Agility Redefined

Agility- the gracefulness of a person or animal that is quick and nimble.

I will allow your mind to envision your own picture of agility before I continue….

Cue Final Jeopardy music

I will assume that as the music was playing visions of ballerinas, Barry Sanders, or any member of a gymnastics squad came to mind.

Yeah…well none of that applies to me.
Me dancing is like like the painting of dogs playing poker… doesn’t make any sense yet you can’t look away. There was and will only ever be one Barry Sanders. Being in gymnastics involves tights. Tights and agility… thanks.

During my extensive career as a drunk, I considered myself to be quite agile. I considered it an art form to have never picked up a drinking related offense from the police. Not without lack of trying, mind you.

It’s not easy to stand on one leg with your arms outstretched, head tilted back and being asked to touch your nose alternately with each index finger…..with traffic blazing by, red and blue lights blaring, cops waiting for me to fall, all the while wondering if those last 4 Jäger shots were really necessary at last call.

Agility comes in many forms.

After I went through that last scenario I was requested to regurgitate the alphabet….backwards. Luckily agility of the intoxicated tongue was one of my minors during one of my many failed attempts a being a collegiate warrior.

This is not about my former somehow keeping my loser forever drunk ass out of jail time self. That was just the Backstory to who I was. I’m sober now. And a lot LESS agile.

In the almost 6 years since I quit the sauce, I have endured more broken bones, stitches and hospital stays than in my previous 37 years of existence.

-collapsed lung. I was told, by the Dr. who treated me, that because I am male, have red hair and smoke cigarettes that I was prone to this happening…………………seriously?

-Failure to avoid a 60 ft. falling tree. I was clobbered by a tree. 23 staples in my head, broken hand, concussion. I hear I am lucky to be alive. I have a new found phobia of wooded/barked objects (fallatreeaphobia).

-fell off a 10 foot ladder. Trimming tree branches. Blacked out before or during the fall. Unconscious for appox. 27 minutes. Broken OTHER hand, concussion, broken cheap knockoff sunglasses, “Ray Dans”. EMT’s figured I was ok when I knew who the president was and what day of the week it was.

-I walk into inanimate objects more often than I don’t. Various scrapes and scars. I am currently being sponsored by Band Aid on the “Can’t Seem To Walk Straight” world tour. I’m the Headliner.

The redefinition of agility that seems to apply to me is- the gracefulness to watch where I’m walking with whatever happens to be around me without bloodshed.


2 thoughts on “Agility Redefined

  1. working on it says:

    Hmm. Did you get a second opinion on the collapsed lung? I’m googling that after I sign off bc the internet knows probably just as much. Red hair and smoker seem like dubious criteria for that.

    I’m glad you survived your other injuries. Wow. My nickname is clumZme. I have zero agility sober and even less so drunk, according to the tape that I refuse to watch. L.

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