The Sugar Shakedown

by good2begone


Witch Doctors are real.

I know…I know…you probably think I’m poking up the wrong voodoo doll on this one…but it’s true.

My wife visits one on a monthly basis.

He doesn’t call himself a witch doctor..I call him that.

He calls himself a “Nutritional Response Therapist”.

Psst…don’t tell anyone….that’s just fancy mumbo jumbo for witch doctor.

YouTube that term for a video explanation…I aint gonna do it for ya.

It really doesn’t matter what I call him. What he does works. He has helped my wife with various issues she has been having…and they trace back to what she puts into her body.

To get better, she has has to cut out various food items.

-chocolate
-peanuts
-soy
-wheat
-corn
-granulated sugar
-rice
-gluton

to name a few.

I am a supportive husband. I have told her that I would do my best to eat what she has to eat….or not eat, as to not isolate her from the family eating frenzy.

We have become label checkers. Anything that contains the above items in any form is a no no.

Trouble is EVERYTHING contains some of those items.

I need to find a secret black market delivery service that can steathily get me food contraband so I be supportive face to face but can be a gluttonous sloth behind her back.

Or…

Someone who is willing to forge ingredient labels to say they don’t include any of the above listed items.

The nutritional data also needs to be fudged (every pun intended) to inform me that the sugar count per serving is ZERO OR LESS.

Every item I pick up at the grocery store gets snatched out of my paws by wife so she can check the hyper count.

She is the sugar Gestapo.

I. NEED. SUGAR. PERIOD.

(The word period was spelled out for dramatic effect to exemplify the point that I am taking a stand to everyone except my anti sugar wife)

I even took her to a couple of hippie grocery stores that were 80 miles away.

I think one was called-

“Ve Gan Do It!”

Or something along those lines….

You know what these people eat?

No meat….meat.

That’s not groovy.

Here is what I found to illustrate what no meat….meat…is for other sugar devouring carnivores in hiding like myself.

20130727-223333.jpg

Tofurky
Trademark

Tofurky is the brand name of an American vegetarian turkey replacement made from a blend of wheat protein and organic tofu. Tofurky is a trademark of Turtle Island Foods, a company based in Oregon. -Wikipedia

It may be the greatest no meat…meat in the history of no substance….substances…

BUT I NEED SUBSTANCE!!!

Please send me donuts hidden in a box of gluton free spinach fettuccini.

They make that you know. I’ve seen it. I’ve not only seen it, I will be eating it soon.

Either that or find “The Good Witch Doctor of the West” for me before the flying monkeys force me into a hippie commune.

I don’t want that to happen.

Patchouli makes me nauseas.

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