Peace Face

Everyone is searching for something.

Without having a definite grasp on what, in fact, the search is for….it could take an eternity to reach that desired destination that will reward you with the peace that the search promises.

Luckily for us,  searching for something is easier than ever.

We have search engines that will cut that search time to seconds.

Someone……somewhere…..was engaged in that search for personal peace.

And that someone was brought to my blog.

What was the term that was used that finalized their journey to the promise land of good2begone, you ask?

The quest for mindfulness and being at one with the universe begins and ends when you are good with being gone.

Peace be with you.

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Shifting Shapes

If you are new here…I am Good2begone…..recently unemployed and in the process of remodeling a bathroom for my in laws…..where make no mistake…the mother in law is the boss.

The bathroom in question has not been in use since Clinton was in office.

For those of you not old enough to remember the Clinton years, he was the one who said-

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman….”

Complete with fist in motion, thumb pointed upward.

That was neither here nor there. Just a point of reference for time reference purposes.

Anyone who waits over 20 years to complete a task has to be opinionated. 

My in laws were at odds at how they wanted the bathroom to look. My mother in law got her way by waiting 20 years for the win.

We went to the Home Depot to pick out the tile for the job. She decided on the pattern for the tile based on the way a single tile was displayed. 

“I want it like that.” She said as she pointed at the tile.

“You want a diamond pattern in your bathroom based on 1 tile? How about we look up some tile jobs on the Internet to be sure…” I calmly replied.

“Nope…that’s what I want.”

Ugggh.

I started tiling on Monday.

The trick with the diamond pattern is to start with a full tile in the middle of the largest wall. Once a tile has to be cut at the end of the wall, the remaining piece is used to start the next wall.

And so on….

And so on…

This is what I ended up with.

Next was the floor. She wanted a diamond pathway from the entryway to the shower with a square pattern on either side.

To make a straight pathway, triangles had to be made by cutting the diamond tiles in half.

Surround the path way with squares and whala. 

“What about the walls? ” I asked

You guessed it.

Diamonds,  triangles and squares….oh my.

I finished that yesterday and grouted it all today.

What’s the verdict?

I have been crowned their favorite son in law……

I would normally be beaming about that kind of praise except for one thing…

I am their only son in law.

The Bone, Dog Years And The Shake

My in laws decided to throw me a bone during my time of all day pajamas and not showering also know as unemployed during the holidays.

“We have a bathroom that needs to be remodeled and we would like you to do it.” They said.

“Well…..what are you going to use as a bathroom in the meantime? I mean….we  let you use ours…..but we don’t wear clothes when we are at home….” I candidly replied.

“You are ridiculous and we have 2 bathrooms……we just haven’t used the other one in over 20 years…..”

Before I replied….I had to let that sink in…20 years….

20 years…

20 YEARS!!!!

Then I replied-

“You know that’s like 140 in dog years.”

She shook her head and gave me her best mean Mom stare and said,

“We don’t even have a dog…”

I rebutted-

“Not if he’s been locked in that bathroom for that millennium of doggie years you don’t….I’ll do it, let’s go take a look.”

I didnt come prepared to take a before picture.

Luckily, after entering the room there was a camera sitting on the vanity counter.

With film in it,  I might add.

Nothing like a one step camera.  Just point, shoot, take out the picture it pumps out and then shake it to make it develop faster…..and bam instant photo.

Without any more hesitation, here is the photo of a bathroom that hasn’t been used in over 20 years.

Stupid polaroid one step camera.

Once I get back to the future I’ll add pics.

The Awesomeness Of Awkwardness

The monetary outlook for this holiday season remains on the bleak side. In order to compensate I have taken on doing family photos in our community.

The problem with that is…..

PEOPLE AIN’T RIGHT!

I should have known better than to carry on my wayward son when this was my first client-

Then came the Reese family where honesty is always the best policy-

I’m not one to complain but it got a little weird when I was asked to create an homage to “puss n boots”-

My next client wanted a natural photo for their session, I decided to incorporate nature….since you know…nothing says Christmas like a coconut bra and big leaves-

My frustration started to boil over from the lunatic fringe when this one family wanted the usual picture with Santa…..I said, “Flip that frown, not flip the bird!”

My last session….for obvious reasons, didn’t go as well as they wanted but it’s not my fault….the little brat heard Santa wasn’t real…..I felt it was my job to show her he was…..At least until 2000 that is-

So….I can scratch family photography from my list of job options….

Maybe I should try wedding planner next…

Disclaimer – not my photos. Blame the people who actually posted them on the Internet not the guy who is making (more) fun of them.

The Unemployed And The Ornaments

I have joined the ranks of the unemployed!

YAY FOR ME!

And so close to Christmas….

I hear it is better to give than receive.

I was given the boot.

The gift that keeps on giving.

In the short time I have been without trabajo, I saw in the news that the Royal couple was visiting the states, and I thought to myself…

“Self….if they can come here and spread joy…why can’t you go there and spread some joy?”

Hmmm…

So I packed up my own royal couple and headed across the pond to help promote a great cause.

Hit the link to watch the promo-

Ornamental Showcase

‘Tis the season of giving….

Give til it hurts.

The Bob, Tim and Marty Project

She uttered the words that every husband fears hearing-

“Honey, I need you to do something for me while I am at work.”

I replied with the words that every wife knows was a lie-

” I can’t. I’m going to be neck deep in stuff today.”

Naturally, the battle of wills continued,  where I was destined to lose.

“By neck deep in stuff,  I am sure you mean stuck on the sofa wrapped up in a blanket, listening to your horrid choices of what you call music. I know you aren’t working until all the drama is worked out….so don’t give me that crap about being too busy. The Christmas party at the group is Saturday and I am in charge of making the centerpieces for the tables. I’m working….you…are not, therefore, I delegate the responsibility to you.”

I look at her with my best I’m gonna tear onto you look.

Then don’t….because I am scared of her and she’s right.

But,

to prove to myself that I still have a backbone I reply anyway.

“For your information,  my choices in music are reserved for those with refined palettes of sound…that of which you and your kind do not possess. As far as centerpieces go…I am more of a Bob Vila, than a Marty Stewart.” I said as a pulled up the blanket.

“It’s Martha Stewart…and with your hospital bills, I would say you are more Tim Taylor than anything

…..I need 8 centerpieces. Go buy the stuff and make them.” She replied as she handed me cash.

“UGGH! You know I hate spending money, I’m cheap…what do I know about centerpieces?” I asked as I took the cash.

“I know you’re cheap….why do you think I am having you do it? The plus is…you are creative. All you need to know is that it is a casual Christmas party…Santa, snowmen…you know holiday theme.  You will do great. Thanks, honey you are the best!”

She kisses me and leaves for work.

Before the car drives away, I yell out to her-

“HAVE YOU GORGOTTEN THAT I HATE CHRISTMAS?”

I see her smile her wifey smile and drive on.

So…..

I’ve got cash and an objective.

The best place for a cheap bastard like me to go for holiday supplies is obviously Big Lots and Dollar stores.

I need to dress for the occasion.

Flannel shirt, pajama pants,  black socks,  sandals.

Yep…..that should do it. I mean…..I want to look like I belong there….I hate to stand out.

After 2 hours of painstaking aisle scavenging and idea formulation, I return home with the goods and create my first centerpiece-

After approval from the boss, I create 7 more-

Marty Stewart can suck it.

Oops, I mean Martha….