Man cart. That is all.

The Vegetarian Knockdown


I come from a long line of meat eaters. I like meat appetizers served before my meat entree with meat sides. It is how I was raised. I do not plan on changing my carnivorous habits.

One night after returning home from work. My wife said, ” Your daughter has something she wants to tell you.”

My reply, ” I need a DNA test to prove anything. Why is it when she does something wrong, she’s my daughter?”

“Just listen to her.”

I sigh. And await my onslaught of impending doom administered by my 13 year old step daughter.

“Step dad…..I have decided that I am a vegetarian.”

“Umm….You don’t even like vegetables.”

“I like carrots……”

“So, you’ve decided you’re a carrotitarian? That’s nice. Tell Bugs I said hello.”

” I’m serious. All of this senseless killing of poor defenseless animals for us to eat is dumb. I’m an vegetarian.”

“It’s called the top of the food chain, sister. We are it. If we stop eating the animals they will revolt and take us over, and I refuse to take orders from a cow. That’s why I cook cow for dinner.”

“That makes no sense, stepdad. They don’t even have thumbs. I done with meat. It’s gross and I am a vegetarian.”

I am really intrigued at her willingness to stick to her guns. I enjoy the fact that she is learning to make up her own mind on things she believes in.

But we are talking about meat. So I change my strategy to pretty much flat out start lying to her.

” You know that if are a vegetarian, that you can no longer have fries from fast food places.”

” Not true. Fries are not meat. They are potatoes.”

“True my little bastion of information.
But when fast food places fry their French fries they use leftover grease from the burgers they cook. It is what gives them such great flavor and is also why they taste so good with the burgers they serve.”

“But…..but I love fries…..”

“You are a vegetarian now. No fries for you.”

“Being a vegetarian sucks then. Can we go to Sonic?”

Finally a a mark in the win column for stepdad.

__________

That is until Judge Mom overrides my win and tells her the truth. A temporary win is better than nothing.

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Avocado cartel


I went to the supermarket to get the final makings of a Mexican style dinner for the family. Really all I needed was salsa and some avocados. I love avocados. I eat them in slices or I will make guacamole. Quite versatile they are.
I made my way to the produce section, happy as could be, when suddenly I was taken aback by a horrendous sign. It read -“Avocados 2 for $4″………..
I’m not a bargain shopping guy. I don’t compare prices, coupon shop or any of that. I’m a man. I go to the grocery store, get what I need and get out. But that sign got me thinking……
Is there some secret Mexican Avocado Cartel running a produce price hike without our knowledge? If so, then we need to get ahold of our government officials and have them appoint an Avocado Czar to look into and appropriate funds to fix this mess.
2 for $4? They weren’t any bigger than tangerines. On top of that I had 2 choices
1- doorstop avocados
2- squishy spleen avocados.

I really don’t know what a squishy spleen feels like but it’s the first thing I thought of when gauging the ripeness of the fruit.
For that $4 I could have made a run for the border and hit a Taco Bell drive thru and bought a feast….with change left over for cinnamon crispas, which are well known Mexican delicacies. But I wanted to impress the family with my culinary wonder skills. I bought them and left the store thinking about a gang in Mexico that terrorizes avocado farmers wearing green suits.
I would hate to think what would happen if I was appalled by the price of packaged pasta.

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