The Plan to Cure The 17 Year Old Itch
To sum up my last post-
My 17 year old stepson has asked 3…yes 3, girls to marry him in the last 6 months.
The most current proposal (3rd verse same as the 1st), was by text message.
We stalk his phone. Don’t judge me.
“Will you marry me?”
Her reply was
“Let’s run away and get married.”
I devised a plan.
My plan (much to my wife’s disapproval) was to encourage him to follow through on getting married.
Here is how it went-
He arrived home from school and my wife and I asked him to take a seat on the
“Sofa of Consequence”
After we stared each other down for approximately 2 minutes (pure dramatic effect), I spoke.
“Son, we…umm….I would like to have an adult conversation with you. You are allowed to reply as an adult with whatever tone you see fit. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind….as I will be doing the same.”
His reply as he sat up straighter was-
“So why do you want to get out of here so bad. Do we treat you that harshly?”
“I don’t want to leave here….why would you ask that?”
The yank on the line-
“Well…you know we read your text messages after you go to bed. Last night you texted your girlfriend and not only asked her to marry you, which makes the third girl in 6 months to be honored with that special request, but you stated that you both should run away and get married.”
“I was just joking.” He sheepishly smiled as he blushed during his reply.
“Really? I might have believed that the first proposal was a joke….the second one, to a different girl, I possibly might have believed was a joke, if you gave me World Series tickets as you said it….but time number 3? Nope, not a joke. You want to get married…..and I am not mad. I support you 100% in your decision.”
Wide smile from me,
Dramatic pause as I wait for a response.
“You do?” He said.
“Yup. But there are a few things we have to iron out before hand.”
Fish in the net, ready to be pulled into the boat.
“So first, you need to quit being such a pussy and propose in person like a man. You aren’t a kid anymore. 3rd time is the charm. You are officially an adult.”
The word pussy took him by surprise. I guess it did the same for my wife as her elbow jammed into my side.
I was hitting full stride so I kept laying it on.
“But….you are not 18 and I am quite sure that she is not either. So….before you propose to her, you need to go to her Father and ask him for her hand in marriage…..that is what men do….are you man enough to talk to her Father about that?”
I gave him a second to reply, but quickly cut in before he could answer.
“Once you get that approval. You are going to need a ring. An engagement ring. The wedding ring comes later.”
I pulled out my smartphone which had already been preset to overstock.com and showed him this-
“You make what…$150 a week? Better start saving now. You are an adult now. Adults pay for things themselves….ohh and once you get married you and your bride have to live somewhere….and it ain’t gonna be here. Lol $150 a week.”
He tried to cut in again but I was on a roll.
“Oh….but wait. To be married in Texas you have to be 18 or have your parents consent. Even if we and your Dad give consent…..you think her parents will? No worries…I will check the states adjacent to ours to see if they are any help…
What about Mexico?…sorry, bubba 18. Even if you could run away to get married you got no place to go and your $150 a week won’t get you far anyway.”
He finally got fed up and got a few words in.
“I was just joking. I don’t want to get married…I’m just a kid.”
I had a comeback for that one also.
“Really. Kids don’t bring their girlfriends home in the middle of the afternoon to fudge them in their parents house. No….you are an adult.”
I quickly recovered.
“Since you are an adult. We will no longer treat you as a child. Unfortunately, you are an adult who lives in our house and has to abide by our rules….so technically…we can treat you like a child. BUT we will non longer be holding on to your money to save it for any reason. It’s your money. You need to start saving for that joke ring and joke wedding that you plan with every girl that gives you the time a day. Eventually one of them is going to say yes. You need to get financially prepared. That’s all. Unless you have some adult words of wisdom for us…..if not…..you can go play your games…..son.”
My wife hands him the money.
He gets up quietly, walks down the hall and slams his door.
I look at my wife and smile triumphantly.
She smirks and said,
“You never asked my Dad if you could marry me…”
“I never tried to have sex with you in their house either.”