Lyric Lesson With Mo Joe

by good2begone


About a month or so ago I was left without a vehicle due to my lack of mechanical skills and inability to hear my truck screaming for help. For the story read this post- Black Truck Down.

While not having a vehicle to drive I had to rely on co workers to pick me up.

My wife and I were outside having a smoke while waiting for my ride.

Her-“Who is picking you up today?”

Me-“I don’t know. The Boss just said they would take care of it and be ready by….OH NO!….” I said as I stared up the street.

Her- “What is it honey?”

Me-” It’s Joe….” I solemnly say as I point toward the car coming down the block.

My wife quickly puts out her smoke and rushes inside as she says,

“I gotta go…umm..see if the stove is on…no I mean…put on my make up…I love you…bye….” And shuts the door behind her….and locks it, just as Mo Joe gets out of his compact vehicle with the spinning rims on the tires.

“Hey goner dude. Looks like its your lucky day…you get to ride with me in the mojo machine…”

“Uggghhhh…we won’t have to stop to wind it up or anything will we?”

“It’s not a toy you know..this is a serious vehicle that not just anyone can handle on the road….next week I’m gonna put neon strips underneath like on Fast and Furious.”

“Seriously?…First this is a Ford Focus…second…aren’t you like almost 60 years old…and third neon? It’s gonna make your car look like a snow cone on wheels….spinning wheels at that….”

“You are only as old as you feel, sucka, and since I have been taking the blue pill, I feel like a teenager.”

“Can we get to work? I really don’t like where this conversation is going. It’s way too early for this. I have no need to hear about your stick shift”

We get into his car and begin the trek to work. To my dismay, it’s gonna be about a 1/2 hour ride to the jobsite.

About 17.45 seconds into the ride he starts talking.

“I think we have a lot in common. Maybe we should start carpooling once you get your truck back. We could both save on gas and the ride wouldn’t be as boring. What do you think?”

I take off my seatbelt and reach for the door handle but it won’t open. I figure if I jump out now my injuries would not be as bad as if I waited until we got onto the highway.

Without missing a beat Mo Joe says,

“Child safety locks are on. You can’t get out until I let you out. Carpooling would be fun for both of us. Maybe after we got to know each other you and your wife could double date with me and my girlfriend?”

I purse my lips together and ball my fists up and say,

“You don’t even have kids? Why are the locks on?”

“I just like to use ALL the features in this starship….makes me feel important. You like music don’t you? I have had this song in my head fort a few days and I can’t figure out who it is? I am gonna sing it to you..”

“Please don’t..I already can’t get out, let’s not make this worse…”

To no surprise at all, he starts singing lyrics to a song.

‘She lies the toast down and has the jam

Can’t find the butter man

She dreams of pastries
She dreams of bread

Can’t find the butter, man’

“If I had mace I would shoot you with it in the face RIGHT NOW!….who sings about toast and why would I know it?”

“I know you know the song…it’s one of those grunge bands you listen to…I have heard you listen to it…”

I sit and think. It is the only time the vehicle is quiet….and then it hits me.

“We’re you trying to sing Betterman from Pearl Jam? There is no reference to toast or any condiment for toast whatsoever in that song. IT’S NOT ABOUT TOAST!”

“Sure it is. They are from Seattle, the birthplace of Starbucks Coffeeshop, coffee is for breakfast, toast is for breakfast. Therefore they are singing about there love of breakfast and how depressing and grungy it is to have toast….without….butter.” And he smirks a confident smirk while he is driving.

I envision myself reaching across to the drivers side of the vehicle and strangling him….but I am quite sure he has shortened the length of the seatbelt to restrict my movement.

So I just rub my bald head…it calms me.

And it will hopefully stop me thinking about toast.

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