The Claus Truth, And Nothing But
Nothing like a media stirred up holiday controversy to continue to drive a wedge between the races that reside in the melting pot we call
Megyn Kelly from Fox News stated on a news program that Santa Claus is in fact white….and asked parents to remind their children of that.
There have been various other outlets who have jumped on that and have stretched their outrage and opinion on the matter about as far as it could go…..
That was until I decided to chime in.
I recently traveled to the North Pole and did my own journalistic adventure into the workings of the man we call Santa.
Here are my findings…..
I was unable to confront “the being” myself. The Claus fortress has high walls and multiple watchtowers with elfin snipers equipped with long range red rider BB guns.
I did however catch a shadowy glimpse of a figure in a Red Range Rover with dark tint exiting the fortress.
Besides the fortress at the center of the Pole, the rest of the community lives in squalor. Claus is the dictator, keeping his people in check by only giving them what they desperately need and nothing that they want.
I interviewed many of the Pole residents…all of which who refused to be identified by elfin name, in fear of retaliation by Claus.
None would confirm the color of skin that Claus has. Each member of the community signed an iron clad confidentiality agreement to protect that vital piece of information.
But I found one elf that was quite loose lipped on most other information-
“The working conditions inside the fortress are deplorable. The elfin workers are forced to work side by side on assembly lines for 12 hour shifts.” The elf told me.
I replied, “Yeah, and….lost of people around the world work 12 hour shifts in assembly lines….”
“Claus rigged the cuckoo clocks to slow down to half the speed of regular time in the factory. So, 12 hour shifts are actually 24 hour shifts. AND…all clocks outside the factory run twice as fast. Our 8 hour time off is actually 4 hours. Everyone is too sleep deprived to notice.”
“What about that ‘Rudolph’ character?”
The disheveled elf looked around to make sure no one else was around and replied,
“You mean the drunk, drug pushin’, bully Rudolph?”
“…..I guess….very shiny nose….reindeer games….going down in history..”
“Going down in history as Claus’ heavy.”
“His nose is always red cuz Claus keeps him liquored up on Schnapps. Claus also stopped the laughing and calling him names by putting him on a steroid and high protein diet. His size and huge ego has made him the bully. He keeps the others in line by getting them hooked on Claus’ magic dust….why do you the think the others are named Blitzen and Comet….think man!”
He then dropped the bomb on me when I asked about the infamous yet elusive Mrs. Claus.
He got real quiet. Took off his pointed hat with the bell on the end of it, and rubbed his pointed ears to calm himself and then spoke.
“In the elf circles…she is called the “Godmother”.
Nothing goes down at the Pole without her approval. I can’t say anything else…I’ve got a family, man. I can’t afford to wake up next to the head of My Little Pony. Gotta go…my shift is about to start.”
The elf jumped on his tricycle and rode out of the alley and on to the factory.
As for me, I have Yugo stuck in the snow and no one to elfin help me get it out.
None of the images used are mine. All were found using Google search.