The Faults In The Plan


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‘Til death do us part is not a wedding day challenge to see who will do away the other.

That does not stop my wife from asking me if I am planning to kill her.

I mean that in the sense that she asked me that very question.

I laughed.

And that only fueled her speculation.

So I had to ask….

Why?

She says it’s because I have become withdrawn and reclusive and spend too much time watching…”those shows” on the Netflix.

Withdrawn?…….

Reclusive?…….

Ok…..I can see that without killing any time arguing but “those shows”?

COME ON!

It’s just TV.

I really haven’t watched any TV shows in the last 5-6 years but once I became a mysterious recluse I had to have something to do, so I have been indulging.

I started with “The Blacklist”. A guy on the FBI most wanted turns himself in and wants to help them catch other most wanted dudes but will only talk to a rookie FBI chick if they agree. It’s fast and dramatic. Twists and turns ….blah blah blah. What is really great is the most wanted guy kills without discretion or emotion. He is quite the role model.

(That’s not helping my cause much)

Next….”The Killing”. All I can say about this series is after I was done with the 4 seasons is I needed a shower….badly.

Not because I watched it from start to finish without stopping but because every character made me feel gross about liking the show so much. Lying, shadyness, back stabbing, and the unthinkable killings…..just great stuff!

I just started watching “Dexter”. Police forensics guy who moonlights as a serial killer.

Like I said…..its just TV.

Anyway, I’m not planning on killing her.

And here are my reasons why…..

1- Any time a wife is murdered who is the first suspect?

The husband.

That would be me.

I get grilled when I don’t match the socks right and fold like a cheap suit when I try to deny involvement.

Lesson learned here….I am a terrible liar.

2- To get out of being a suspect an alibi is needed.

If you have read this far, then you will recall that I am a recluse…..a social misfit…more alone than a ribeye at a vegan festival.

I am either with my wife, alone or at work….where I work…..ALONE.

The only ones who could verify my whereabouts would be my dogs….and for a beef basted biscuit they would say anything….BUT THEY CAN’T TALK!

Lesson learned here…..don’t expect any meat n greet at vegan gatherings. That would be barking up the wrong tree.

and lastly…

3- We have been married over 6 years. I’ve never been with anyone who thought I was planning to kill them. It kinda warms my heart.

I’d like that warming to continue-

Til death do us part.

Shell Shook


I felt old….used…..worn out. I had spent the last 4 years putting all my trust and confidence into the few I saw and worked with day in and day out.

As the saying goes, I put all my eggs into one basket, set it on top of a wall and viewed the world from my perch , oblivious to the fact that the ground the wall was built on had a cracked foundation.

Once the wall buckled, the basket tipped and the great Wall of Mine…uh, came tumbling down. 

The trust and confidence that were encased within the shells of the fragile  eggs lay strewn and scattered upon the ground.

The yoke was on me.

My wife and family couldn’t put me back together again….no matter how hard they tried.

I just lay there on the ground looking up at the once great wall that was now a broken dream…..a fantasy of wellness and security.

I’m not a pick myself up and get my ass back in gear kinda guy.

I’m a figure out what happened, analyze where I went wrong and change directions to completely avoid the same thing from reoccurring kinda guy.

So…..

After about a month of poor me syndrome, I came up with a game plan-

Shun all human contact, with the exception of wife and family, rebuild the shell with titanium and put trust and confidence in no one outside the confines of my own household.

Just work and be with the family.

Anything else can just suck an egg.

I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life. All it has gotten me is an omelet full of frustrations and regrets.

I just want to feel happy….not old, used and worn out.

I hear happiness is an inside job.

Which I guess means the yoke needs to be somewhere else besides on me.

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Peace Face


Everyone is searching for something.

Without having a definite grasp on what, in fact, the search is for….it could take an eternity to reach that desired destination that will reward you with the peace that the search promises.

Luckily for us,  searching for something is easier than ever.

We have search engines that will cut that search time to seconds.

Someone……somewhere…..was engaged in that search for personal peace.

And that someone was brought to my blog.

What was the term that was used that finalized their journey to the promise land of good2begone, you ask?

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The quest for mindfulness and being at one with the universe begins and ends when you are good with being gone.

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Peace be with you.

Shifting Shapes


If you are new here…I am Good2begone…..recently unemployed and in the process of remodeling a bathroom for my in laws…..where make no mistake…the mother in law is the boss.

The bathroom in question has not been in use since Clinton was in office.

For those of you not old enough to remember the Clinton years, he was the one who said-

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman….”

Complete with fist in motion, thumb pointed upward.

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That was neither here nor there. Just a point of reference for time reference purposes.

Anyone who waits over 20 years to complete a task has to be opinionated. 

My in laws were at odds at how they wanted the bathroom to look. My mother in law got her way by waiting 20 years for the win.

We went to the Home Depot to pick out the tile for the job. She decided on the pattern for the tile based on the way a single tile was displayed. 

“I want it like that.” She said as she pointed at the tile.

“You want a diamond pattern in your bathroom based on 1 tile? How about we look up some tile jobs on the Internet to be sure…” I calmly replied.

“Nope…that’s what I want.”

Ugggh.

I started tiling on Monday.

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The trick with the diamond pattern is to start with a full tile in the middle of the largest wall. Once a tile has to be cut at the end of the wall, the remaining piece is used to start the next wall.

And so on….

And so on…

This is what I ended up with.

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Next was the floor. She wanted a diamond pathway from the entryway to the shower with a square pattern on either side.

To make a straight pathway, triangles had to be made by cutting the diamond tiles in half.

Surround the path way with squares and whala. 

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“What about the walls? ” I asked

You guessed it.

Diamonds,  triangles and squares….oh my.

I finished that yesterday and grouted it all today.

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What’s the verdict?

I have been crowned their favorite son in law……

I would normally be beaming about that kind of praise except for one thing…

I am their only son in law.

The Bone, Dog Years And The Shake


My in laws decided to throw me a bone during my time of all day pajamas and not showering also know as unemployed during the holidays.

“We have a bathroom that needs to be remodeled and we would like you to do it.” They said.

“Well…..what are you going to use as a bathroom in the meantime? I mean….we  let you use ours…..but we don’t wear clothes when we are at home….” I candidly replied.

“You are ridiculous and we have 2 bathrooms……we just haven’t used the other one in over 20 years…..”

Before I replied….I had to let that sink in…20 years….

20 years…

20 YEARS!!!!

Then I replied-

“You know that’s like 140 in dog years.”

She shook her head and gave me her best mean Mom stare and said,

“We don’t even have a dog…”

I rebutted-

“Not if he’s been locked in that bathroom for that millennium of doggie years you don’t….I’ll do it, let’s go take a look.”

I didnt come prepared to take a before picture.

Luckily, after entering the room there was a camera sitting on the vanity counter.

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With film in it,  I might add.

Nothing like a one step camera.  Just point, shoot, take out the picture it pumps out and then shake it to make it develop faster…..and bam instant photo.

Without any more hesitation, here is the photo of a bathroom that hasn’t been used in over 20 years.

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Stupid polaroid one step camera.

Once I get back to the future I’ll add pics.

The Awesomeness Of Awkwardness


The monetary outlook for this holiday season remains on the bleak side. In order to compensate I have taken on doing family photos in our community.

The problem with that is…..

PEOPLE AIN’T RIGHT!

I should have known better than to carry on my wayward son when this was my first client-

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Then came the Reese family where honesty is always the best policy-

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I’m not one to complain but it got a little weird when I was asked to create an homage to “puss n boots”-

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My next client wanted a natural photo for their session, I decided to incorporate nature….since you know…nothing says Christmas like a coconut bra and big leaves-

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My frustration started to boil over from the lunatic fringe when this one family wanted the usual picture with Santa…..I said, “Flip that frown, not flip the bird!”

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My last session….for obvious reasons, didn’t go as well as they wanted but it’s not my fault….the little brat heard Santa wasn’t real…..I felt it was my job to show her he was…..At least until 2000 that is-

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So….I can scratch family photography from my list of job options….

Maybe I should try wedding planner next…

Disclaimer – not my photos. Blame the people who actually posted them on the Internet not the guy who is making (more) fun of them.

The Unemployed And The Ornaments


I have joined the ranks of the unemployed!

YAY FOR ME!

And so close to Christmas….
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I hear it is better to give than receive.

I was given the boot.

The gift that keeps on giving.

In the short time I have been without trabajo, I saw in the news that the Royal couple was visiting the states, and I thought to myself…

“Self….if they can come here and spread joy…why can’t you go there and spread some joy?”

Hmmm…

So I packed up my own royal couple and headed across the pond to help promote a great cause.

Hit the link to watch the promo-

Ornamental Showcase

‘Tis the season of giving….

Give til it hurts.

The Bob, Tim and Marty Project


She uttered the words that every husband fears hearing-

“Honey, I need you to do something for me while I am at work.”

I replied with the words that every wife knows was a lie-

” I can’t. I’m going to be neck deep in stuff today.”

Naturally, the battle of wills continued,  where I was destined to lose.

“By neck deep in stuff,  I am sure you mean stuck on the sofa wrapped up in a blanket, listening to your horrid choices of what you call music. I know you aren’t working until all the drama is worked out….so don’t give me that crap about being too busy. The Christmas party at the group is Saturday and I am in charge of making the centerpieces for the tables. I’m working….you…are not, therefore, I delegate the responsibility to you.”

I look at her with my best I’m gonna tear onto you look.

Then don’t….because I am scared of her and she’s right.

But,

to prove to myself that I still have a backbone I reply anyway.

“For your information,  my choices in music are reserved for those with refined palettes of sound…that of which you and your kind do not possess. As far as centerpieces go…I am more of a Bob Vila, than a Marty Stewart.” I said as a pulled up the blanket.

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“It’s Martha Stewart…and with your hospital bills, I would say you are more Tim Taylor than anything

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…..I need 8 centerpieces. Go buy the stuff and make them.” She replied as she handed me cash.

“UGGH! You know I hate spending money, I’m cheap…what do I know about centerpieces?” I asked as I took the cash.

“I know you’re cheap….why do you think I am having you do it? The plus is…you are creative. All you need to know is that it is a casual Christmas party…Santa, snowmen…you know holiday theme.  You will do great. Thanks, honey you are the best!”

She kisses me and leaves for work.

Before the car drives away, I yell out to her-

“HAVE YOU GORGOTTEN THAT I HATE CHRISTMAS?”

I see her smile her wifey smile and drive on.

So…..

I’ve got cash and an objective.

The best place for a cheap bastard like me to go for holiday supplies is obviously Big Lots and Dollar stores.

I need to dress for the occasion.

Flannel shirt, pajama pants,  black socks,  sandals.

Yep…..that should do it. I mean…..I want to look like I belong there….I hate to stand out.

After 2 hours of painstaking aisle scavenging and idea formulation, I return home with the goods and create my first centerpiece-

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After approval from the boss, I create 7 more-

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Marty Stewart can suck it.

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Oops, I mean Martha….

Shadow Talk


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-Where you been?
-I’ve been around…
-You’ve been around somewhere…but haven’t been here in weeks…what gives?
-Nothin’…..
-You used to come here and write about all the nothin’ going on….
-Yeah…I know…..It’s just hard to put some of it into words.
-So….instead of trying to get it out,  you choose to let it fester in what’s left of what you call a brain? That’s not very bright. 
-Alright…alright….here is what has been going on….in no particular order.

The life that I have called serene for the last 4 years is no longer serene. 

For starters, I have 2 bosses.

One boss, who also happens to be one of my best friends,  is in rehab. The other boss, who happens to be the other of my best friends, is maintaining his sanity by smoking the gonja. We all got sober within a year of each other.  The boss in rehab has successfully put not only the company finances but his personal ones as well on life support, as, well as his marriage and  family. He is not in finance rehab…he is in rehab for attempting to drink himself to death.
The other is doing his best to keep us working and keep the company afloat while, also dealing with the other boss, who happens to be his older brother.

Next,

My home life is strained. I have tried real hard to keep work and home separate. The stress from one has drained into the other causing a vacuum effect.

I am a intoverted, private, keep things to myself kind of guy.

The true friends I have, I can count on one hand…..with digits left over.

I socialize with others as infrequently as humanly possible and trust about next to no one beside the ones I call true friends.

As the free digits one my one hand increase….my trust travels in the other direction.

If I get any more introverted, I might just vote myself off the island I gave created for me, myself and I.

Third,

One of the other employees I work with broke out my back windshield on my truck.  I don’t have idiot coverage.

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-Wow.

-You want more or will that work for now?

-No…I think that’s good for now.

-Thanks….It’s good to vent every now and then. 

Alchemy


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“To be totally honest, I don’t know who I am. And I don’t think people ever will know who they are. We have to be humble enough to learn to live with this mysterious question. Who am I? I am a mystery to myself. I am someone who is in this pilgrimage from the moment that I was born to the day to come that I’m going to die. So, what I have to do is to honor this pilgrimage through life. And so I am this pilgrim who’s constantly amazed by this journey.”

— Paulo Coehlo, from “The Alchemy of Pilgrimage”

Not my photo….not my words…But I like them just same.