The Splat Stick
There’s a fly on the wall.
I am currently tracking his movements.
It zig zags across my vision.
A brief landing on the oak table catches my attention…..
Is the creature….MOCKING me?
He seems to be staring at me with his multiple eyes and rubbing his front legs together, like a mad scientist would do when he completes the formula that will brainwash the world.
“I see your mock, annoying tiny beast….and I raise my weapon that will stop your plan before it comes to fruition!”
I say, as I return his mindless gaze with a sinister look and raise up a twisted wire sword equipped with a plastic mesh flimsy spatula that I have dubbed my splat stick.
“Hey wait….where did it go?”
I slowly walk around the kitchen, darting my eyes from ceiling to countertop and back up to ceiling in 3 second intervals.
He will cross my vision….I must be prepared.
I hear a vehicle come to a short stop outside. I look through the gap in the blinds to see the mailman leaving today’s trash in the box. I think about retrieving it, but realize that is EXACTLY what the fly wants me to do.
“Nice try Mr. Fly……nice try. I will not be tricked into letting your reinforcements into our little game of cat and mouse…err…I mean fly and human. It will just me and you….Mano e Mano..”
As I finish my statement, a familiar buzz zips by my right ear and back to the wall where the game began 7 hours ago.
“Ahh…the pattern resets…my calculations were correct!”
I walk out into the family room and grab my manila folders which contain all the the information I have gathered through Internet math sites, flight patterns of insects, and the personal data I created using my own formulas and place them on the table in a pattern only I can recognize.
4th tile from the end of cabinet that holds the microwave…..
If all our data is correct….then his minutes are numbered.
I pretend to ignore it and have my weapon at the ready and keyed on the 4th tile.
The tile takes on a glow resembling a helicopter landing pad at a hospital.
And I wait….
I watch as a slow glide comes into my vision. The fly drops directly onto the fourth tile and in complete amazement to me….has his back to me.
The sinister smile returns to my face as I raise my splat stick and swing it over my head with the force of a wrecking ball onto the fourth tile.
“I told you that you were no match for me and my splat stick…..BWAHAahaa….aa…”
I stop and look around frantically.
There on the trash can…is that….another one?
I look at my splat stick with the remnants of my last kill still fresh in the mesh, then, glance at the hours and hours of paperwork and calculations it took to battle and conquer the wits of one small creature and say to no one in particular-
“This is ridiculous, I need a different hobby….”