Gilligan’s Planet


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Bad ideas happen everyday.

Most of the time the person or persons who have the idea believe that it is actually the greatest idea of all time…..until they put it into action.

Months of planning, high fives, chants of “you can do it” and “this is a virtually foolproof idea” culminate in that faithful day where the inevitable happens.

It turns out to be a…..

Bad idea.

Age will tell if you get this reference or not-

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The famed Snake Canyon rocket bike jump by Evil Kneivel.

Se that arrow pointing to the bottom…..that’s where he ended up…..live….on TV.

That entire event from obvious drunken bet with friends to getting pulled out of the canyon was a bad idea.

Now….

The world greatest daredevil association, known more commonly as NASA, has an idea that they plan to put into action in around 10 years or so.

And…

They already have 100 volunteers that are getting the high fives and hearing what a great idea it is and are willing to participate in going on a one way trip to Mars.

There will be no return flight because there is no Chevron on Mars…..

Or anything else for that matter.

At least, that’s what I get from the video sent from the lego toy robot we supposedly have there already.

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I don’t know how they picked this special group of 100, but I would think that seeing how our planet is made up of such a large cross-section of people that each section would have to be represented.

I did a few Google searches on our planet….first was “How many countries are in the world”-

U.N. Members: 193
U.N. Observer States: 2 
States With Partial Recognition: 2  
Inhabited Dependent Territories: 45
Uninhabited Territories: 6
Antarctica: 1
Total: 249

This where my first red flag went up. There are more countries than people being sent.

Which ones will start the political uprising for being left out?

Next Google question, “How many languages are used in the world?”

While many believe the number of languages in the world is about 6,500, according to Ethnologue, there are 7,106 living languages as of 2014. Although this number might be the latest count, there is no one clear answer as to the exact number of languages that still exist. There has always been the question as to how many languages are there in the world. One might think that linguists will have a definite idea on the exact number, but as it turns out, there are many different reasons why determining a full count of world languages is quite difficult. It cannot simply be attributed to the fact that there are still parts of the world that have not yet been fully explored, such as the Amazon forest areas and the highlands of New Guinea.

RED FLAG #2!!!

Unless a few of the 100 are fluent in a more than 2 languages then we are not representing everyone.

RED FLAG #3

Whoa! Hold on just a second….there are still parts of Earth that are not fully explored? Shouldn’t we finish screwing up every part of our world BEFORE we start venturing off to one that has been just fine without us?

Question #3, “How many religions are there in the world?”

 A comparative survey of churches and religions – AD 30 to2200, there are 19 major world religions which are subdivided into a total of 270 large religious groups, and many smaller ones.

RED FLAG NUMERO QUATRO!!

The people of Earth love their gods. Can we really afford to leave any out. What if the one that isn’t represented is the one that knows Mars the best?

So many red flags……

No wonder we are going to the red planet.

Obviously, there was a more scientific way to figure out the 100.

I just had to think in terms of castaways…..

planetary castaways.

They will have to have someone to get them there. It will take 7-9 months to travel 140,000,000 miles.

They need a guide. A navigator. A map knowing person-

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There really can’t be a colonization of a new planet without someone who knows a lot of stuff. You know….scientific stuff…a brilliant mind sort of stuff-

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You gotta have chicks. Chicks have style and grace. Every planet needs style and grace-

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Not just chicks….but country chicks as well. Style and grace only gets you so far. You gotta have a country chick that takes no crap and can show the rest of the planet how to agriculturally prosper-

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This whole venture ain’t goin nowheres without the rich folk. After all, it’s going to take a lot of money to complete this one way trip. A few of them are going to have to go along-

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The rest of the hundred are more or less supporting cast members that will do what the rest tell them and just be happy to get away…..forever.

Except for the one guy that goes on the trip that no one accounts for. He may screw things up, make every one mad and is a constant thorn in the side of progress but he is everyone’s little buddy.

Mars…..meet your leader-

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Regardless of how the 100 are picked, this is a bad idea.

I can’t even go the Walmart with my family without having an outburst.

And,

There are no rest stops between here and Mars. I hope they remember to pack the febreze.

Java Talk


All I wanted was a jolt of ground bean goodness…..what I got was jousted by corporate campaign to barista my way into an open conversation about topical events.

“Welcome to Starbucks…how may I help you.”

She asked with way too much enthusiasm.

“Ummm….yeah…let me get a café Americana….black….with soy milk on the side…and a brownie.”

She repeated back my order and asked my name.

I smiled and replied-

“Bingo Medley.”

Her sharpie marker stopped just short of the Styrofoam cup. She looked up at me through the piercing in her eyebrow and said-

“Bingo….what?”

“Bingo….Bingo Medley…..its my porn name……” I replied with a smile.

She wrote it on the cup and said it would be ready shortly.

While I waited, I wandered around, and checked out the items on display shelf and pondered….

“I wonder…..would Chai Tea be proper to drink before…..or after a session of Thai Chi…..Or would the Chai Tea upset the balance of Thai Chi….hmmm….I better Google that later….”

As I began to drift into heated, inside my head, battle over the Thai Chi Chia Tea dilemma, my order was called out.

By my order and not my name.

Oh well.

As I picked up my coffee, milk and snack I happened to look at the cup to see if she even wrote my suggested moniker on the cup.

What was written there was not Bingo Medley….as I plainly stated when asked what my name was.

It said “Race Together”.

I looked up at the guy with beard way cooler than I could ever grow and asked-

“My drink says race together….did someone else order the same thing I did? I would hate to take something that wasn’t mine…..but I will take the opportunity to commend this person on their awesome menu selection.”

“No sir….its our new promotion to invite our customers to have an open, healthy conversation about race..” he said.

“What….are yall trying to raise money for the Starbucks 5k, nothing says healthy like running a race and then downing overpriced coffee.”

He paused for a moment and then replied-

“Our coffee is made with triple filtered water and we are not talking about that kind of race…”

I quickly interrupted,

“Oh well….rat race then? I’m not much for rats…..they have beady eyes and like cheese way too much.”

He inhaled and exhaled frustratingly and then replied-

“Sir…..sir….not the rat race….not a running race….we would like to have a conversation about race relations….you know racism and such….”

“……….” I began.

“Oh, I get it. It must be because of my order. Americana coffee….black….soy milk….brownie… I must be open to speak about it since I confidently ordered using all colors of the racial rainbow.”

“No sir….it was just random.” He sheepishly answered.

“Well…let me clear a few things up….I ordered the Americana because it’s the closest thing to actual coffee you all carry. Soy milk, because regular milk gives me the wind something fierce, and the brownie because I have a sweet tooth…..as far as your request on race relations….here is my take.”

“I would love to get into a back in forth discussion on this issue…..but the truth is…..personally….I have no issues with…..anyone. I was brought up to respect others….period. I’m a solitary kind of guy…..but when I have to interact with others…I do…..no matter what their ethnicity is.”

We stared at each other for a moment.

I then took a drink of my coffee, which was getting cold, returned my eyes to the barista and said,

“Look dude…tackling this issue is going to be taller than this Venti coffee here. It was around before I was born and will most likely be around long after I’m gone. I prefer to take the individual approach. Hopefully someone learns from it and it snowballs from there. I gotta go…my work ain’t gonna do itself. Thanks for the coffee.”

I leave him to ponder my words and head for the door.

A man entering saw I had my hands full and stepped aside while holding the door open for me so I could exit.

I turned to him and said “Thank you sir. I appreciate that.”

He smiled, nodded his head and headed into the coffee shop.

I turned around for a quick glance to check what race he was.

Yup, just as I thought….the human race.

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The Cabinet Makeover


For some D.I.Y. stands for “Does Involve Yelling” and not it’s intended moniker of “Do It Yourself”.

But,

When you think about it, any project taken on usually involves raised voices of some kind.

I’m sure we have all had some sort of disaster that has occurred when trying to complete a task for the first time.

Pinterest can’t  make artists out of all of us…..

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And who doesn’t want to create origami sculptures sure to impress….

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Origami….na zo good.

My wife and I take on some DIY projects from now and then.

It’s something we enjoy and we can do it together.

We just recently finished refurbishing a wardrobe cabinet.

We magically turned it into a kitchen storage cabinet.

We paid $37.50 for the cabinet at an antique shop here in the sticks.

I don’t know about anyone else thinks but basically an antique shop is a yard sale encased between 4 walls.

It comes down to buying what someone else wants to get rid of.

I’m cool with that.

It was pretty rickety……the cabinet….not me.

But, we had grand ideas for it.

Initially we hit up the Home Depot and bought shelving, stain, clear coat and nails…..

“Home Depot – you can do it….now pay for your crap and get out.”

And had already spent more than we paid for it.

That upset me…Cuz I’m a cheapskate.

We took the cabinet shelving back… its an old cabinet…..why put new shelves?

I went to work the next day, where I am remodeling a house. I took off the siding from the house a few weeks ago.
The siding was put up in the ’70’s.

It’s old.

But it’s solid wood and was in tremendous shape.

Old cabinet…..old shelves…

And bingo was his name….OH

I lined the inside of the cabinet with the siding to strengthen it up. Put 2 upper shelves and one shelf that opens like a trunk door, in order to store our larger cookware stuff and things.

What once was old and neglected is now functional and brings new life to our kitchen.

Here is the start to finish collage of our creation.

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All that done for under $70.

And the only yelling involved occurred when I smacked myself in the head when the door snuck open while I was staining underneath it.

Maybe, it should stand for-

Don’t Injure Yourself….

Contact High


I have been alive for enough decades to make a bold statement about decay.

Over the last few denominations of time, marked in series of tens, my eyesight has seriously been veering toward out of focus Avenue…..which is one block past the intersection of read the bottom line of letters on the chart again street and do even know the alphabet lane.

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I used to be able to read the “are you tall enough to ride this ride sign” from the flea circus that was attached to my dog, Mr. Bungledorf, from across the room…

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Now….

I take my best shot at hoping to put a flea collar on the dog instead of the vacuum cleaner.

It would be easy to say that it just happens with age.

Not for me…

I blame global warming.

The stupid polar ice caps are melting and sending colder air down towards normally warm Texas….

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And it had been happening for decades.

This colder air has been getting into my eyes…..freezing my optic nerve sensory pupilated cornea globes and therefore causing my eyesight to worsen.

I have had to change my vision sensors…otherwise known as glasses, 3 times over the last 6 years.

Now I have to wear bifocals….

FREAKING BIFOCALS

Get me Al Gore on the phone.

Anyway,

My new coke bottle prescription will be in….in a week or so.

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I’m getting contacts, too.

But, not until Thursday because I have to be shown how to put them in and clean them.

There sending me to Contact High for the lesson.

How hard could it be?

Just grab some tweezers to prop the lids open and apart……put the contact upside down on my finger and shove it in.

Done.

Class…..I don’t need no stinking class.

I just need to see so I can stop peeing in the closet in the middle of the night.

I used to not have to get up to pee in the middle of the night….

But that global warming……..

The Faults In The Plan


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‘Til death do us part is not a wedding day challenge to see who will do away the other.

That does not stop my wife from asking me if I am planning to kill her.

I mean that in the sense that she asked me that very question.

I laughed.

And that only fueled her speculation.

So I had to ask….

Why?

She says it’s because I have become withdrawn and reclusive and spend too much time watching…”those shows” on the Netflix.

Withdrawn?…….

Reclusive?…….

Ok…..I can see that without killing any time arguing but “those shows”?

COME ON!

It’s just TV.

I really haven’t watched any TV shows in the last 5-6 years but once I became a mysterious recluse I had to have something to do, so I have been indulging.

I started with “The Blacklist”. A guy on the FBI most wanted turns himself in and wants to help them catch other most wanted dudes but will only talk to a rookie FBI chick if they agree. It’s fast and dramatic. Twists and turns ….blah blah blah. What is really great is the most wanted guy kills without discretion or emotion. He is quite the role model.

(That’s not helping my cause much)

Next….”The Killing”. All I can say about this series is after I was done with the 4 seasons is I needed a shower….badly.

Not because I watched it from start to finish without stopping but because every character made me feel gross about liking the show so much. Lying, shadyness, back stabbing, and the unthinkable killings…..just great stuff!

I just started watching “Dexter”. Police forensics guy who moonlights as a serial killer.

Like I said…..its just TV.

Anyway, I’m not planning on killing her.

And here are my reasons why…..

1- Any time a wife is murdered who is the first suspect?

The husband.

That would be me.

I get grilled when I don’t match the socks right and fold like a cheap suit when I try to deny involvement.

Lesson learned here….I am a terrible liar.

2- To get out of being a suspect an alibi is needed.

If you have read this far, then you will recall that I am a recluse…..a social misfit…more alone than a ribeye at a vegan festival.

I am either with my wife, alone or at work….where I work…..ALONE.

The only ones who could verify my whereabouts would be my dogs….and for a beef basted biscuit they would say anything….BUT THEY CAN’T TALK!

Lesson learned here…..don’t expect any meat n greet at vegan gatherings. That would be barking up the wrong tree.

and lastly…

3- We have been married over 6 years. I’ve never been with anyone who thought I was planning to kill them. It kinda warms my heart.

I’d like that warming to continue-

Til death do us part.

Shifting Shapes


If you are new here…I am Good2begone…..recently unemployed and in the process of remodeling a bathroom for my in laws…..where make no mistake…the mother in law is the boss.

The bathroom in question has not been in use since Clinton was in office.

For those of you not old enough to remember the Clinton years, he was the one who said-

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman….”

Complete with fist in motion, thumb pointed upward.

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That was neither here nor there. Just a point of reference for time reference purposes.

Anyone who waits over 20 years to complete a task has to be opinionated. 

My in laws were at odds at how they wanted the bathroom to look. My mother in law got her way by waiting 20 years for the win.

We went to the Home Depot to pick out the tile for the job. She decided on the pattern for the tile based on the way a single tile was displayed. 

“I want it like that.” She said as she pointed at the tile.

“You want a diamond pattern in your bathroom based on 1 tile? How about we look up some tile jobs on the Internet to be sure…” I calmly replied.

“Nope…that’s what I want.”

Ugggh.

I started tiling on Monday.

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The trick with the diamond pattern is to start with a full tile in the middle of the largest wall. Once a tile has to be cut at the end of the wall, the remaining piece is used to start the next wall.

And so on….

And so on…

This is what I ended up with.

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Next was the floor. She wanted a diamond pathway from the entryway to the shower with a square pattern on either side.

To make a straight pathway, triangles had to be made by cutting the diamond tiles in half.

Surround the path way with squares and whala. 

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“What about the walls? ” I asked

You guessed it.

Diamonds,  triangles and squares….oh my.

I finished that yesterday and grouted it all today.

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What’s the verdict?

I have been crowned their favorite son in law……

I would normally be beaming about that kind of praise except for one thing…

I am their only son in law.

The Bone, Dog Years And The Shake


My in laws decided to throw me a bone during my time of all day pajamas and not showering also know as unemployed during the holidays.

“We have a bathroom that needs to be remodeled and we would like you to do it.” They said.

“Well…..what are you going to use as a bathroom in the meantime? I mean….we  let you use ours…..but we don’t wear clothes when we are at home….” I candidly replied.

“You are ridiculous and we have 2 bathrooms……we just haven’t used the other one in over 20 years…..”

Before I replied….I had to let that sink in…20 years….

20 years…

20 YEARS!!!!

Then I replied-

“You know that’s like 140 in dog years.”

She shook her head and gave me her best mean Mom stare and said,

“We don’t even have a dog…”

I rebutted-

“Not if he’s been locked in that bathroom for that millennium of doggie years you don’t….I’ll do it, let’s go take a look.”

I didnt come prepared to take a before picture.

Luckily, after entering the room there was a camera sitting on the vanity counter.

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With film in it,  I might add.

Nothing like a one step camera.  Just point, shoot, take out the picture it pumps out and then shake it to make it develop faster…..and bam instant photo.

Without any more hesitation, here is the photo of a bathroom that hasn’t been used in over 20 years.

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Stupid polaroid one step camera.

Once I get back to the future I’ll add pics.

The Awesomeness Of Awkwardness


The monetary outlook for this holiday season remains on the bleak side. In order to compensate I have taken on doing family photos in our community.

The problem with that is…..

PEOPLE AIN’T RIGHT!

I should have known better than to carry on my wayward son when this was my first client-

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Then came the Reese family where honesty is always the best policy-

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I’m not one to complain but it got a little weird when I was asked to create an homage to “puss n boots”-

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My next client wanted a natural photo for their session, I decided to incorporate nature….since you know…nothing says Christmas like a coconut bra and big leaves-

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My frustration started to boil over from the lunatic fringe when this one family wanted the usual picture with Santa…..I said, “Flip that frown, not flip the bird!”

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My last session….for obvious reasons, didn’t go as well as they wanted but it’s not my fault….the little brat heard Santa wasn’t real…..I felt it was my job to show her he was…..At least until 2000 that is-

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So….I can scratch family photography from my list of job options….

Maybe I should try wedding planner next…

Disclaimer – not my photos. Blame the people who actually posted them on the Internet not the guy who is making (more) fun of them.

The Bob, Tim and Marty Project


She uttered the words that every husband fears hearing-

“Honey, I need you to do something for me while I am at work.”

I replied with the words that every wife knows was a lie-

” I can’t. I’m going to be neck deep in stuff today.”

Naturally, the battle of wills continued,  where I was destined to lose.

“By neck deep in stuff,  I am sure you mean stuck on the sofa wrapped up in a blanket, listening to your horrid choices of what you call music. I know you aren’t working until all the drama is worked out….so don’t give me that crap about being too busy. The Christmas party at the group is Saturday and I am in charge of making the centerpieces for the tables. I’m working….you…are not, therefore, I delegate the responsibility to you.”

I look at her with my best I’m gonna tear onto you look.

Then don’t….because I am scared of her and she’s right.

But,

to prove to myself that I still have a backbone I reply anyway.

“For your information,  my choices in music are reserved for those with refined palettes of sound…that of which you and your kind do not possess. As far as centerpieces go…I am more of a Bob Vila, than a Marty Stewart.” I said as a pulled up the blanket.

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“It’s Martha Stewart…and with your hospital bills, I would say you are more Tim Taylor than anything

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…..I need 8 centerpieces. Go buy the stuff and make them.” She replied as she handed me cash.

“UGGH! You know I hate spending money, I’m cheap…what do I know about centerpieces?” I asked as I took the cash.

“I know you’re cheap….why do you think I am having you do it? The plus is…you are creative. All you need to know is that it is a casual Christmas party…Santa, snowmen…you know holiday theme.  You will do great. Thanks, honey you are the best!”

She kisses me and leaves for work.

Before the car drives away, I yell out to her-

“HAVE YOU GORGOTTEN THAT I HATE CHRISTMAS?”

I see her smile her wifey smile and drive on.

So…..

I’ve got cash and an objective.

The best place for a cheap bastard like me to go for holiday supplies is obviously Big Lots and Dollar stores.

I need to dress for the occasion.

Flannel shirt, pajama pants,  black socks,  sandals.

Yep…..that should do it. I mean…..I want to look like I belong there….I hate to stand out.

After 2 hours of painstaking aisle scavenging and idea formulation, I return home with the goods and create my first centerpiece-

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After approval from the boss, I create 7 more-

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Marty Stewart can suck it.

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Oops, I mean Martha….

The Breakdown of Pi


I have created my own mathematical equation-

G2BG + Pi = Z

Here are the visuals that make up the equation.

one full chocolate pecan pie-

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Turns into one empty pie pan-

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Because Good2begone says “It aint good if it aint gone.”

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Math…..

It’s not just for the classroom.