An conversation taken place at a table next to mine while in a restaurant-
Her- Do the clothes make the person…or does the person make the clothes?
Him- It doesn’t matter what you wear…if you’re an assclown….you’re an assclown.
Fashion….turn to the left
Fashion….turn to the right
Unexpected surprises are a good thing.
Usually when checking the mail, I am bombarded with bills, cut off notices, and pizza coupons.
But not today!!
I received a fancy envelope with a gold foil stamp on it.
Turns out, I have been specially selected from a random portion of our towns population to be a judge for a fashion show.
I was Giggity with anticipation. I even informed my wife of my good fortune.
“Check it out honey….I have been selected to judge a fashion show.” I said gleefully.
She giggled and replied,
“You? What are you judging? Paint stained jeans and beat up high tops? That’s about the extent of YOUR fashion sense…..”
I smirked and retorted,
“Don’t be jealous. They must have gotten ahold if that Internet IQ test I took….I should be a member of MENSA.”
She shook her head and said under her breathe,
“You should be a member of something. Go ahead make us proud….like you always do.”
And smirked…once again….as she left the room.
________
I get all fancied up with my only Izod polo shirt, my only pair of jeans without work related memories on them and my new Chuck Taylor’s that I bought for the event……with the Eddie Van Halen guitar print on them (BOOYAH), and followed the cryptic map to the fashion show.
Living in a small town, it’s not too hard to find big events….just look for the crowd of monster trucks and barely running 80’s Lincoln Town Cars and you will pretty much be there.
It was odd to me that it was on a hunting ranch on the outskirts of town….but hey chicks in bikini’s are fine with me wherever it happens to be.
I went up to the gate and flashed my fancy invitation.
A guy in overalls and fishing boots took a look at it and a look at me and said,
“We been waitin fer you. Kinda overdressed ain’t ya?”
I replied,
“I wanted to make sure everyone knew I was a judge, so I fancied up.”
“Suit urself. You are with Tiny…” He said and pointed to a raised building about 25 yards away. I now know it what is referred to as a “deer blind”….whatever. Bring on the scantily clad women!!
I opened the door and walked in….barely….an sat down. Tiny was anything but tiny.
“Ur jus in time, boy. Round 1 is about to start.” He said as he handed me binoculars.
“What are these for?” I asked
“Without em, ya may not find the new designs…”
“Wha….????” I thought as I raised them to my eyes.
He is looking and writing numbers down on his pad. I’m looking and getting more frustrated.
I turn my head while looking through the lenses to the left and then slowly over to the right and say,
“I DONT SEE ANYTHING BUT FREAKING TREES AND FOLIAGE!!!” I yelled.
He looks at me funny and says…
“That means they got great designs….ain’t you never been to a camouflage fashion show, boy?”
“Uggghhhh.”
This fashion show sucks.
I have blogged about a lot of stuff.
To keep myself from repeating repeating myself (see what I did there?) I have to revisit the past.
OFF I GO!!
To the Batcave!!
To anyone who is new to my “humble space of words”, there may be some posts that are so far hidden in the archive chamber that they are missed or lost. I hate to leave you out of the fruit loops.
Here are a list of a few that I had the most fun sharing-
Toopid Moose– a fiction story that rattled in my head for a few days. It started with only those two words.
Q Without the A– My stepson and his unanswerable questions
You’re So Cool-Me…..and one of my not very cool moments
The King of Fashion Advice– My stepdaughter asking me for fashion tips for the first and quite possibly the last time….
The Triangle Buffoon-My first venture into instrument playing greatness
Audio Estrogen– My wife and her music
Soulhat-the origin of of the blog name
Ahh…memory lane. I revisited….I relaughed…I think I peed myself a little…
I have no fashion sense. I do not pretend that I do. My typical wardrobe consists of-
-t shirts
-jeans
-Converse All Stars high tops
Beyond color combinations of t shirts and shoes, I have about as much knowledge of fashion trends as a hobo.
Having admitted to that. I am a bit miffed that the 2 women in my life, my wife and stepdaughter, come to me with dilemmas of the dressing room kind……well at least 1 of them still does.
My lovely wife usually asks my opinion on her choices on what to wear for work or social events. I am honest and help where I can. She is happy with my assistance whether she uses the advice or not.
My stepdaughter does not appreciate my honesty.
She once came to me with her outfit choice for school. The items she chose were as follows:
-lavender skinny jeans
-black zebra striped top with multi neon color tye dye within the stripes
-a bright yellow belt with a peace sign buckle
-knee high green converse super high tops.
She asked what I thought, with a confident beaming smile.
I replied, “It looks like a bag of Skittles vomited on you”
She stomped out of the room, visibly repulsed by my honesty.
She wore it anyway.
I can still taste the rainbow.
I typed wardrobe malfunction into Google and pressed search. There is almost no limit to the information that resulted.
Almost being the key word.
2 items kept popping out at me….. Not those 2, well ok those did too but that’s not the point here. Although they were quite pointy…..FOCUS, please.
1- all were female “celebrities”
2- no blame was placed on the manufacturer of the malfunctioning wardrobe.
These people spend bookoo bucks to uphold their image and look and dress better than us normal folk. They hire their lawyers to bring the pain on companies who misuse their likeness on a whim, but when (by accident) their nipples pop out of their high priced wardrobes (oops) no one is too blame? It was even caught on camera!! Also, quite unfortunate that said celebrities were in such a hurry that they forgot to wear their “over the shoulder boulder holders”. Quite a travesty of justice. The manufacturers should count their blessings that these women are passive with their “mistakes” in wardrobe.
I had a wardrobe malfunction at a pool once. The string on by trunks broke. I didn’t notice until I jumped off the high dive n WHOOSH! Off they came. I was thinking about how graceful I looked and didn’t notice when I came out of the pool that I came out of my trunks.
I got my picture taken as well.
It was a mug shot that went along well with my indecent exposure charge.
Good2begone 