Out Of Shape
Being a stepfather means being willing to help the kids with homework……
There are other important aspects of the commitment, but, in order to be involved in their lives, I have to do things that I wasn’t willing to do when I was their age.
I may been released from the wonder years known as high school almost 30 years ago, but I think have a few brain cells left that weren’t destroyed by keg stands and the everlasting bong hit.
I haven’t touched the sauce or the wacky weed in over 8 years….but I’m sure the inside of my skull is still caked with resin.
Anyway, back to the topic-
My stepdaughter needed help with with algebra….or geometry… or whatever subject that has shapes, letters and numbers….
And she came to me for help.
Me….the homework king.
“I need help with some math. I left my book at school and I need definitions for these shapes.” She politely asked.
I quickly looked at the odd looking multisided objects on the page, flipped a few pages to see what sort of trouble I was getting into and said,
“Hmm..why don’t you Google the definitions….”
She looked up at me and said,
“The storm has knocked the Internet out.”
“CRAP!!!” I yelled from inside my head.
“Ok, I will give it my best shot.” I replied aloud with no confidence whatsoever.
“The first one is polygon.”
“Hello!! Do you know or not?”
“A polygon is something that leaves multiple times.”
“WHAT? That doesn’t even have anything to do with any of the shapes.”
“Sure it does….the more times it leaves, the worse shape it’s in each time it comes back….” I reply with a even less confident smile.
Without writing down my brilliant answer she hits me with another one.
“That’s ridiculous….what about an octagon?”
I crack the tension out of my neck and answer,
“2 men enter…..one man leaves….”
“Uggh..let’s try another one….What is a tetrahedron?”
“That’s an easy one…A tetrahedron is a male robot that is a master at Tetris. He’s like the Darth Vader of shapes. He stacks them up and knocks them down….”
She frustratingly interrupted me during my epic rant.
“You know absolutely nothing about any of this…..do you?”
I stare back at her and reply,
“Look, I took 1/2 a semester of geometric shapes in college. I know what I’m talkin’ about, Willis. If you don’t want want my help then I will be unigon.”
She looked at me with what had to be the classic teenage “WTF” look that’s all the rage, as I confidently walked away.
I had to get in one last definition before I left the room-
“UNIGON – I MADE MY POINT…AND I’M GONE….ONE TIME!”
It’s good to be da king.