My conclusion to yesterday’s post about the Hogg drama did not turn out to be the actual conclusion.
Because I had to return to work again today out in the sticks.
The drama of 5 grown men and one large beast continues….
I got home from a very hectic yet embarrassing day. I vowed that if I ever had the opportunity to see that beast again, that I would show him who the boss was…ME.
I went to sleep with visions of grandure, and power. Man is the top of the food chain…I will fear no beast!
With that thought , I drifted off to sleep and began to dream….ZZZZZZZZZZ
I awoke with a renewed vigor for the task at hand!
I’M GOING TO RIDE THAT HOGG TODAY!!
I had to stop at Home Depot to pick up a few supplies……for the job, not for the ride. After completing this task I was ready for the 20 mile journey to the sticks.
I had time to mentally prepare for my quest. I revisited my dream sequence (shown above…in case you have forgotten the sheer awesomeness of my dream).
I popped in a Cd to further prepare. Here is the song I played over and over..
I pulled my truck through the gate. and was quite surprised with what I saw.
THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE EMBARRASSED
Mullet Boy was sitting on top of a broken down tractor.
Ankles McGee was cowering inside his Toyata Corolla with his window down. His head would pop out occasionally and frantically look around.
The Brain Surgeon was standing in the bed of his truck with a shovel.
Here are the combined stories I got from them. Lets begin with Mullet Boy-
We got here and that monster followed us through the gate and starting circling the cars…..he was stalking us. After yesterday I knew it was that little girls pet, so I just went up to pet it…
The Brain Surgeon cuts in-
Yup, he did and then looked at us and said “Look he’s fine.” and started strutting away like he was all Mr. Big Stuff the Hogg Whisperer.
“You gonna tell him what happened next, Mullet Boy?” the surgeon proded.
” The stupid pig bit me in the ass….TWICE! I think he broke the skin…I might have that rabies disease!” Mullet Boy yelled.
“Rabies of the senses maybe.” Ankles slyly interjected
“At least I didn’t stay in my car the whole time. I tried to make peace with him. Its not my fault he wanted a piece of me instead!”
“After that he kept chasing me so I got to the highest point I could. The tractor had a chair. So up I went. Tell him what you did Mr. Surgeon.” Mullet Boy replied.
” Fine, I will. The Hogg kept circling my truck. I wasn’t gonna get bit in the ass….so I threw my truck in reverse and backed into him……”
I asked, ” You backed into him.”
” Hell yeah……and it didnt even phase him. So when he comes around again….Im gonna hit him with the shovel. “He confidently stated.
” If your truck didn’t phase him, how much damage will the shovel do?” I interjected. ” Wait, before you answer….anyone try to find the 10 year old that saved us yesterday?”
” School is back in session today…..We are on our own….” they all said in unison.
” OK….Here’s the plan. We need to lure him outside the gate, so we can lock us in here.” I said with complete confidence.
” How do you plan to do that, Mr. Master Plan Guy? Are you planning on putting a saddle on him and riding him out?” Mullet Boy stated.
Thinking back to my dream (as shown above….without the beer).
” Actually I was, but since he has already been run over and tasted human flesh, that may not be too smart……I will just piss him off and have him chase me out the gate.”
” Well there he is. Go get him, tiger.” Ankles said as he smiled.
I gave them all a stern look, and jumped out of the back of the Brain Surgeons truck.
I looked around and found a large branch, thick on both ends. My plan was to swat the crap out him and hightail it to the fence.
As I approached him, he snorted and turned to face me.
I stayed about 5 feet away and swung for the fences. The branch broke off on his ginormous head. He cocked his head sideways, spit out a tooth ( that may or may not be true ) and started chasing me.
I screamed like a 12 year old kid on their first rollercoaster.
He chased me….and I kept screaming. I cleared the gate. They ran and shut the gate. Placing the chain back in place…..
I was stuck outside but had enough sense to stop screaming and jump over the side fence back onto the property instead of continuing down the street like a lunatic.
The score is now even.
5 grown men-1
Now…..where do I find a saddle that will fit a pig?