It is strange to me how when I am driving home from work, I sometimes pass something that triggers past memories.
Hence the bales of hay.
I stopped and planned to take a picture…..but my phone/camera was dead. I settled for a “Google shot” instead.
I have never worked on a farm. The hay was more of a symbol.
I used to get arrested a lot. It all started with traffic warrants…..
I could never wrap my head around paying for a ticket once I got one or 4 at a time.
I never paid for them once the warrants came either….
I always paid for it with an arrest.
Of course there was a shoplifting arrest also.
With each arrest I always had 1 question…
“Hey, who can I call to bail me out?”
I had lots of answers.
They would always come to my rescue. I never realized how much of a burden I put on them. It was embarrassing for them to have to do it.
It was for me too….the first time. After that not so much.
I just expected them to do it. And they did….until they didn’t.
The last straw, if you will, was my arrest for 2 felonies.
I made call after call.
“Please bail me out.” To Mom
“Please bail me out.” To friends
“Please bail me out.” To Brothers
After making calls for about 3 weeks, in the jail cell. I gave up.
1 friend visited me while I was a resident of the psyche ward…once.
Never saw him after that.
My brother visited me 2 times in the 4 months I was there.
The bail was finally too heavy for anyone to want to get me out from under it.
I was pissed that they would bale on me in my time need…..In my real time of need.
I carried that resentment a long time.
I now see it as a blessing in disguise. The more they bailed me out the less responsibility I took for the actions that got me in jail to begin with.
They finally said,
“Hay, it is time you took care of the bale yourself.”
Ok…they didn’t really say that but metaphorically speaking that I what I heard them say.
Since getting sober and taking responsibility for my actions, I haven’t had to call anyone to bail me out of jail.
Because I haven’t been in jail….or arrested….or earned any warrants.
I have made amends to my family, friends and even an old girlfriend for my past actions and reactions to how I treated them in the past.
I am still a work in progress.
But I leave the hay baling to the people who can handle it.
Those things are heavy.