Doctor Oh Hell No


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That’s me…..trying my hardest to do the impossible…..fit in.

I used to think I did, but alas, I dont.

One seemingly inocuous event led to the revelation that being on the outs is my destiny.

Looking back….it was in the works for quite some time.

Over the last few years I have become a bit of an anti social prick.

Here is a short list that aptly describes my anti socialness.

It is an excerpt from our family wireless bill that reflect the amount of social activity that surges through our smartphones. On a month to month basis a typical bill reflects this-

Wife-

Text messages852
Minutes used875

Daughter-

Text messages2331
Minutes used1162

Me-

Text messages177
Minutes used60

Staggering isn’t it.

I’m willing to bet that every one of my texts and phone minutes are used to contact my wife and my Mom, who lives in Another state.

In my defense, I rarely take my phone anywhere with me….besides work.

The reason?

Someone might contact me and I would have to reply……DUH.

To further knock my square peg into the round hole, let me also state that I do not insta-tweet-zuckerberg-snap.

Which is short for social media.

Is WordPress considered social media?

If it is, then I guess I’m not a total “troll living under the bridge yelling at the goats that try to get to the greener side“.

Even then, the last time I posted was July, 22 of last year.

Which leads me to the inocuous event that led to my revelation that I don’t fit in.

It was about a week before my last post.

Which happened to be my birthday.

I did what I always do…..

I went to the hospital at around 3:37 a.m. and walked up to the reception desk to announce my arrival.

I was greeted with a smirk and a,

“We know who you are and why you’re here. Just wait over there. The doctor will be with you shortly.”

“Sweet.” I replied and took a seat.

When my name was called I went back to the waiting room and was greeted by a doctor that I hadn’t met before.

She looked at me and said,

“Well, Mr. Good2begone, what seems to be the problem?”

I said,

“No problem. I’m here because it’s my birthday. I celebrate it the same every year.”

She sat down, placed her handy clipboard across her lap, and looked at me with a ‘oh no¬† here it comes’ kind of look and waited for me to complete my request.

“Birthdays are nothing more than a celebration of continued breathing for another consecutive 365 days. To confirm that I am in fact still breathing, I would like to get naked and have you hold me upside down by my feet and swat me on the ass until I cry. Therefore confirming that I am still breathing and as alive as the day I came into this life.”

I got this-

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Before I could finish disrobing, which I had begun before I finished my last statement, she was calling security and having me escorted out of the facility.

I don’t see what the big deal was. It was my birthday. So what if I’m 46.

Why couldn’t I do what I wanted….everybody else does what they want on theirs.

………………..

Anyhoo, since then I have been on the outs.

I’m still good2begone and the writing will go on.

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