The Bottom Line

by good2begone


I’m not a gimme stuff kind of guy. By that I mean….I don’t like stuff.

When a holiday rolls around, like today for instance, I dread having to be given stuff.

To counter my families need to show appreciation by buying me gifts, I try to make it as difficult as possible when they ask me what I want for said holiday.

“The kids and I want to know what you want for Father’s Day….”

“Technically….I am their stepfather and I have been checking calendars for years and have never seen a loophole that involves the step part in the holiday. So….my tedious work involved in the raising of the kids gets no day to celebrate and therefore needs no gifts to commemorate….For we are the unsung heroes of fatherdom…..and being unsung means the only gift we need is a thank you. So we may continue our unsung heroness….without…..song….or gifts….or….stuff…..”

Her response-

“Technically…you’re an ass. So just tell me what you want.”

“Ok…ok…don’t yell at me. What I would really…really like is a pack of raspberry flavored chewing gum. That would make me the happiest STEP dad in the entire universe.”

(Long pause overdramatisized by “the look” from my wife before she replies)

“They don’t even make that do they….”

I return her famous look and anxiously annoyed foot tapping with-

“Nope.”

“Fine. We will get you what we want.”

Here is what they decide to gimme.

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1- novel picked out by my stepdaughter (she know I have a reading addiction)

2- extra batteries for my e-cigarette vapor emitting hipster device ( that has kept me from smoking a real cigarette for almost 3 weeks calming my cigarette addiction)

3- socks and underwear (which puts a stop to my I have had the same 5 pairs of underwear for almost 8 years don’t like to buy anything new addiction)

She must have been looking through my clothes drawers when I was napping.

What she found was underwear and socks that had more holes and tears in them than a car hit by a drive by shooting.

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And yes….I do relate my underwear and socks to the body of a Porsche…behind that body is a high performance engine…..or something like that.

Bottom line is…..

I got stuff I needed.

They feel better about fulfilling the holiday requirements of holiday gift giving.

Time to start reading while smoking…oops I mean “vaping” and lounging in non air conditioned undergarments.

Life is good.

Which means…

It’s still good2begone.

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