The Simple Ton

by good2begone


I’m stubborn.

There it is …I said it. I wrote. I live it.

Yesterday I proved it.

My in-laws needed help. They needed railroad ties for the parking lot of the business they are about to open.

No problem.

I have a truck to transport them. I am able bodied enough to move them without issue….

So I thought.

They requested 10 railroad ties.

My wife and I got into my truck and headed to the specified location where the ties were to be found.

My wife asked if I would need assistance loading them, and requested that I call one of my friends for help.

My reply-

“Honey….I am a man. I am a man that works in construction every day. I lift and carry heavy objects on a regular basis. I don’t need no stinking help.”

Her reply-

“Suit yourself.”

With quite a bit of huffing and puffing and straining and tugging, I got all 10 into the truck and we drove home.

I heard my tires scream at me…..

“You idiot! This is too much weight for us to stroll around with!!!”

I heard loud and clear.

Once arriving at home I decided to Google how heavy railroad ties were.

Here are the specs-

99 percent of the railroad ties in the US are still wood and each ones weighs approximately 200 pounds. A typical wood railroad tie is 8-1/2 feet long, 9 inches wide, and 7 inches thick, and made from a variety of hardwoods (such as white pine and cedar).

Knowing that info….I had to rethink some things.

Here is some simple math-

-I have a half-ton pick up.
-I have 10 railroad ties in the back which weigh 200 pounds each.
-The total of said ties is 2000 pounds.

I have a ton of weight in my half ton.

That is “no bueno”.

My simple mind tells me-

“Half of those ties that bind need to come off, genius.”

My muscles, which were already sore, began to cramp in defiance.

Like I said….I’m stubborn.

So I returned to the chalkboard for more simple math.

-Each tie weighs 200 pounds.
-Each tie is 8 1/2 feet long
-I am roughly 158 3/4 pounds
(Yes that 3/4 makes a difference)
-I am 6’3″ tall

I figured if I could lift myself 6 times without issue, I should be able to lift the required ties off the truck.

Simple gravity tells me I can’t lift myself off the ground and I look like a mental patient trying to do so in my front yard.

To make long story a ton shorter, I got the 5 ties off the truck, drove the other 5 to the business about 40 miles away, unloaded them and placed them, and drove home.

Today I am in a ton of pain. My right shoulder hates me. I can’t move my neck more than a quarter of the way toward either side. I haven’t slept. I feel stupid for being stubborn and not asking for help.

Moral of the story-

Asking a simpleton to move a ton of ties is a simple recipe for a ton of muscles in ties.

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