Bad ideas happen everyday.
Most of the time the person or persons who have the idea believe that it is actually the greatest idea of all time…..until they put it into action.
Months of planning, high fives, chants of “you can do it” and “this is a virtually foolproof idea” culminate in that faithful day where the inevitable happens.
It turns out to be a…..
Age will tell if you get this reference or not-
The famed Snake Canyon rocket bike jump by Evil Kneivel.
Se that arrow pointing to the bottom…..that’s where he ended up…..live….on TV.
That entire event from obvious drunken bet with friends to getting pulled out of the canyon was a bad idea.
The world greatest daredevil association, known more commonly as NASA, has an idea that they plan to put into action in around 10 years or so.
They already have 100 volunteers that are getting the high fives and hearing what a great idea it is and are willing to participate in going on a one way trip to Mars.
There will be no return flight because there is no Chevron on Mars…..
Or anything else for that matter.
At least, that’s what I get from the video sent from the lego toy robot we supposedly have there already.
I don’t know how they picked this special group of 100, but I would think that seeing how our planet is made up of such a large cross-section of people that each section would have to be represented.
I did a few Google searches on our planet….first was “How many countries are in the world”-
U.N. Members: 193
U.N. Observer States: 2
States With Partial Recognition: 2
Inhabited Dependent Territories: 45
Uninhabited Territories: 6
This where my first red flag went up. There are more countries than people being sent.
Which ones will start the political uprising for being left out?
Next Google question, “How many languages are used in the world?”
While many believe the number of languages in the world is about 6,500, according to Ethnologue, there are 7,106 living languages as of 2014. Although this number might be the latest count, there is no one clear answer as to the exact number of languages that still exist. There has always been the question as to how many languages are there in the world. One might think that linguists will have a definite idea on the exact number, but as it turns out, there are many different reasons why determining a full count of world languages is quite difficult. It cannot simply be attributed to the fact that there are still parts of the world that have not yet been fully explored, such as the Amazon forest areas and the highlands of New Guinea.
RED FLAG #2!!!
Unless a few of the 100 are fluent in a more than 2 languages then we are not representing everyone.
RED FLAG #3
Whoa! Hold on just a second….there are still parts of Earth that are not fully explored? Shouldn’t we finish screwing up every part of our world BEFORE we start venturing off to one that has been just fine without us?
Question #3, “How many religions are there in the world?”
A comparative survey of churches and religions – AD 30 to2200, there are 19 major world religions which are subdivided into a total of 270 large religious groups, and many smaller ones.
RED FLAG NUMERO QUATRO!!
The people of Earth love their gods. Can we really afford to leave any out. What if the one that isn’t represented is the one that knows Mars the best?
So many red flags……
No wonder we are going to the red planet.
Obviously, there was a more scientific way to figure out the 100.
I just had to think in terms of castaways…..
They will have to have someone to get them there. It will take 7-9 months to travel 140,000,000 miles.
They need a guide. A navigator. A map knowing person-
There really can’t be a colonization of a new planet without someone who knows a lot of stuff. You know….scientific stuff…a brilliant mind sort of stuff-
You gotta have chicks. Chicks have style and grace. Every planet needs style and grace-
Not just chicks….but country chicks as well. Style and grace only gets you so far. You gotta have a country chick that takes no crap and can show the rest of the planet how to agriculturally prosper-
This whole venture ain’t goin nowheres without the rich folk. After all, it’s going to take a lot of money to complete this one way trip. A few of them are going to have to go along-
The rest of the hundred are more or less supporting cast members that will do what the rest tell them and just be happy to get away…..forever.
Except for the one guy that goes on the trip that no one accounts for. He may screw things up, make every one mad and is a constant thorn in the side of progress but he is everyone’s little buddy.
Mars…..meet your leader-
Regardless of how the 100 are picked, this is a bad idea.
I can’t even go the Walmart with my family without having an outburst.
There are no rest stops between here and Mars. I hope they remember to pack the febreze.
Being a stepfather means being willing to help the kids with homework……
There are other important aspects of the commitment, but, in order to be involved in their lives, I have to do things that I wasn’t willing to do when I was their age.
I may been released from the wonder years known as high school almost 30 years ago, but I think have a few brain cells left that weren’t destroyed by keg stands and the everlasting bong hit.
I haven’t touched the sauce or the wacky weed in over 8 years….but I’m sure the inside of my skull is still caked with resin.
Anyway, back to the topic-
My stepdaughter needed help with with algebra….or geometry… or whatever subject that has shapes, letters and numbers….
And she came to me for help.
Me….the homework king.
“I need help with some math. I left my book at school and I need definitions for these shapes.” She politely asked.
I quickly looked at the odd looking multisided objects on the page, flipped a few pages to see what sort of trouble I was getting into and said,
“Hmm..why don’t you Google the definitions….”
She looked up at me and said,
“The storm has knocked the Internet out.”
“CRAP!!!” I yelled from inside my head.
“Ok, I will give it my best shot.” I replied aloud with no confidence whatsoever.
“The first one is polygon.”
“Hello!! Do you know or not?”
“A polygon is something that leaves multiple times.”
“WHAT? That doesn’t even have anything to do with any of the shapes.”
“Sure it does….the more times it leaves, the worse shape it’s in each time it comes back….” I reply with a even less confident smile.
Without writing down my brilliant answer she hits me with another one.
“That’s ridiculous….what about an octagon?”
I crack the tension out of my neck and answer,
“2 men enter…..one man leaves….”
“Uggh..let’s try another one….What is a tetrahedron?”
“That’s an easy one…A tetrahedron is a male robot that is a master at Tetris. He’s like the Darth Vader of shapes. He stacks them up and knocks them down….”
She frustratingly interrupted me during my epic rant.
“You know absolutely nothing about any of this…..do you?”
I stare back at her and reply,
“Look, I took 1/2 a semester of geometric shapes in college. I know what I’m talkin’ about, Willis. If you don’t want want my help then I will be unigon.”
She looked at me with what had to be the classic teenage “WTF” look that’s all the rage, as I confidently walked away.
I had to get in one last definition before I left the room-
“UNIGON – I MADE MY POINT…AND I’M GONE….ONE TIME!”
It’s good to be da king.
All I wanted was a jolt of ground bean goodness…..what I got was jousted by corporate campaign to barista my way into an open conversation about topical events.
“Welcome to Starbucks…how may I help you.”
She asked with way too much enthusiasm.
“Ummm….yeah…let me get a café Americana….black….with soy milk on the side…and a brownie.”
She repeated back my order and asked my name.
I smiled and replied-
Her sharpie marker stopped just short of the Styrofoam cup. She looked up at me through the piercing in her eyebrow and said-
“Bingo….Bingo Medley…..its my porn name……” I replied with a smile.
She wrote it on the cup and said it would be ready shortly.
While I waited, I wandered around, and checked out the items on display shelf and pondered….
“I wonder…..would Chai Tea be proper to drink before…..or after a session of Thai Chi…..Or would the Chai Tea upset the balance of Thai Chi….hmmm….I better Google that later….”
As I began to drift into heated, inside my head, battle over the Thai Chi Chia Tea dilemma, my order was called out.
By my order and not my name.
As I picked up my coffee, milk and snack I happened to look at the cup to see if she even wrote my suggested moniker on the cup.
What was written there was not Bingo Medley….as I plainly stated when asked what my name was.
It said “Race Together”.
I looked up at the guy with beard way cooler than I could ever grow and asked-
“My drink says race together….did someone else order the same thing I did? I would hate to take something that wasn’t mine…..but I will take the opportunity to commend this person on their awesome menu selection.”
“No sir….its our new promotion to invite our customers to have an open, healthy conversation about race..” he said.
“What….are yall trying to raise money for the Starbucks 5k, nothing says healthy like running a race and then downing overpriced coffee.”
He paused for a moment and then replied-
“Our coffee is made with triple filtered water and we are not talking about that kind of race…”
I quickly interrupted,
“Oh well….rat race then? I’m not much for rats…..they have beady eyes and like cheese way too much.”
He inhaled and exhaled frustratingly and then replied-
“Sir…..sir….not the rat race….not a running race….we would like to have a conversation about race relations….you know racism and such….”
“……….” I began.
“Oh, I get it. It must be because of my order. Americana coffee….black….soy milk….brownie… I must be open to speak about it since I confidently ordered using all colors of the racial rainbow.”
“No sir….it was just random.” He sheepishly answered.
“Well…let me clear a few things up….I ordered the Americana because it’s the closest thing to actual coffee you all carry. Soy milk, because regular milk gives me the wind something fierce, and the brownie because I have a sweet tooth…..as far as your request on race relations….here is my take.”
“I would love to get into a back in forth discussion on this issue…..but the truth is…..personally….I have no issues with…..anyone. I was brought up to respect others….period. I’m a solitary kind of guy…..but when I have to interact with others…I do…..no matter what their ethnicity is.”
We stared at each other for a moment.
I then took a drink of my coffee, which was getting cold, returned my eyes to the barista and said,
“Look dude…tackling this issue is going to be taller than this Venti coffee here. It was around before I was born and will most likely be around long after I’m gone. I prefer to take the individual approach. Hopefully someone learns from it and it snowballs from there. I gotta go…my work ain’t gonna do itself. Thanks for the coffee.”
I leave him to ponder my words and head for the door.
A man entering saw I had my hands full and stepped aside while holding the door open for me so I could exit.
I turned to him and said “Thank you sir. I appreciate that.”
He smiled, nodded his head and headed into the coffee shop.
I turned around for a quick glance to check what race he was.
Yup, just as I thought….the human race.
My wife’s older sister’s daughter’s daughter is staying with us for a while….she is 2 years old.
Not my wife…
Or her older sister…
Or her older sister’s daughter….
The last daughter of the first equation is 2 years old.
I guess in family relations to me, it makes her my grand….neice….in law?
I have successfully avoided diaper duty for over 48 hours.
Which works out good for me.
Mainly because, no matter what she is fed….it comes back out smelling like pork rinds basted in dijon mustard.
It’s quite disturbing.
Other than that she’s quite cute and entertaining.
Here she is….sporting my shades.
She likes to bring me things….
She has brought me a book called “Learning A Different Language Book” about 987 times.
I keep telling her-
“Usted necesita aprender antes elglish español”
And then I put the book back.
She looks at me for a few seconds and then heads right back over and picks out the same book and gives it to me.
I then say to her-
“Vous devez apprendre avant elglish français”
Same drill….same response.
I’m running out of languages before she runs out of energy.
She also likes to have animated stuff running in the TV…..whether she is watching it or not.
Things I have learned from this exercise in insanity-
“Sunset Shimmer will never wear the princess crown from Equestria because Twilight Sparkle knows that the power of friendship will keep the band together.”
If anyone can decipher what that means, please fill me in.
My new Eyewear experiment has been implemented over the last 4 days. I have no line bifocals. I really wanted standard prison issue frames…..
I don’t want to look smart and intellectual…I want to look tough and intimidating.
What better way to make people think you are tough and intimidating when you are actually passive and skinny than to wear frames issued by the correctional system.
Corrective Eyewear from the people who correct people for a living.
Well….I WAS framed…but not by the penal system.
I blame my wife.
Here are my eyes…newly framed.
They are fashionable in a double wide sort of way…..
The downside of bifocals is-now I have actually look people directly on the eyes when I talk to them.
I’m normally a sideways glance, look over my glasses kind of talker.
I used to see clearly that way.
Now I dont.
Now…I not only have to look people in the eyes….
But I have to be interested in what they are saying as well.
Clearly that’s an issue.
Because I have terrible hearing as well.
Next…the contact experiment.
Here is what the eye doctor told me about the contacts.
The one in my dominant eye is for farther distances.
The one for my other is for shorter distances.
My powers of deduction tell me that when I cross my eyes I should see perfectly.
I tried to start reading a book with my contacts in.
In order for the words to not have a blurry halo around them I have come up with 4 choices.
Great……a constant look of surprise….or fear…I will let you decide.
Even better…..a patch-less pirate. Arrr matey.
3- Change out the contacts and wear my glasses for reading purposes.
For which I would have to listen in mono bucause my hearing is nowhere near compatible with stereo sound.
When I use headphones I only need one side.
Unfortunately, they don’t sell headphone.
Unless I want to look like a telemarketer…..which I dont.
They never look tough and intimidating….just whiney and annoying.