The Language Lesson


The newest member of our work crew is a Hispanic guy. He speaks English and Spanish, has a great work ethic and is an all around good guy.

At least, I think so.

I mean, he is a lot like me.

I was once the newest member of our crew. I speak about as much a Spanish as he speaks English, I exude the same work habits…

AND

I’m an all around good guy.

At least I think so…

Those poignant thoughts do not eminate from at least one of my other coworkers.

Namely…the trailer park boys.

I’ve posted about them before, so I won’t rehash old white trash, I will instead add to their legend of misinformation.

The one I refer to is  “Bubbles”.

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He came up to me this week and started a conversation with me about why he doesn’t like….the new guy.

“Why do you try to talk like ‘ol Juan Pablo over there?” He began.

I replied.

“You know his name is not Juan Pablo…”

He retorted.

“I could call him anything with an ‘o’ at the end of it and he would answer. That’s the basis of there language….that they stole from us. Just add a vowel add a crazy accent to your voice and call it a word.”

I looked at him with a concerned look and answered.

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“What the hell are you talking about. I grew up in a border town and pretty much grew up around the language of Spanish. It’s very easy to sound like an idiot if you don’t understand it. I’m pretty sure if you told him that you would sound like a complete idiota.”

He smiled and said,

“See.  You just proved my point. Idiot….idiota. I could give you more examples if you want me too.”

I shook my head and said,

“Please…enlighten me.”

He cleared his throat and confidently stated,

“Take the word ‘man’ in english….add an ‘o’ it becomes ‘mano’.

Here’s another….’talk’…..add an “o’. ..what do you get?….TACO.

How about one more?….”

I quickly stopped him by putting my hand in his face and replied, in my best Spanglish, before I walked away,

“Bubbles….just stop and taco to the hand. You…are a racist…..o.”

Doctor Oh Hell No


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That’s me…..trying my hardest to do the impossible…..fit in.

I used to think I did, but alas, I dont.

One seemingly inocuous event led to the revelation that being on the outs is my destiny.

Looking back….it was in the works for quite some time.

Over the last few years I have become a bit of an anti social prick.

Here is a short list that aptly describes my anti socialness.

It is an excerpt from our family wireless bill that reflect the amount of social activity that surges through our smartphones. On a month to month basis a typical bill reflects this-

Wife-

Text messages852
Minutes used875

Daughter-

Text messages2331
Minutes used1162

Me-

Text messages177
Minutes used60

Staggering isn’t it.

I’m willing to bet that every one of my texts and phone minutes are used to contact my wife and my Mom, who lives in Another state.

In my defense, I rarely take my phone anywhere with me….besides work.

The reason?

Someone might contact me and I would have to reply……DUH.

To further knock my square peg into the round hole, let me also state that I do not insta-tweet-zuckerberg-snap.

Which is short for social media.

Is WordPress considered social media?

If it is, then I guess I’m not a total “troll living under the bridge yelling at the goats that try to get to the greener side“.

Even then, the last time I posted was July, 22 of last year.

Which leads me to the inocuous event that led to my revelation that I don’t fit in.

It was about a week before my last post.

Which happened to be my birthday.

I did what I always do…..

I went to the hospital at around 3:37 a.m. and walked up to the reception desk to announce my arrival.

I was greeted with a smirk and a,

“We know who you are and why you’re here. Just wait over there. The doctor will be with you shortly.”

“Sweet.” I replied and took a seat.

When my name was called I went back to the waiting room and was greeted by a doctor that I hadn’t met before.

She looked at me and said,

“Well, Mr. Good2begone, what seems to be the problem?”

I said,

“No problem. I’m here because it’s my birthday. I celebrate it the same every year.”

She sat down, placed her handy clipboard across her lap, and looked at me with a ‘oh no  here it comes’ kind of look and waited for me to complete my request.

“Birthdays are nothing more than a celebration of continued breathing for another consecutive 365 days. To confirm that I am in fact still breathing, I would like to get naked and have you hold me upside down by my feet and swat me on the ass until I cry. Therefore confirming that I am still breathing and as alive as the day I came into this life.”

I got this-

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Before I could finish disrobing, which I had begun before I finished my last statement, she was calling security and having me escorted out of the facility.

I don’t see what the big deal was. It was my birthday. So what if I’m 46.

Why couldn’t I do what I wanted….everybody else does what they want on theirs.

………………..

Anyhoo, since then I have been on the outs.

I’m still good2begone and the writing will go on.

Brothers(Up)In Arms


“Every time I go out drinking with them, we end up running over a pregnant woman…”

This is one of the gems I get to hear on a daily basis from the guys I work with.

They really are the class act of the human species.

I have been trying to put my finger on who they remind me of….it has always been right there on the tip of my tongue, but just can’t seem to get it.

And then it hit me like a bad Lynyrd Skynard cover band.

They are the real life version of…..

The Trailer Park Boys.

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Now….before I get can’t backlash by anyone for referring to me being offensive and rude for comparing people I work with offensive and rude characters on TV….

Let me explain.

1-they each live in a trailer. I know this because I have had to pick them up when the only vehicle out of the seven that is not on cinder blocks in their front yards won’t start.

2- 2 of them are brothers who happen to live at the same trailer from time to time when one buys weed instead of paying his electric and water bill.

3- the 3rd of the boys is Bubbles. Who happens to be the brother in law of one the other TP Boys. I know that because I get to hear the one brag to his brother in law about banging his sister every day. He even offers to show him pictures.

Like I said…..Classy.

The one I call Bubbles is the one who made the opening statement of this post.

I’m still undecided I whether I should be in shock or in awe.

Seriously….EVERY TIME you go out drinking with them a pregnant woman gets run over? Is the same one that just had made really bad choices in leaving the park?…..or Is it a different one EVERY TIME?

I used to think I had some great drinking stories…. but I can’t compete with that….

How I got sent to jail and these ass clowns are still running around like free birds freaking amazes me…..

Ok….so I know why I got sent to jail….but I promise I didn’t run over a pregnant woman.

Did I tell you that every day they actually stop working in order to listen to the song-

“Simple Man”?

Uggh.

What is that about? Is it the National Trailer Park anthem?

Just gimme 2 step toward the door….

The Deep End


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Sometimes, the best thing about work comes down to 3 things-

1- location
2- location
3- location

If you ain’t doin’ what makes you happy, maybe it’s time to dive into something new.

Chicken Coup


Clucking news from the good2begone underwire-

A Kentucky woman who allegedly tried to strangle another woman with a bra was thwarted when the victim fought back with a ceramic chicken.

Police in Lexington arrested Ashley Sies, 31, early Monday morning after she allegedly pushed her way into a home belonging to Patricia Leece, 61.

“It happened about 12:30 the other night. Someone came to my doors, banging, screaming and hollering,” Leece told WKYT.

At first, Leece thought her granddaughter was the one banging on the door. Instead, it was Sies, who pushed her way inside of Leece’s home and wrapped a bra around the homeowner’s neck.

Sies and Leece struggled for about 15 to 20 minutes before the victim found a way to protect herself, Leece says.

“Finally, I saw one of my (ceramic) chickens on the floor so I picked it up and started bashing her on the head with it,” she said, according to UPI.com.

Sies was knocked out by the chicken. Leece locked herself in the bathroom and called police, Kentucky.com reports.

Officers then took Sies to the hospital before booking her on charges of first-degree burglary, WKYT reports. Leece told the station she also plans to press charges for the attack.

Sies was in court Tuesday morning where she pleaded not guilty to the burglary charge, according to Kentucky.com.

Colonel Sanders was not available for comment at newstime.

We are still waiting for word on whether or not the apparent burglar was under the impression that the homeowner was in fact about to go public with the infamous secret that Victoria has been hiding.

As far as places with crime worth talking about…..Kentucky remains undefeated.

That’s the news, that does in fact, taste like chicken.

I’m good2begone…..

And your not.

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—————–

Actual story from David Moye at the Huffington Post.

It’s true….no matter how much I wish I made it up.

Gilligan’s Planet


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Bad ideas happen everyday.

Most of the time the person or persons who have the idea believe that it is actually the greatest idea of all time…..until they put it into action.

Months of planning, high fives, chants of “you can do it” and “this is a virtually foolproof idea” culminate in that faithful day where the inevitable happens.

It turns out to be a…..

Bad idea.

Age will tell if you get this reference or not-

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The famed Snake Canyon rocket bike jump by Evil Kneivel.

Se that arrow pointing to the bottom…..that’s where he ended up…..live….on TV.

That entire event from obvious drunken bet with friends to getting pulled out of the canyon was a bad idea.

Now….

The world greatest daredevil association, known more commonly as NASA, has an idea that they plan to put into action in around 10 years or so.

And…

They already have 100 volunteers that are getting the high fives and hearing what a great idea it is and are willing to participate in going on a one way trip to Mars.

There will be no return flight because there is no Chevron on Mars…..

Or anything else for that matter.

At least, that’s what I get from the video sent from the lego toy robot we supposedly have there already.

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I don’t know how they picked this special group of 100, but I would think that seeing how our planet is made up of such a large cross-section of people that each section would have to be represented.

I did a few Google searches on our planet….first was “How many countries are in the world”-

U.N. Members: 193
U.N. Observer States: 2 
States With Partial Recognition: 2  
Inhabited Dependent Territories: 45
Uninhabited Territories: 6
Antarctica: 1
Total: 249

This where my first red flag went up. There are more countries than people being sent.

Which ones will start the political uprising for being left out?

Next Google question, “How many languages are used in the world?”

While many believe the number of languages in the world is about 6,500, according to Ethnologue, there are 7,106 living languages as of 2014. Although this number might be the latest count, there is no one clear answer as to the exact number of languages that still exist. There has always been the question as to how many languages are there in the world. One might think that linguists will have a definite idea on the exact number, but as it turns out, there are many different reasons why determining a full count of world languages is quite difficult. It cannot simply be attributed to the fact that there are still parts of the world that have not yet been fully explored, such as the Amazon forest areas and the highlands of New Guinea.

RED FLAG #2!!!

Unless a few of the 100 are fluent in a more than 2 languages then we are not representing everyone.

RED FLAG #3

Whoa! Hold on just a second….there are still parts of Earth that are not fully explored? Shouldn’t we finish screwing up every part of our world BEFORE we start venturing off to one that has been just fine without us?

Question #3, “How many religions are there in the world?”

 A comparative survey of churches and religions – AD 30 to2200, there are 19 major world religions which are subdivided into a total of 270 large religious groups, and many smaller ones.

RED FLAG NUMERO QUATRO!!

The people of Earth love their gods. Can we really afford to leave any out. What if the one that isn’t represented is the one that knows Mars the best?

So many red flags……

No wonder we are going to the red planet.

Obviously, there was a more scientific way to figure out the 100.

I just had to think in terms of castaways…..

planetary castaways.

They will have to have someone to get them there. It will take 7-9 months to travel 140,000,000 miles.

They need a guide. A navigator. A map knowing person-

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There really can’t be a colonization of a new planet without someone who knows a lot of stuff. You know….scientific stuff…a brilliant mind sort of stuff-

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You gotta have chicks. Chicks have style and grace. Every planet needs style and grace-

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Not just chicks….but country chicks as well. Style and grace only gets you so far. You gotta have a country chick that takes no crap and can show the rest of the planet how to agriculturally prosper-

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This whole venture ain’t goin nowheres without the rich folk. After all, it’s going to take a lot of money to complete this one way trip. A few of them are going to have to go along-

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The rest of the hundred are more or less supporting cast members that will do what the rest tell them and just be happy to get away…..forever.

Except for the one guy that goes on the trip that no one accounts for. He may screw things up, make every one mad and is a constant thorn in the side of progress but he is everyone’s little buddy.

Mars…..meet your leader-

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Regardless of how the 100 are picked, this is a bad idea.

I can’t even go the Walmart with my family without having an outburst.

And,

There are no rest stops between here and Mars. I hope they remember to pack the febreze.

Java Talk


All I wanted was a jolt of ground bean goodness…..what I got was jousted by corporate campaign to barista my way into an open conversation about topical events.

“Welcome to Starbucks…how may I help you.”

She asked with way too much enthusiasm.

“Ummm….yeah…let me get a café Americana….black….with soy milk on the side…and a brownie.”

She repeated back my order and asked my name.

I smiled and replied-

“Bingo Medley.”

Her sharpie marker stopped just short of the Styrofoam cup. She looked up at me through the piercing in her eyebrow and said-

“Bingo….what?”

“Bingo….Bingo Medley…..its my porn name……” I replied with a smile.

She wrote it on the cup and said it would be ready shortly.

While I waited, I wandered around, and checked out the items on display shelf and pondered….

“I wonder…..would Chai Tea be proper to drink before…..or after a session of Thai Chi…..Or would the Chai Tea upset the balance of Thai Chi….hmmm….I better Google that later….”

As I began to drift into heated, inside my head, battle over the Thai Chi Chia Tea dilemma, my order was called out.

By my order and not my name.

Oh well.

As I picked up my coffee, milk and snack I happened to look at the cup to see if she even wrote my suggested moniker on the cup.

What was written there was not Bingo Medley….as I plainly stated when asked what my name was.

It said “Race Together”.

I looked up at the guy with beard way cooler than I could ever grow and asked-

“My drink says race together….did someone else order the same thing I did? I would hate to take something that wasn’t mine…..but I will take the opportunity to commend this person on their awesome menu selection.”

“No sir….its our new promotion to invite our customers to have an open, healthy conversation about race..” he said.

“What….are yall trying to raise money for the Starbucks 5k, nothing says healthy like running a race and then downing overpriced coffee.”

He paused for a moment and then replied-

“Our coffee is made with triple filtered water and we are not talking about that kind of race…”

I quickly interrupted,

“Oh well….rat race then? I’m not much for rats…..they have beady eyes and like cheese way too much.”

He inhaled and exhaled frustratingly and then replied-

“Sir…..sir….not the rat race….not a running race….we would like to have a conversation about race relations….you know racism and such….”

“……….” I began.

“Oh, I get it. It must be because of my order. Americana coffee….black….soy milk….brownie… I must be open to speak about it since I confidently ordered using all colors of the racial rainbow.”

“No sir….it was just random.” He sheepishly answered.

“Well…let me clear a few things up….I ordered the Americana because it’s the closest thing to actual coffee you all carry. Soy milk, because regular milk gives me the wind something fierce, and the brownie because I have a sweet tooth…..as far as your request on race relations….here is my take.”

“I would love to get into a back in forth discussion on this issue…..but the truth is…..personally….I have no issues with…..anyone. I was brought up to respect others….period. I’m a solitary kind of guy…..but when I have to interact with others…I do…..no matter what their ethnicity is.”

We stared at each other for a moment.

I then took a drink of my coffee, which was getting cold, returned my eyes to the barista and said,

“Look dude…tackling this issue is going to be taller than this Venti coffee here. It was around before I was born and will most likely be around long after I’m gone. I prefer to take the individual approach. Hopefully someone learns from it and it snowballs from there. I gotta go…my work ain’t gonna do itself. Thanks for the coffee.”

I leave him to ponder my words and head for the door.

A man entering saw I had my hands full and stepped aside while holding the door open for me so I could exit.

I turned to him and said “Thank you sir. I appreciate that.”

He smiled, nodded his head and headed into the coffee shop.

I turned around for a quick glance to check what race he was.

Yup, just as I thought….the human race.

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The Retinazation Principle


My new Eyewear experiment has been implemented over the last 4 days. I have no line bifocals. I really wanted standard prison issue frames…..

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The reason?

I don’t want to look smart and intellectual…I want to look tough and intimidating.

What better way to make people think you are tough and intimidating when you are actually passive and skinny than to wear frames issued by the correctional system.

Corrective Eyewear from the people who correct people for a living.

Well….I WAS framed…but not by the penal system.

I blame my wife.

Here are my eyes…newly framed.

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They are fashionable in a double wide sort of way…..

The downside of bifocals is-now I have actually look people directly on the eyes when I talk to them.

I’m normally a sideways glance, look over my glasses kind of talker.

I used to see clearly that way.

Now I dont.

Now…I not only have to look people in the eyes….

But I have to be interested in what they are saying as well.

Clearly that’s an issue.

Why?

Because I have terrible hearing as well.

Next…the contact experiment.

Here is what the eye doctor told me about the contacts.

The one in my dominant eye is for farther distances.

The one for my other is for shorter distances.

My powers of deduction tell me that when I cross my eyes I should see perfectly.

I tried to start reading a book with my contacts in. 

In order for the words to not have a blurry halo around them I have come up with 4 choices.

1-

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Great……a constant look of surprise….or fear…I will let you decide.

2-

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Even better…..a patch-less pirate. Arrr matey.

3- Change out the contacts and wear my glasses for reading purposes.

And lastly,

4-Audiobooks.

For which I would have to listen in mono bucause my hearing is nowhere near compatible with stereo sound.

When I use headphones I only need one side.

Unfortunately, they don’t sell headphone.

Unless I want to look like a telemarketer…..which I dont.

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They never look tough and intimidating….just whiney and annoying.