The Sim Pull Life

The reality of this day and age is we need less virtual and more actual.

Escape the truth of life with a “sim pull” vacation. Leave your worries and stress of day to day life and live the virtual life you deserve!

People zoning out in front of screens. Ignoring the world while getting tangled in the web.

Create your own destiny! The “sim pull” life awaits. Cast the mold of the you you want instead of the one you have! Be a CEO, a Queen, a tyrant, rule your own world…your way!

Digital technology is erasing our feeling for touch and face to face communication.

Virtually everything you could possibly desire at the touch of a button and a tilt of the head! The “sim pull” life…..Stop waiting and start virtually living!

Reality is best experienced without a touchscreen or keyboard.

You can virtually do anything you want, all that needs to be done is to actually start experiencing it.

Simple.

End of transmission.

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The Fire Power

Some jobs need to be left to the professionals…like pest control or arson.

I can’t believe I had to write that.

To further my justification for having to justify the statement, one woman is having to face justice for combining the two afore mentioned occupations in an effort to serve vigilante justice to an 8 legged menace.

(Not the spider in question)

Ohh….the wicked webs we weave…

Hilary Hanson of the Huffington Post writes-

A woman in Hutchinson, Kansas, is charged with arson after police say she set her home on fire during an attempt to kill a spider, the Hutchinson News reports.

Ginny M. Griffith, 34, told officers she used a cigarette lighter to set some towels on fire around 1:30 a.m., Friday. She was hoping to catch the little arachnid with the flaming towels and burn it to death, according to WTSP.

It’s unclear if she ever caught the spider, but the fire that resulted did necessitate intervention from the fire department. Five units were summoned and managed to control the fire, which they said had multiple points of origin, within a matter of minutes.

Griffith’s aggravated arson charge stems from the fact that the other half of the duplex was occupied when the blaze began. No one, besides potentially the spider, was injured in the fire and the building only suffered light smoke damage.

In case anyone was still unaware, fire is not a great method of home pest control. In April, a Florida man burned down his apartment trying to kill bugs with fire.

In 2013, a woman in Texas burned her house down while trying to light a snake on fire with gasoline. And in 2012, a California woman set her house ablaze trying to clear spiderwebs with a blowtorch.

Remember kids-

Don’t let your redneck parents play with matches….or lighters….

Or

Blowtorches.

This has been a special service announcement from

Good2begone

And

The Center for What The F@$k Is Wrong With People.

Covered On Sunday-Spinning Ukelele’s

It’s the classic tale of boy meets girl, boy is too nerdy to go after girl, other nerdy boy is actually superhero who gets girl while wearing spandex and a cape but can’t tell girl he really needs corrective eye surgery without the cape.

Ahh…the trials of comic book love. Not much different from real life. Except in real life, there are more Jimmy Olsen’s then their are Supermen.

The ones who dream of getting the girl and concoct elaborate plans to get the girl by jinxing the guy in the cape who the girl is falling for.

Jimmy Olsen gots da blues.

He also has a pocket full of kryptonite to get rid of the guy that the girl he believes should be his is drooling over.

Still confused?

You won’t be after watching this-

The Spin Doctors- “Jimmy Olsen’s Blues”

There is really only one way to cover a song about a fictional beloved superhero and the dual life he leads to be able to remain fictional….and beloved….

People in costume masks and Hawaiian shirts playing ukelele’s.

The joy in writing that sentence made me pee myself a little.

Here is my dream come true.

The Southeast Ukers jamming at Galactic Quest Comics & Games covering- “Jimmy Olsen’s Blues”.

Spin Doctors…..you have been covered on Sunday.

The In Crowd

I’m tired of feeling my age. The mid 40’s are rough. In an effort to regain some sort of stature as being hip and cool, I went out and purchased the latest in technical audio headgear to enhance my “check out that guy” image that has been on the lack for the last few years.

BEETS HEADPHONES!

Who’s the cool kid now?

VII

The cardinal number that is the sum of six and one.

The root number of sins.

Year of the itch.

Lucky or broken reflection.

The center in the storm clouds.

Captured during the wake of a tornado warning.

Seven up before it came down.

Cup Date

The USA men’s soccer team gets pancaked

by the German’s 1-0, but still manages to survive the group of death by way of Ghana getting blinzed

by Portugal.

Up next for the Americans, the knockout round, and a brunch date with the Belgians.

Let’s hope they don’t waffle

this maple sweet opportunity to advance to the round of ate.

Stay hungry…..

The cup awaits.

Bad Sneaker

If you are reading this

AND

are a teenager. this is how to

NOT

get away with sneaking out of the house…..

Remember a picture is worth a thousand words. This one says

BUSTED

feel free to add the next 999.

To Tie Or Not To Tie

I am a soccer fan. I grew up playing the beautiful game. I know the rules. I love every nuance of the game. I find every aspect of the game exciting. Whether the score is-

5-2
1-0
0-0

I will enjoy watching.

The World Cup is the worlds greatest sporting event.

Why?

Well for one it is actually a “World Championship”….which means every country gets the opportunity to compete.

Duh.

The sport is pretty much the most popular sport in the world….except for here in the USA.

The reason I hear most for its unpopularity is because it’s boring. A game can be played for 3 hours and no one scores….

Boooorrringgg.

If soccer is boring….what does that make golf?

America just doesn’t get it.

And that’s ok…

But to chastise a sport as boring because we as a nation suck at it is not being very globally conscious.

That’s just how I see it.

I’ve been hearing a lot of commentary about the USA’s next match at the cup against Germany…….

Which wouldn’t be as important a match if our national team wouldn’t have just completed the biggest choke job in World Cup history in there previous match against Potugal.

Here is my analysis.

They were up 2-1 and got scored on in the final seconds to end up with a tie. No other team in World Cup history had been scored on in the final seconds of a match….ever.

USA!! USA!! USA!!

Because of that epic banana peel slip, they have to either win or tie Germany to advance to the knock out stage of the tournament.

Germany is one of the favorites to possibly win it all.

America has consistently been “in” the tournament since 1990.

Read that again…..that’s right, just “in” the tournament.

Yeah….we got this.

Just make sure they watch “Rudy” about a million times before they face the powerhouse that has won the World Cup 3 times.

Their best outcome comes from a win or a tie. That will advance them to the next round.

I have been listening to sports radio a lot…..and these guys…..there cup runneth over with whine.

That are pretty much begging Germany to rest their entire team in order to guarantee a tie so both teams will advance….

If both teams lay down, untie their boots and just prance around and play keep away for 3 hours then….both advance to the next round…no one loses…and chants of

“We are the World….we are the winless…so let’s stop and make a brighter day by just not trying!”

Huh?

Who plays for a tie?

I mean….that’s pretty diplomatic of our sportscasters and all showing SOOO much confidence in our team but seriously?

I’m a stepfather and if I got a tie on Father’s Day….I wouldn’t have been happy.

And do you really think that the Germans want to be the team that gave the USA a hall pass to just waltz into the next round.

No….they are playing to win a World Cup…not trying to start a world coup.

Really….nobody likes a tie.

It’s like those bad Christmas sweaters.

It’s a joke that’s funny for everyone except the one who gets it.

The USA is the Christmas sweater in the world of soccer.

The only way the joke will end is to stop accepting the tie.

Just win.

Covered On Sunday-The Tragically Hip

Canada is known as “the great white north”….at least that’s what the Mackenzie brothers told me.

They are known for more than back bacon, hockey, second city, RUSH, and Bryan Adams.

But,

tragically, Canada gets the short end of the stick for really hip bands…

Or do they?

They are home to one great band that, in my mind, has never achieved the worldwide recognition they deserve.

The Tragically Hip

Back in my days of living on the border…..the other border….down south…you know, Mexico…

I used to bartend at a downtown hotel bar. Once in a while, out of town bands would stay there.

It was there, that I met and was introduced to The Tragically Hip. We talked a while. They even gave me tickets to the show.

Being a hotel bar, we closed at 11 on slow nights, which gave me a chance to make the show.

I have been a fan ever since.

Here is their most well known song, eh.

From “That Night In Toronto” I give you….

“New Orleans Is Sinking”

As far as covers go, they were pretty difficult to come by.

Like I said earlier, not a very well known band outside of Canada.

But,

I found one I that does it justice and is quite hip in its own way.

The band- Nikita’s Reason.

With an acoustic version…2 guitars…one voice.

Her reason…..cuz the song kicks ass.

I hope to one day take the trip up north to enjoy all things Canadian. Until then, I will continue to enjoy the music and the blogs that reside beyond the northern border.

The Tragically Hip…..you have been covered on Sunday.

The Leftist Principle

Looking suspicious in the eyes of the men in blue does not necessarily mean that their suspicions are correct.

Every once in a while, there is a very legitimate reason for suspicious behavior that would arouse suspicions in the eyes of someone who is trained to detect ones who act suspiciously.

Today, I was driving to the grocery store to pick up a batch of kale….

What?

People do use kale you know. It’s not just for garnish. My wife tells me it’s a superfood…..which is why each piece looks like a cape flowing in the wind.

Anyway,

As I was pulling closer to the stoplight, I noticed an unmarked sheriffs vehicle pull behind me from a side street.

(I have a keen eye for the unmarked variety)

I needed to make a right turn at the light, but my right blinker is out.

In an effort to avoid a ticket, I quickly devised a plan and began to carry it out.

As I made turn #3. complete with full stop and left blinker turned on, the flashing lights came on.

I pulled over and got my required information ready.

The officer came up to the drivers window and asked,

“Mind if I ask you what you are doing in this neighborhood?”

My reply-

“Not at all, officer. I’m just passing through.”

His reply-

“There have been a lot of break ins in this area and you were driving suspiciously.”

My reply-

“Was it my driving that was suspicious or my spray painted vehicle that is suspicious?”

His reply-

“Both. You have a better reason than just passing through?”

My reply-

“I do….but my reasoning was helping me to avoid a ticket….if I tell you…..I might get a ticket.”

His reply-

“Try me….and please hand me your license and insurance.”

My reply-

“Ok….my right turn signal is on the blink. So I figured as long I can make 4 left turns I will end up going right. Thereby nullifying using my right non working turn signal.”

He stops looking at my info, takes off his department issues sunglasses and says,

“What?”

“My truck refuses to ambiturn when one of the blinkers is out.” I replied with an awkward smile.

He hands back my information with a what the hell is this world coming to look and says,

“Get your blinker fixed. If I catch you making multiple left turns again I will impound your spray painted vehicle.”

Who would of thunk it….that one day my knowledge of “Zoolander” would come in handy.

I know….right?