Paint It Black

I don’t do death well.

I can make up stories with it as a main topic, watch stuff on the dummy box that is engulfed in it, read the news every day where it is a mainstay of virility.

But in reality, it’s not that easy.

It is the end result of life.

Once the first cry out of the womb is bellowed, the clock to the end…..begins.

As expected as it is…….whenever it happens it is almost never expected.

When it does happen…and it is someone that at one time or another I ran around with, it becomes hard for me to deal with.

You know…..I’ve been clean and sober for quite a few years now.

The actual length of that time really doesn’t matter to me anymore. I don’t and haven’t been in AA or any other support group for a considerable length of time either.

I love being sober.

I just don’t feel I need to talk about it to be able to maintain it.

I just do.

I also hated seeing people coming in and out, in and out, in and out……until some just quit coming back in.

“Someone may have to die for me to say sober” I would hear in meetings.

Which I think is crap, by the way.

Anyway….

There’s this guy I used to sponsor when I was in AA.

Every time I saw him I would say,

“Dude….you’ve got tattoos….ON YOUR FACE!”

I would say that, because he did.

He would come over and have dinner with my family almost every night. We would talk about what was going on and my wife and I would give him suggestions.

Always to the point….never beating around the proverbial bush.

Before I sponsored him, he had like 12 other sponsors.

After me, probably many others.

Regardless of the state of his sobriety and my exit from AA, we remained friendly and in contact.

He would come around.

Then be gone.

And….repeat.

We got word yesterday that he got killed by getting run over by a car shortly after getting kicked out of a sober living house.

I hadn’t seen or spoke to him in a few months but he will be on my mind every day.

I drive a beat up truck that was green when it rolled of the factory floor decades ago.

When I got it, it had been completely spray painted black….with individual spray paint cans and recently repossessed by the owner for lack of payment. 

The guy who it was repossessed from was the same one who spray painted it.

And was the same guy I used to sponsor that had tattoos on his face.

I’m just kind of numb.

Emotions aren’t my thing either.

I just hope he is now at peace.

As for me…

I will keep on truckin’

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Remembering Dad

Twelve years ago my father passed away. I held his hand as his last breath left his body. His body was devastated by the Cancer which shortened his life. Although the disease diminished his muscular features and left him with nearly skin and bones, it never once chipped away at his love for his wife and 5 children.

He allowed us all to make mistakes. He let us fall. But was there to pick us up. He taught us manners, respect for all people regardless of race or gender. He wanted us to love our families and fight to stay in touch no matter how many miles were left in between.

12 years have gone by. Not 1 single day during that timespan has passed that I have not thought about him and the things I learned from him.

There were things I should have said before he passed on. Amends that should have been made. I should have been sober when I came to my Mom’s aid that night before he died. I was selfish in my grief and selfish in his passing. But I was there to say I love you before he was gone.

I can’t change those final hours that sometimes cross my mind. I can only do my best to do as he asked before he moved on.

I still miss you Dad.
I still love you.
Still.

Insert title here

I couldn’t even think of a title for this, I have no wordplay, metaphors, or witty jibberish today.

No humor

No lists

Nada

People die. There it is. That is all I can come up with.

Went to a funeral about 2 weeks ago, and another one 2 months before that.

Coming up this week, 2 funerals on 2 consecutive days.

People die, but life goes on.

I know that it is the end result of life. I know that their suffering is finally over. I will go and mourn their passing and also celebrate the life that they have lived with the people who knew them much better than I. Life will go on.

My eyes and heart just can’t take seeing my wife and step children cry anymore. And yet I will.

Keep your faith. Whatever it may lie in.

Enjoy your life and the ones that surround you to make you whole.

Live. Love. Laugh. Cry. Feel.