The WalkAwAy

When the pain of something becomes greater than the fear of that something, action must be taken.

A change needs to be made.

I had been in this predicament for a while.

I waited…or better yet “expected” the pain to stop.

It did not.

The fear of the after effects of my pending decision weighed heavily on my mind as well-

Can I do it?
Will I do it?
What will people say?
How will I maintain?

Roughly, about a month ago, the pain became greater than the fear.

I made a life change that no one expected or saw coming.

Not my wife
Not my AA sponsor
Not my sponsee
Not my bosses

I stopped attending AA.

The pain of continuing to go became greater than the fear of leaving it behind.

My bosses believe that it’s a social experiment.

It’s not.

The sponsor I had believes that I am making a grave decision.

I’m not.

My sponsee asked if he needed to get another sponsor the night before I put action to my decision. He knew I I had been “off” for a while.

I said yes because I knew I was done.

My wife backs my decision but has her own fears that go along with it.

And I get that.

I can’t keep doing something that I have lost a desire to do.

What keeps going through my head is-

AA is not for people that need it…it is for people that want it.

I just don’t want it anymore.

My focus, since then, has been on 2 things-


Those are the things I want.

And coincidentally, those are the 2 things I need.

I have learned volumes from the people in the rooms of AA, the Big Book of AA, and the fellowship that holds it together.

That knowledge has not vanished or been banished from my memory.

I am not “anti AA” now….not will I ever be. It is the program that did for me what I would never have done on my own.

I have made the decision to continue my journey in sobriety and life without it.

That is all.

It was better for me to walk away,
Then it wAs to stAy.

I’m still sober.

It’s still good2begone.


13 thoughts on “The WalkAwAy

  1. Wow – that’s a surprise! Ta da! Listen, I am an AA dude, I am a recovery nerd and I do my rock’n’roll duty in AA. So it’s something I want and need. For now. Who knows where I will be in 2 years, 6 years, 12 years. I don’t know. If I had read this a year ago, I would have been aghast. Leave AA??? Are you NUTS? ha ha. But in the past year or so I have been active on several recovery forums / message boards, and I have seen a lot of guys who used to be in AA and now are doing their own thing. And they are thriving. Not to say AA brought them down, but they said the things you are saying – that they aren’t anti-AA or anything like that, and they have used the principles and ideas of AA to propel their sobriety. So who am I to say what works and doesn’t? AA doesn’t own or monopolize God or recovery. I think what you’re doing – following what you need to do in your recovery – is brave, and I am sure you are going to have some detractors and doomsayers. Follow your path.

    Thanks for posting this.

  2. Quitting AA? Meh. Now, if you had said you were quitting WP, I would have thought that’s a serious bummer. In all seriousness, I wish I could say more, but since I’ve never been in AA or left AA, I fear your readers would find my qualifications to comment on the subject lacking. I do know walking away from something that causes pain is bound to be the right decision, and I wish you the very best.

  3. I appreciate this post – and what I imagine you’ve been going through to make this decision. I was in OA for exactly 12 years (ironic number) when I accepted a truth that I had been resisting for a year – it was time to leave. Tough to accept, but it was exactly what I needed.

    I remember hearing during that last year something along the lines of, “If you’re growing, that means you must be outgrowing things that used to serve you.” Ooh, I hated that at the time, because I subconsciously knew I was outgrowing that program. Like you said, that doesn’t mean the program was wrong for me initially or for others – it was simply time for me to leave.

    Best of wishes on your journey.

    • Thank you very much for the support. I have been a member of AA for over 6 years. Involved in service, helping others, chairing meetings, going to conferences….you know the whole enchilada. Over the last few months I have continued to do so because I felt I had to. Thinking my fire would return. It hasn’t. So I opted to stop going. Currently, I am completely at ease.

  4. CombatBabe says:

    I agree with you. AA is for those who want it, not always for those who need it. I think you should do well with your decision as I don’t believe you would make a decision like this on a whim. We’re all here for you.

  5. G2BG, I am happy you are at peace with your decision, and I truly look forward to upcoming posts on how it’s going, Post-AA Sobriety! It takes a lot of courage to make this decision, and I applaud the conviction it must have taken. Write again soon!

  6. “AA is not for people that need it…it is for people that want it.” Truer words were never spoken.

    Sobriety is the main thing, and the best way to achieve that is the way that works for you.

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