Crash & Turn

Daily prompt- turning points

I should of walked away
Instead I put the straw
In my nose

It twinkled my senses
And lifted me
Off my toes

I shouldn’t have said goodbye
After drinking
All night

Dad has been gone many years
For me no closure
Anywhere in sight

I should have stayed in college
And left with
Degree in hand

Instead I work a job
Not a career
As planned

Regrets of the past
I have made

All turning points
To who I have
Become today

Rehab, jail, and pain
We’re the results
Of my choices

I never listened to
Those important
Inner voices

Learn from them all
That is what
Is my goal

My life is now diamonds
But for a long while
It was coal.



Window Frame (Time Frame Part 3)

And I did the only thing that a man in my particular situation could do.

Part 3 begins…..

Without a second thought about consequences, I instinctively took the beer from his hand and began to drink.
The more I swallowed, the less I cared about the possibility of returning to the slammer.

Besides, I didn’t have to report to my probation officer for about a month. I had time to get loose and reacquaint myself with the real world. A few beers couldn’t possibly hurt. Either would a few hits off a joint.

My stresses began to melt away…..

Within a few hours, phone calls were made and the new “old crew” was back together to celebrate my out-carceration. They were all happy to see me and wanted to hear about all my adventures from behind bars. The more I told, the more they asked, the more they asked….the more I asked to fulfill my appetite for the illegal pleasures of the mind. They naturally obliged. My capers of breaking the law and getting caught relieved them of focusing on themselves.

The overindulgent loser had returned.

Within a couple of weeks I got a job as a bartender/server at a Italian place. It served 3 crucial purposes in my life.

1- The ability to make money
2- the ability to eat for virtually free
3-the ability to drink throughout the day.

I was good at what I did and was able to pay for a cheap apartment (with 2 party buddies) and support my lifestyle. All in all, I thought I was doing pretty well.

I had meeting with probation on the horizon and was barely able to stay clean OR sober.

I’m going to cut to the chase.

Over the following 3 months I had 6 meetings with my P.O. at her office.

-Peed into the cup 5 times……times the results were satisfactory-ZERO

I was also supposed to attend AA meetings. 90 in 90 days is what they wanted, with verification by way of a signature from a member of AA.

At the end of the 90 days, I attended 1 meeting. She was not pleased.

Things in my “favor”

-I never missed a meeting with her
-I payed my fees in full and on time
-I was available for any and all home and work visits….and there were many.

These pro and con factoids were presented to me, by her, at my 6th and final meeting with her.

She said, and I quote, ” What the fuck is wrong with you. You make no attempt to stay sober, but we can find you any time we want. It’s like an invitation to send you back. Is that what you want?”

I just shrugged my shoulders.

“I am attempting to get you into a rehab. Stay near a phone. If I can get you in, then you go. If you don’t show, I will put a Blue Warrant out on you and your freedom will be done for. Understood?”

For the record, a Blue Warrant is the equivalent of a “police blue light special”. It goes on, they come and get you at a great discount.

She reminded me that I was obviously too stupid to run and they would put me away.

The call came to me at work, less than 24 hours later. I was to report to rehab the following morning by 9am…or else…”Blue Light Time”

I did the only thing that a man in my particular situation could do…..

I called everyone I knew and said I needed a “I’m going to rehab send away bash”

Come one come all. Bring your illegal substances and gallons of booze for the losers send off!!”

I finished off my last drink at 4 am that morning and made it to rehab with approximately 3 minutes to spare.

I make it through intake and get to what would be my living quarters for the next 45 days.

I sit down on my bunk and stare out of the window (that is nailed shut), and think…..

This is either the start of a new beginning….or the end of the line.

One of the other “clients” shuffled into my room. With glazed over eyes, he stuck out his hand and said,

“I’m David and I’m a pill head. Welcome home.”

I shook his hand, and looked back out through the window frame into the world of what my never be again and thought,

“welcome home, indeed” and bowed my head and sighed.


Freeze Frame (Time Frame Part 2)

On the other side of the glass, my attorney opened up the folder that defined what my future was to be. He looked up at me, sighed, and pushed his glasses back up onto the bridge of his nose.

And then he began to speak.

Part 2 begins here.

” Well, I have gone back and forth with the prosecution on this. This is your first major arrest. They believe that you have ties to organized crime. I do not think you are smart enough…..or dumb enough to be on that path. I think you are a junkie and were fortunate enough to get caught.”

I interjected,”There was never anything organized about my crimes. A junkie I may be, but fortunate….that could be put up for debate.”

He retorted, “Can we just get through this? You are not the only rocket scientist I have the pleasure to visit today.”

” Touché ”

“The best I can do for you is 5 years adjudicated probation.”

“What does that mean?”

“Don’t get your pink, county issued boxers in a bunch. I’m getting to that.
You follow the rules I am about to lay out for you and technically your record will be clean.”

I didn’t feel like getting into a debate over the word technically. I let him give me the rules. The ones I remember we’re as such-

-No consumption of alcohol
-no consumption of illegal drugs
-no hanging out with known drug users
-no guns
-restitution fees to be paid back $8000
-375 hours of community service
-comply with drug testing and scheduled meetings with a probation officer 2 times a month
-comply with visits at place of occupation and home with a probation officer.

All to be done for a period of 5 years. Beginning with my release, which would be within a couple of hours after signing.

I heard all the rules. I had a problem with just one of them. It happened to be the first one.

-no alcohol.

I stopped him from continuing his extremely eloquent speech.

” What is this about no alcohol? Neither of my charges were alcohol related. That’s kind of crappy to cut me off from something that I am LEGALLY able go do. What kind of racket are y’all running here?”

“It is a standard part of the conditions of probation. If you want to get out…and STAY out. You will comply. All you need to do is sign at the bottom. You will be out shortly after.”

He pushed the papers through the slot at the bottom of the window along with a pen.

A cheap pen, by the way. I would figure if I am signing a legally binding contract for my “freedom” I would get to use a Mont Blanc. But, nooooo, I get to sign with a chewed on Bic.

I put the pen to the contract. Paused, and stopped. I froze to reflect on what this really meant and what chance I had of completing these rules.

-I have been a daily abuser of cocaine for over 8 years.

-the only people I hang out with are drunks, drug users, drug dealers, pill poppers, after hours junkies….you know real high society types.

-and the topper…..I have been a daily, have to have a drink to function, leave me alone, I want to die without it, drunk for upwards of 20 years.

What chance did I realistically have of making it 5 years without it? If I didn’t make it, my probation would be revoked and I would be sent to prison to fulfill my requirements as a felony inmate. 2 charges. Each carrying a sentence of 2-20 years.

Bah….I could do it. 5 years isn’t that long. Just think of the fiesta that will be thrown after I jump through their hoops for 1825 days. It will be epic.

I confidently placed my name in the dotted line, and pushed them back through the slot. Looked him in he eye and said, “Thanks, when do I get out.”

He shook his head and replied, “In a couple of hours.” and walked away.

I returned to the cell. In under 2 hours my name was called. I got the few trivial things I had and got up and said c-ya to my cellies. I won’t be seeing them again….I got this.

Freedom awaits.

After release, I stepped into the Texas sunshine and smiled. I had a do over and I planned to make the best of it. I was tired of being a drunk junkie loser.

Follow the rules
Follow the rules
Follow the rules

I literally had no place to go. I had only been in this city for about 8 months. Four of those were just spent behind bars….you do the math.

It was live the life of the homeless or go back to my friend’s apartment until I got back on my feet.

I walked about 6 miles through downtown and under overpasses to reach my destination.

I knocked on the door.

His roommate answered.
“Hey! They let you out??”

“Yes, they did. Can I crash here.”

“Hell yeah, man. Come in and have a seat.”

I sat down. It began to set in that I was out. I heard no metal on metal cell doors shut. No bed checks. No cell chatter, no fear…..just peace. I exhaled deeply and closed my eyes.

I was awoken from my serenity by the sound of a bottle being opened.

Phssst….. I heard the air escape the pressurized container.

“Here bud, you could probably use this,”

He held out a freshly opened, ice cold, perspiration dripping down the side, frosty bottle of what happened to be my favorite brew.

My heart picked up its pace. My mouth started to water. I opened my eyes. I Looked up at the object in his hand.

And did the only thing that a man in my particular situation could have done.


Time Frame

The fate of my future was in the hands of the man on the other side of the 3 inch thick tempered glass. He held the answer to the one question that consumed all my time over the last 4 months.

Was I going to prison or not?

The man was my court appointed attorney. He had been assigned to me after my arrest. He had visited me one other time to get the details of my incarceration and to parade me in front of the Judge.

He was the one in the suit. I was the one in the oversized white jumpsuit that said inmate on the back.

My reason for being in that particular situation is simple. I was guilty of breaking a few laws.

I was drunk and high and was in a place I should not have been and was subsequently stealing from them.


I got caught.

Make no mistake. I was guilty. I knew it.

I was placed under arrest and charged with 2 felonies.

-drug possession over 4 grams but under 200 grams

– theft of property over $200 but under $20,000.

Both carry a sentence of 2-20 years in prison.

I was completely whacked out of my mind during this time. My actions landed me in the psyche ward of the county jail.

Apparently, trying to convince the officers that I was invisible and if they wanted to put me in that cell they would have to kill me first, was not a good idea.

That little stunt earned me 24 hour isolation for 30 days and a steady flow of Thorazine.

The jail psychiatrist called it a drug induced psychosis. To me it was just another day.

The next 3 months I spent in “general population”. It was here that I learned a few things.

-the crazy guy is easy pickings for fights

-commissary is gold

-thorazine is platinum

-chess pieces and dominos can be carved out of soap

-gambling debts will always be paid. Or else.

– I was the only guilty person in there.

After over 100 days, I was ready to face my fate.

I was escorted up to the glass. I took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

On the other side of the glass, my attorney opened up the folder that defined what my future was to be. He looked up at me, sighed, and pushed his glasses back up onto the bridge of his nose.

And then began to speak.


Press play

Should I stay or should I go?

Press Play

You’ll never know till you try.

Press play

All in or check?

Press play

New car or used car?

Press play

Call in sick or go to work?

Press play

Speak your mind or keep it to yourself?

Press play

Come clean or continue to believe the lie?

Press play

We are all given the power of choice and the ability to make decisions. Not making decisions and living in conflict is no life at all.

We cannot change the past.


We cannot go to the future.

Fast forward

We can stand still and wait for the choice to be made for us.


We can not do anything.



We can stop squandering our time worrying, contemplating, debating within ourselves, living on what if’s and maybes.


Press play