When the pain of something becomes greater than the fear of that something, action must be taken.
A change needs to be made.
I had been in this predicament for a while.
I waited…or better yet “expected” the pain to stop.
It did not.
The fear of the after effects of my pending decision weighed heavily on my mind as well-
Can I do it?
Will I do it?
What will people say?
How will I maintain?
Roughly, about a month ago, the pain became greater than the fear.
I made a life change that no one expected or saw coming.
Not my wife
Not my AA sponsor
Not my sponsee
Not my bosses
I stopped attending AA.
The pain of continuing to go became greater than the fear of leaving it behind.
My bosses believe that it’s a social experiment.
The sponsor I had believes that I am making a grave decision.
My sponsee asked if he needed to get another sponsor the night before I put action to my decision. He knew I I had been “off” for a while.
I said yes because I knew I was done.
My wife backs my decision but has her own fears that go along with it.
And I get that.
I can’t keep doing something that I have lost a desire to do.
What keeps going through my head is-
AA is not for people that need it…it is for people that want it.
I just don’t want it anymore.
My focus, since then, has been on 2 things-
Those are the things I want.
And coincidentally, those are the 2 things I need.
I have learned volumes from the people in the rooms of AA, the Big Book of AA, and the fellowship that holds it together.
That knowledge has not vanished or been banished from my memory.
I am not “anti AA” now….not will I ever be. It is the program that did for me what I would never have done on my own.
I have made the decision to continue my journey in sobriety and life without it.
That is all.
It was better for me to walk away,
Then it wAs to stAy.
I’m still sober.
It’s still good2begone.