The Pretzel Twist

by good2begone

In addition to my lovely wife being the anti sugar gluten free ingredient watching can’t eat anything processed gram counting Gestapo, she has now branched out into a fitness calorie counting couch to 5k yoga chanting workout tape utilizing burning rubber off the soles of her tennis shoes trainer…in training.

I’m very proud of her. I get to watch her crank up a sweat, and stretch and pull and strain, while I eat peanut butter pretzels from the comfort of the sofa.

She wants to feel better and get in shape, and I encourage her to do so.


Just this morning she informed me that she had burned over 200 calories from her workout routine.

I informed her that I have burned 6 cigarettes and the turkey bacon we had for breakfast….and it’s not even noon!

Currently, she is out jogging.

I’m sitting here…trying not to get pretzel salt on the touchscreen.

It’s not my fault.

Upon birth, I was equipped with a genetically enhanced metabolizmic flux capacitor.

It’s true.

It allows to eat-whatever I want, whenever I want and as much as I want without gaining any weight.

Once I reached my pre scientifically determined height requirement of 6’2″ at approximately the age of 18 years 3 months and 17 days, I stopped gaining weight.

And have remained at approximately 158 pounds since then.

Except for when my diet consisted of booze, cocaine and club crackers.

For about 10 years I was hovering around 110 pounds.

Once I quit the illegals and such, the flux capacitor kicked in and I was returned to the pre determined weight specification of 158.

I freaking love science.

Exercise…not so much.

I get tired watching my wife work out.

“Hey honey…as long as you are up, could you jog into the kitchen and get me some more pretzels?”