The Gotta Have

by good2begone

One word carries a lot of power. Nations and economies have been built upon it. Wars have been based upon it. It has been relied upon, lost, gained, believed in and blamed.

One word. 5 letters.


I am a definition guy. I thought I knew what it really meant. I looked it up to be sure. I ended up with more questions than answers. defines the word with 3 definitions.

faith[ feyth ]
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another’s ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.

So what this tells me is I need to have confidence or trust in a person ( a god), or thing ( teachings of religion i.e. the Bible), and believe in them even though they are not based on proof.


I grew up as an occasional holiday church goer…..and that was forced.

My exposure or experience with religion came from Sunday morning TV, which I endured until cartoons came on.

I would watch these guys preach in front on thousands of people in the audience and millions worldwide about the teachings of God and the Bible in their expensive suits.

They would prance confidently about the stage, sweating and fervently relaying what the book was saying to them.

There would be cheers and “hallelujahs” and “amens” from the audience. Their faith would be strengthened.

A handful of these big name preachers were later ousted by sex scandals and misuse of church funds and the like.

My faith was weakened.

Yet, still, I would pray. Even though I didn’t know why. I would listen to people when they would speak of “God”, even though I couldn’t tell you why.

I wanted to believe….but why?

In my teens, my Dad got sober through the program of AA. He found a belief in a “higher power” and stayed connected.

My Dad was and still is my hero….faults and all.

He stayed sober until his death from cancer at 12 years sober. I blamed his higher power, and the morning he passed away I told his higher power what I thought-

“You allowed my Dad to be sober for years, get his life back, be the man he wanted to be for his family…and then take him away with this? How dare you! I am done with Gods. You leave me alone and I will leave you alone.”

That was more or less what I said.

The next 5 years were very dark for me.

Is it because I was faithless and angry?

I don’t know.

In 2006 I got out of jail and rehab and started over in a place I had never heard of and joined AA.

For the next 6 years I worked the program, got connected with a higher power, stayed sober and regained my faith.

I still don’t know what I believe my faith is in….but its something.

During my first few years of being in AA, I got the religion bug. I went to various churches of various faiths and tried to find where I fit in.

I went to the library and read various books on various faiths and religions to try to find some sense on why it worked for many for not for me.

I found a lot and disregarded a lot. There is so much information based on that 5 letter word that it was and is hard to get a handle on it.

My findings were that religion is not for me. I have tried honestly, dishonestly, forcingly and willingly to give it a go….and I just can’t.

AA taught me about believing in a “higher power”. That worked for me for a long time.

Until, once again, things started to happen that I couldn’t understand.

My bosses wife had 2 strokes. She was 24 years old, sober for roughly 3 years, mother to 2 small boys, going to school to be a nurse.

She is now 25, living in a nursing home.

How does this happen?

My wife at 8 years sober, works at a prison as a drug and alcohol counselor. Last October she had her life anonymously threatened by an inmate. He then threatened the lives of our family the next day.

Our lives have changed.

And faith is supposed to carry us through…..

I left AA a few months ago, but I had quit working the program long before that. Still sober.

Do I blame my leaving on God?


I just can’t listen to people talk about faith when I see faithless things going on everyday.

I have to have confidence and trust that everything will work out the the way it should.

Even though I have no proof that it will.

That, it itself, defines faith.