Falling 30 On The Right

98% of the time I am calm, even keeled, patient and worry free.

Occasionally, during this 98% of the time, my wife feels the need to poke me with a stick to be sure I am still alive and breathing.

She calls it “indifference to the point of comatose”.

I call it…”whatever”.

Story change…

My stepdaughter just asked 3 questions…

1- Can poisoned grapes hurt dogs?

2- Can dogs read minds?

3- Can cats change genders?

Ponder those for a while…back to the story.

The 2% is the part to worry about. It can rear its ugly head at any point, and usually escalates about as quick as an electric shock from a fork in an outlet.

It takes me off guard and wrecks me until something happens to bring perspective to the situation.

Today was 2% day.

Someone I work with…used to work with, called to complain and rant at me and hung up on me before I had a chance to reply.

I don’t like being hung up on…I mean…I’m not going to be IGNORED!!”

I immediately started fuming. My music choice of the day changed from Peter Gabriel

to

Sevendust

I don’t listen to the hard stuff much anymore…it makes me angry but I keep it around to add fuel to my fire when needed.

I started planning.

I need to go see him face to face and tell him what I think. I need to teach him proper phone etiquette. DOESN’T HE KNOW WHO I THINK I AM?

I turned onto a country road as a shortcut and sped up so I could see the dust flying behind me and watch the country rodents scatter in front of me as I made my way to set things right……

At least, that was my plan.

As I drifted onto the country road…just like Vin Diesel from “The Fast and the Furious”, I came behind this.

A country traffic jam.

I cursed, slammed my hands on the steering wheel and then pulled over to take the picture, changed it to black and white and just looked at for a while……and my 2% rage slowly drifted away and was replaced by calm.

Certain aspects of the photo took me back to my past.

The rear view mirror is dark- just like my past.

The leaning traffic sign on the right-At 30 years old I was an angry man. All the time. Living off cocaine and booze. It was around then when my life was falling over.

The driver is looking forward, drinking coffee, moving at the pace he is required to do so- my dark past is behind me, even though I can still see it and remember the destructiveness of my actions, I don’t have to let it define me or rule me. I can take life at its pace..not mine, and be content and happy.

So he hung up on me. Who cares. I don’t have to accept unacceptable behavior by retaliation. I just have to be ok with who I am and how I handle things.

A picture of a tractor pulled me back from anger.

Now I just have to hope I don’t get poked with a stick.

On a different note question #4 was just asked-

4- Are there pink zebras with green stripes somewhere like in Africa?

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Sending….

A dinosaur of communication
Message sent
Days pass
Message received

Letters from ink and pen
Fossilized by fiber optic railways
Technology places another stamp
On the echoes of the past.
____________

My words. My photo.

Message sent.

The Sugar Shakedown

Witch Doctors are real.

I know…I know…you probably think I’m poking up the wrong voodoo doll on this one…but it’s true.

My wife visits one on a monthly basis.

He doesn’t call himself a witch doctor..I call him that.

He calls himself a “Nutritional Response Therapist”.

Psst…don’t tell anyone….that’s just fancy mumbo jumbo for witch doctor.

YouTube that term for a video explanation…I aint gonna do it for ya.

It really doesn’t matter what I call him. What he does works. He has helped my wife with various issues she has been having…and they trace back to what she puts into her body.

To get better, she has has to cut out various food items.

-chocolate
-peanuts
-soy
-wheat
-corn
-granulated sugar
-rice
-gluton

to name a few.

I am a supportive husband. I have told her that I would do my best to eat what she has to eat….or not eat, as to not isolate her from the family eating frenzy.

We have become label checkers. Anything that contains the above items in any form is a no no.

Trouble is EVERYTHING contains some of those items.

I need to find a secret black market delivery service that can steathily get me food contraband so I be supportive face to face but can be a gluttonous sloth behind her back.

Or…

Someone who is willing to forge ingredient labels to say they don’t include any of the above listed items.

The nutritional data also needs to be fudged (every pun intended) to inform me that the sugar count per serving is ZERO OR LESS.

Every item I pick up at the grocery store gets snatched out of my paws by wife so she can check the hyper count.

She is the sugar Gestapo.

I. NEED. SUGAR. PERIOD.

(The word period was spelled out for dramatic effect to exemplify the point that I am taking a stand to everyone except my anti sugar wife)

I even took her to a couple of hippie grocery stores that were 80 miles away.

I think one was called-

“Ve Gan Do It!”

Or something along those lines….

You know what these people eat?

No meat….meat.

That’s not groovy.

Here is what I found to illustrate what no meat….meat…is for other sugar devouring carnivores in hiding like myself.

Tofurky
Trademark
Tofurky is the brand name of an American vegetarian turkey replacement made from a blend of wheat protein and organic tofu. Tofurky is a trademark of Turtle Island Foods, a company based in Oregon. -Wikipedia

It may be the greatest no meat…meat in the history of no substance….substances…

BUT I NEED SUBSTANCE!!!

Please send me donuts hidden in a box of gluton free spinach fettuccini.

They make that you know. I’ve seen it. I’ve not only seen it, I will be eating it soon.

Either that or find “The Good Witch Doctor of the West” for me before the flying monkeys force me into a hippie commune.

I don’t want that to happen.

Patchouli makes me nauseas.

Get Squirrely

I used to be a strapping young child full of wonder and questions. A lot of the wonder and questions came from watching

“Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom”

Here is the host/animal god

Marlin Perkins

He usually was in the studio.

Here is the assistant/ animal bait

Jim Fowler

Perkins would be all cozy in the AC of TV City explaining how dangerous this weeks animal was.

Fowler would be the gopher to prove it.

I always wondered what kind of sadistic boss is this mustache guy?

I would question the judgement and sanity of Jimmy boy on why he always had to do the dirty work.

“Dude…there is a reason these animals are in cages at the zoo.”

I told myself at a young age…I will NEVER EVER be that guy.

Fast forward to my destiny…

I’ve posted about my run in with animals before.

To read the travesty of working in the sticks, please read

12 Seconds Of Terror

Hit the link….you will thank me all the way to Hog Heaven if you do…..

My destiny continues…

“We have a job to do…that is tailor made to your abilities..” My boss proudly stated.

I looked at him with a smirk and replied,

“I don’t know what that means…but I know I’m not going to like it…”

He smiled big and clapped me on the back.

We arrive at said job and gives me the lowdown.

“Ok…here’s the deal…these customers had a squirrel crawl through an exposed vent in the roof and got trapped in the walls…I need you to get it out…”

“…..and why the f”$k is this tailor made for me? I’m not the Squirrel Whisperer..”

“Look…they know where it died. They heard the scratching in the walls and traced it to behind the kitchen cabinets, before they could figure out how to get it out….the scratching stopped and the smell of dead animal followed. I can’t fit under the cabinets…you can.” He stated

“So because you are a fat ass I have to pull a Jim Fowler while you drink lemonade with the customers?”

“Whose Jim Fowler?…and I don’t drink lemonade if smells like urine. Just get it done…here is a hole saw to cut into the cabinet and here is a coat hanger to find the squirrel. Just hook him and pull him out.”

“Ugggh…I need rubber gloves…AND A RAISE!!”

The smell in the kitchen was unbearable. Every known odor blocking product ever made was stacked on the counter. Candles burning in every corner of the room. All that and it smelled like something rotting covered in roses and coconut and vanilla and sea breeze.

I opened the cabinet and started to go under with my given tools and a flashlight. I looked up at my boss and said,

“I hate Marlon Perkins.”

And did what I had to do.

Luckily, it only took about 25 minutes…..

But the smell stayed in my nostrils for weeks.

It’s a jungle out there folks.

The Earful

I do not like to deprive my eardrums. Therefore, I prefer to keep music on as much as possible.

With no music, my ears would be forced to listen to the various voices and personalities that live in the cranium above.

My ears do not approve of that.

The cranium crew decides what music to play.

To keep the crew happy, variety is needed. Technology is a great help in this area. The App Store for iPhones has many choices…..I have tried them all.

At least all the free ones.

Currently, I use Songza.

It has the most choices and variety.

It keeps me from pulling an Amanda Bynes and going all 5150 at retirement homes in our area.

I can listen to almost any genre of music, at least for a little while.

Last night, I ventured into unchartered territory with some of my choices. Here are a few of them…

–Meditation sounds “crackling fire”

It is what it says. How anyone could possibly be calm when it sounds like burning embers are popping out of the fireplace and burning the carpet is beyond me.

Meditation sounds “storm sounds”

Listening to that made me think lightning was going to hit the tree outside and crush my wife’s new car.
Not very relaxing.

Singer/songwriter

Like listening to a poetry slam for depressed people….with a piano playing in the background.

Movie soundtracks

Continuous Hans Zimmergasms. Yeah, not for me, thanks.

Japanese bubble gum pop music.

I didn’t know this existed…thanks songza my ears will never be the same….in any language.

As I am listening and changing stations and listening and changing stations I look at my Chihuahua who is faithfully by my side.

She has had her ears covered since the music started playing.

I then tested a theory…

I changed the app to the Funk of the ’70’s station and looked at her again once the music started.

James Brown was on, funking it up with “Superbad“.

The paw came off the ear. She sat up and licked my ear. Then laid back down and went to sleep.

Good dog.

Or, Well, Was, Is

Daily prompt- Retrospctive

The Man of Steel returned
Only on the screens
“T, J, and the Way of the A”
We’re not his motives,
He only needed money…
So it seems.

The whistles were blowing
The spies and scandals abound
Clowns on the left
Jokers to the right
In the middle, no amusement
Our cries make no sound.

The race started with a bang
A yearly festival of running
That always bring cheer
It ended with a boom
No stanza or rhyme
Can dissipate the fear.

Motown is headed south
It’s soul lies in limbo
How does a city fall
When the building don’t crumble
I wish I knew the answer
But it’s not that simple

2013 is not gone
Only halfway by the number
Orwell might be a prophet
The year, his only blunder.

Gummy Bare

The gum business is a sticky operation.

The packaging and selling points have to change with the times.

Lets look at a few.

First up-

Black jack gum

Notice the Norman Rockwellesque advertising. It is obviously from a time gone by…..

Just like black licorice flavored gum.

Then there is this one.

Blow pops

Hard candy flavored shell with bubble gum at the core.

Quite ingenious…still stands the test of time….and keeps the dentistry business booming.

The sports industry had not readily been tapped for gum consumers until this came along-

Big League Chew

Not old enough for stomach churning Red Man…..not to worry little leaguer, this will be your starter kit. Go ahead try to stuff it all in your cheek at one time….just like your favorite big league slugger!

Gum….it keeps up with the times.

I say that to get to this….

Every couple of days or so I convince myself I need to quit smoking.

Gum is the answer. There are usually multiple packages of gum stuffed in drawers around the house just for that reason.

Until today….

No gum to be found. Until at the back of a kitchen cabinet I came across this-

Xanthan gum

It says gum right on the package.

I thought maybe some company created powdered chewing gum.

(HEY! IT COULD HAPPEN!!)

So I ripped open the package and poured it into my mouth and tried to make it into chewing gum.

What I made was a bacteria paste that made me look like I had rabies.

Xanthan gum-

10 out of 10 dentists recommend you don’t try to chew it…..EVER.

:15

There is no pedestal large enough to sustain the weight of fan based expectations.

“You could change the world.”

They said.

“You could have it all.”

They said.

“Adoring fans and live the life of royalty.”

They said.

“You can handle it.”

They said.

“Take a drink of this, a sniff of that…you can’t tell them your tired, you owe it to them.”

They said.

“Get yourself together. Your time is my money.”

They said.

“What happened to him?”

They said.

“He had it all.”

They said.

“He had a world of fans, but died alone.”

They said.

“Have you heard of this new guy?”

They said.

“He is going to change it all!”

They said.

“……………”

What If….

What if…

The only color was grey?
Would we then be able
To turn and walk away?

What if…

Words did hurt?
Would the sticks and stones
Then be left in the dirt?

What if.…

Pigs COULD fly?
Would we then follow through
With what was so easily denied?

What if….

We looked at the world
With a child’s eyes opened wide
Would we then understand
When they always ask

Why?

Texas Heater

Weekly photo challenge- Fresh

Fresh from the garden. The weather ain’t the only thing that’s hot on Texas…