changes

The WalkAwAy


When the pain of something becomes greater than the fear of that something, action must be taken.

A change needs to be made.

I had been in this predicament for a while.

I waited…or better yet “expected” the pain to stop.

It did not.

The fear of the after effects of my pending decision weighed heavily on my mind as well-

Can I do it?
Will I do it?
What will people say?
How will I maintain?

Roughly, about a month ago, the pain became greater than the fear.

I made a life change that no one expected or saw coming.

Not my wife
Not my AA sponsor
Not my sponsee
Not my bosses

I stopped attending AA.

The pain of continuing to go became greater than the fear of leaving it behind.

My bosses believe that it’s a social experiment.

It’s not.

The sponsor I had believes that I am making a grave decision.

I’m not.

My sponsee asked if he needed to get another sponsor the night before I put action to my decision. He knew I I had been “off” for a while.

I said yes because I knew I was done.

My wife backs my decision but has her own fears that go along with it.

And I get that.

I can’t keep doing something that I have lost a desire to do.

What keeps going through my head is-

AA is not for people that need it…it is for people that want it.

I just don’t want it anymore.

My focus, since then, has been on 2 things-

Family
Work

Those are the things I want.

And coincidentally, those are the 2 things I need.

I have learned volumes from the people in the rooms of AA, the Big Book of AA, and the fellowship that holds it together.

That knowledge has not vanished or been banished from my memory.

I am not “anti AA” now….not will I ever be. It is the program that did for me what I would never have done on my own.

I have made the decision to continue my journey in sobriety and life without it.

That is all.

It was better for me to walk away,
Then it wAs to stAy.

I’m still sober.

It’s still good2begone.

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Meeting The Fiction In Person


For the last couple of weeks, I have been creating posts about a guy named “The Frantic Man”.

Post 1

Post 2

Post 3

Post 4

He is a fictional character based on my personal experiences and thoughts about the steps and principles of AA from early on in sobriety.

The stories are real…I just made up the character to make it more interesting for reading…..and to be able to write about me without saying it was me.

I am my favorite subject.

I love me some me.

I could talk about me ALL day!

But who wants to sounds egotistical? Not me.

While attending the Men’s conference this weekend I was taken aback by an individual I met.

He is the human equivalent of the fictional character of “the Frantic Man”. He doesnt have a stutter but his quiet and shy demeanor along with the way he draws out his speech gave me chills.

I was speaking with the character I created in my mind.

It shouldn’t have been a surprise to me that our issues with coming into sobriety and dealing with life beyond the bottle were strikingly similar.

Our thoughts and experiences were mirror images. Our fears with honesty with others were carbon copies.

Our uniqueness made change hard.

By the end of the conference, we had exchanged numbers, and I have spoken with him on the phone twice.

Out of respect for fiction becoming reality I will no longer post about “the Frantic Man”.

I am hoping he will create his own story and bring it to life.

_________________

If you want to know what I felt like, in a general way, when meeting my character…..then watch this short clip.

 

Agility Redefined


Agility- the gracefulness of a person or animal that is quick and nimble.

I will allow your mind to envision your own picture of agility before I continue….

Cue Final Jeopardy music

I will assume that as the music was playing visions of ballerinas, Barry Sanders, or any member of a gymnastics squad came to mind.

Yeah…well none of that applies to me.
Me dancing is like like the painting of dogs playing poker…..it doesn’t make any sense yet you can’t look away. There was and will only ever be one Barry Sanders. Being in gymnastics involves tights. Tights and agility…..no thanks.

During my extensive career as a drunk, I considered myself to be quite agile. I considered it an art form to have never picked up a drinking related offense from the police. Not without lack of trying, mind you.

It’s not easy to stand on one leg with your arms outstretched, head tilted back and being asked to touch your nose alternately with each index finger…..with traffic blazing by, red and blue lights blaring, cops waiting for me to fall, all the while wondering if those last 4 Jäger shots were really necessary at last call.

Agility comes in many forms.

After I went through that last scenario I was requested to regurgitate the alphabet….backwards. Luckily agility of the intoxicated tongue was one of my minors during one of my many failed attempts a being a collegiate warrior.

This is not about my former somehow keeping my loser forever drunk ass out of jail time self. That was just the Backstory to who I was. I’m sober now. And a lot LESS agile.

In the almost 6 years since I quit the sauce, I have endured more broken bones, stitches and hospital stays than in my previous 37 years of existence.

-collapsed lung. I was told, by the Dr. who treated me, that because I am male, have red hair and smoke cigarettes that I was prone to this happening…………………seriously?

-Failure to avoid a 60 ft. falling tree. I was clobbered by a tree. 23 staples in my head, broken hand, concussion. I hear I am lucky to be alive. I have a new found phobia of wooded/barked objects (fallatreeaphobia).

-fell off a 10 foot ladder. Trimming tree branches. Blacked out before or during the fall. Unconscious for appox. 27 minutes. Broken OTHER hand, concussion, broken cheap knockoff sunglasses, “Ray Dans”. EMT’s figured I was ok when I knew who the president was and what day of the week it was.

-I walk into inanimate objects more often than I don’t. Various scrapes and scars. I am currently being sponsored by Band Aid on the “Can’t Seem To Walk Straight” world tour. I’m the Headliner.

The redefinition of agility that seems to apply to me is- the gracefulness to watch where I’m walking with whatever happens to be around me without bloodshed.